aviation jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: aviation jokes
- "Flight 1234, are you
ready to copy
holding instructions?"
"Center, make that request on the next
frequency...."
- "Flight 1234, for noise
abatement turn
right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise
can we make up
here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707
makes when it hits a
727?"
- "Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your
wings.."
"OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!"
- "I've never flown before, said the
nervous old lady to the pilot. "You will bring me down safely, won't
you?
"All I can say ma'am," said the pilot, "is that I've never left
anyone up there yet!"
- "Should the cabin
lose pressure, oxygen
masks will drop from the overhead area. Please
place the bag over
your own mouth and nose before assisting children or
other adults
acting like children."
- "This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf
of my
crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight
602 from
New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of
35,000 feet
midway across the Atlantic.
"If you look out of
the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,
you will observe
that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of
the windows on the port side, you will observe
that the port wing
has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you
will see a little
yellow life raft with three people in it waving
at you.
"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the
air
stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"
- A
blind man was describing his favorite
sport, parachuting. When asked
how this was accomplished, he said
that things were all done for him: "I
am placed in the door with my
seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My
hand is placed on my
release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know
when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I
have a very keen sense
of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass
when I am 300 feet
from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift
your legs for the final arrival on
the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's
leash goes slack."
- A blonde gets
an opportunity to fly to a
nearby country. She has never been on an
airplane anywhere and was
very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded
the plane, a
Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over
seat to seat
and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!!
BO....."
She
sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears
the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts
"Be silent!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and
everybody is looking at the
blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the
pilot in silence for a
moment, concentrated really hard, and all of
a sudden started shouting,
"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
- A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in
the
first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to
her and
tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have
a first class
ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart,
I have a good
job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach
Jamaica."
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who
asks the blonde
to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde,
I'm smart, I have
a good job and I'm staying in first class until
we reach Jamaica."
The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to
do at this point because
they still have to get the rest of the
passengers seated to take off;
the blode is causing a problem with
boarding now, so the stewardess gets
the copilot.
The copilot
goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She
immediately gets
up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head
st
ewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move
to
her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front
half of the
airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
- A few days after Christmas, a
mother was
working in the kitchen listening
to her son playing with his new
airplane in the living room. She heard
her
son said, "All of you
sons of bitches get the hell off the plane now,
cause this is the
last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your
asses in the plane, cause we're going to take-off
now."
The
mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language
in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay
there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
your plane, but I
want
you to use nice language." Two hours
later, the son comes out of the
bedroom and resumes playing with his
plane. Soon the mother heard her
son
say, "All passengers who
are deplaning, please remember to take all of
your belongings with
you. We thank you for flying with us today and
hope
your tr
ip was a pleasant one. We hope you will fly with us again
soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just
boarding, we
ask
you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there
is
no smoking on the plane. We hope you will
have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."
As the
mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who
are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen."
- A husband suspects his wife is having an
affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the
husband
just knew when his wife said:
"Honey, I've told you
once, I've told you twice, I've told you
niner thousand times,
negative on the affair ..."
- A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to
the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong
mean-looking, hulking guy
plops
down in the seat next to him and
immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick,
but he's afraid to
wake
the big guy up to ask if he can go to the
bathroom. He knows he can't
climb over him, and so the little guy
is sitting there, looking at the
big
guy, trying to decide what
to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable
wave of
nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in
any longer
and
he pukes all over the big guy's
chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees
the
vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you
feeling better now?"
- A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York.
During the meal service, he
accidentally knocked the spoon off
to the aisle with his elbow. The
flight
attendant immediately
took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his
tray table. The
man was very impressed by the promptness of the service
and
asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"
The
flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to
evaluate
our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock
the spoon
off
their tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we
all save trips to the
galley and can be much more
efficient."
Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the
customer
asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string
hanging from
your fly?"
The flight attendant replied, "The
efficiency expert determined that
we
were spending too much t
ime washing our hands after we went to the
bathroom. To counteract
this, we tie strings to our penises."
The customer looked
confused. "How does that help?" he asked.
"Well, when I go to the
bathroom I just use the string. Since I never
touched myself I don't
need to wash my hands."
The customer nodded and asked, "But how
do you get it back in your
pants?"
The flight attendant
smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but
I use
the
spoon."
- A man jumps out of an airplane with a
parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken.
He
doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth
rapidly
approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the
parachute
and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is
ripping past
his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000
feet, another man goes
shooting up past him. In desperation, the man
with the chute looks up
and yells, "Hey do you know anything about
parachutes?!"
The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you
know anything
about gas stoves?!"
- A man named Mr. Smith was
flying from San
Francisco to LA.
Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along
the way. The flight
attendant explained that there would be a
delay, and if the passengers
wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane
would re-board in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one
gentleman who was blind. Mr.
Smith had noticed him as he walked by
and could tell the blind man had
flown before because his Seeing
Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats
in front of him throughout
the entire flight.
Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this
very flight before because
the pilot approached him, and calling him
by name, said Keith, we're
in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would
you like to get off and stretch
your legs?"
Keith replied,
"No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his
legs".
Now, picture this: All the people in the gate area came to
a complete
quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot
walk off the
plane with the Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was
even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried
to change planes, but they were
trying to change airlines!
- A man telephoned an airline office in New
York
and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?"
The clerk
said, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.
- A man walks up to the
counter at the
airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent.
"I want a round trip
ticket," says the man.
"Where to?" asks the agent.
"Right
back to here."
- A military cargo plane, flying over a
populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot
tries
to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy.
So he
yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the
plane
lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts
the pilot. So
they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They
heave out a
missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls
out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into
a jeep
and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the
road
who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol
hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's
crying even harder. Again
they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle
hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a
boy on the sidewalk who's
laughing hysterically. They ask h
im, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy
replies, "I sneezed and a
house blew up!"
- A mother and her son were
flying
"Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to
Chicago. The son (who had been looking
out the window) turned to his
mother and said, "If big dogs have baby
dogs and big cats have baby
cats,
why don't big planes have
baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't
think of
an answer) told
her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the
stewardess, "If
big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why
don't
big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your
mother
tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the
stewardess
said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on
time."
- A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a
landing at an airport
they had never been to before. The pilot
looked out the windshield, and
suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot:
"Holy cow! Look how short the runway
is! I've never seen one that
short!"
The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right!
That's
incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we
better, we're almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the
intercom, and notified the passengers to put
their heads between their
knees, and prepare for an emergency landing.
Then he set the flaps to
full down, and slowed the plane to just over
stall speed. The big
jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of
control. The
pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.
They touched
down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge
of the
runway, the tires smoking.
"HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the
captain. "That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and
WIDE too!"
- A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a
landing at an airport
they had never been to before. The pilot
looked out the windshield, and
suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot:
"Holy cow! Look how short the runway
is! I've never seen one that
short!"
The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right!
That's
incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we
better, we're almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the
intercom, and notified the passengers to put
their heads between their
knees, and prepare for an emergency landing.
Then he set the flaps to
full down, and slowed the plane to just over
stall speed. The big
jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of
control. The
pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.
They touched
down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge
of the
runway, the tires smoking.
"HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the
captain. "That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and
WIDE too!"
- A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made
an
announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop
from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and
therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and
relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.
Then, the captain came back
on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier, but
while I was talking, the flight-attendant
brought me a cup of coffee and
spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You
should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said,
"That's nothing. You should see the back
of mine!"
- A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it
reached a
comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking.
Welcome to
Flight number 293, non-stop from New
York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and therefore we
should have a smooth flight, Now sit
back
and relax. - OH MY
GOD!"
Silence
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and
said: "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier,
but while I was
talking
the flight attendant brought me a cup
of coffee and spilled the hot
coffee
in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said: "That's
nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
- A small twin-prop
commuter plane was
hijacked by a desperate animal rights extremist who
vowed to kill one
of the passengers to demonstrate his serious intentions.
There were
two passengers present, a microbiologist and a yeast
geneticist.
The hijacker gave each one two minutes to explain why they
shouldn't
be killed. The microbiologist (who studied bacteria) talked for 1
minute 59 seconds explaining that he studies bacteria, bacteria are
model organisms for the study of genetics and physiology etc. etc. and
finished with an emotional, bacteria-laden plea which had the
hijacker in
tears. When he was done, they turned to the yeast geneticist
who said,
"let me explain to you why yeast genetics is an important
discipline..." but he was interrupted by the microbiologist who
exclaimed "Shoot
me! Shoot me!"
- A small two-seater Cessna
152 plane
crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central
Poland. Polish
search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far
and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the
evening.
- A student was heading home for the holidays.
When she got to
the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New
York. As she gave
the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd
like you to send my
green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase
to London."
The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do
that."
"Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because
that's
exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
- A woman called and said, "I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola
on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to
fly to
Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah,
whatever."
- A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool
on the aviation frequencies.
This was his first time
approaching a field during the nighttime, and
instead of making any
official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess
who?"
The
controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess
where!"
- A young guy in a
two-engine fighter was
flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a
nuisance, acting like
a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The hotdog
said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
The
veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52
continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked,
"So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."
- A young guy in a two-engine fighter was
flying
escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a
hotdog,
flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog
said over the
air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
The
veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52
continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked,
"So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."
- A young lady was conducting a study in to
human sexual
behavior. She came
to the conclusion that the best
place to find participants for the
survey
would be the airport.
After three hours of questioning passengers, she
sees a pilot walking
to his gate. Having heard of the reputation of
pilots
she stops
him "Excuse me, Captain" she says, "I am doing a survey on
human
sexuality...I was wondering if you could answer a few questions..."
The
pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him.
After three
questions, she asks him "...and when was the last time you
had sex?".
Straight away the Captain replies "1959". The girl was
shocked. She
looks
at the captain and asks "1959 isn't that a
long time ago?". "Oh"
the pilot
replies "I guess so...but it's
only 2015 now..."
- According to "The Australian," an airliner
recently encountered severe
vibration in flight.
The captain
decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the
seat belt
sign.
The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger
emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been
jogging in place
inside.
- After a real crusher of a landing in
Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought
the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
- After an overnight flight to meet my father
at
his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at
Rhein-Main
Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all
under age 11.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the
cramped
customs area. A young customs official watched our
entourage in disbelief,
''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children
and this luggage
belong to you?''
''Yes, sir,'' my
mother said with a sigh, ''they're all
mine.''
The
customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any
weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?''
''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I
would have used them by now.''
- After the first
takeoff of the fully
automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing,
reassuring voice
of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
automatic pilot.
In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is
absolutely
impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible,
..."
- After the first
takeoff of the fully
automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing,
reassuring voice
of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
automatic pilot.
In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is
absolutely
impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible,
..."
- Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural
America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended
on
the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear.
The
aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left
smoldering in a
tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service
descended upon the
smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or
the President's
staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was
plowing a field not too far
away as if nothing at all happened. They
hurried over to surround the
man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior
Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of
breath.
"Did
you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man
muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of
the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any
survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight o
ut." The farmer sighed cutting off
his tractor motor. "I done
buried them all myself. Took most of the
morning."
"The
President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in
disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his
work.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he
is."
- All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me
to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he
would
always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer
questions.
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the
reserve doesn't
open, how long do we have until we hit the
ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and
answered,
"The rest of your life."
- An
airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand
at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that
in light of his bad
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,
everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a
cane. She
said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no,
Ma'am," said
the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
we land or
were we shot down?"
- An
employee of USAir with the last name of
Gay boarded a USAir flight with
a free travel voucher. Soon after
he sat down, someone else came and
claimed he had the same seat
assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an
empty
seat. Soon after that
the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the
USAir employee
vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat,
you
have to
surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and
still
more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat
of
Mr.
Gay and said the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are
you Gay?''
The
man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a
matter of fact I am!''
The
flight attendant said, "I'm sorry,
but you'll have to get off the
plane.''
At this point Mr.
Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and
said, "Excuse
me, you've made a mistake--I'm Gay!'' Finally,
another m
an
jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't
throw us
all
off!''
- An airline captain was breaking in a very
pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a
stay-over in
another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the
stewardess
the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and
stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the
crew for the day's
route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.
He knew which room she
was in at the hotel and called her up
wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing, and said
she couldn't get out of her
room.
"You can't get out of
your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied,
"There are only three doors in here, "she
cried," one is the
bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it
that says 'Do Not
Disturb'!"
- An airline pilot was scheduled to take a
flight from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York
to allow his usual on time
departure. The weather in New York
finally cleared and the pilot asked
for
his departure clearance. He
was very dismayed to hear that he had
another delay due to the
increased traffic now leaving New York.
Sometime later he finally
received his clearance and decided he would
try to make up the time
lost by asking for a direct route to Los
Angeles. Halfway across the
country he was told to turn due South. Knowing
that this turn would
now throw him further behind schedule he inquired,
quite
agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The
controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.
The pilot
was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am
already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me
today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem
for
pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!"
The
controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you
have
never heard two 747's collide!"
- An airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at
the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks
for
flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he
had a
hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone
would have a smart comment, but no one seemed
annoyed.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking
with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny,
mind
if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am, what is
it?"
"Did we land or were we shot down?"
- An airline stewardess was giving the standard
safety briefing to the
passengers. She had just finished saying
'In the event of a water
landing,
your seat cushion may be
used as a flotation device,' when a man
remarked, "Hey! If the plane
can't fly, why should I believe the seat
can
float?"
- An airliner was having engine
trouble,
and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers
take
their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few
minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone
was
buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the
reply, "except the lawyers
are still going around passing out business
cards."
- An airplane pilot dies at the controls.
He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area.
There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot
that
he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil
has to
take care of something first, and disappears.
The
curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going
through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two,
and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve
emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain
being
waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad
stewardesses.
The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position.
He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot
says,
"I wanted door number three!"
"Sorry," replies the devil,
"that's 'flight attendant's
hell'."
- An airplane was flying from LA to New York.
About an
hour into the flight, the pilot announced, "We have lost an
engine,
but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5
hours
it will take 7 hours to get to New York."
A little later, the
pilot announced, "A second engine failed, but we
still have two
left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New
York."
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, "A
third engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a
single engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to new
York."
At this point, one passenger said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that
last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
- An airplane was losing altitude
over the
Rocky Mountains. The pilot over
the intercom said that the entire
luggage needed to be thrown overboard
if they were to
survive.
After all the luggage was thrown the plane was still going down so
they
asked for volunteers. A man from Paris went to the door and
said,
"Viva
la France." Next a preacher went to the door and said,
"Lord forgive
me
for what I must do." Finally a rich Texas cattle
rancher said, "Well
guess I got to do my part," and he grabbed two
Mexicans and tossed
them
out and yelled, "Remember the Alamo!.
- An award should go to the United Airlines gate
agent in
Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point,
when confronted
with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as
cargo. During the final
days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a
crowded United flight was
canceled.
A single agent was rebooking
a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry
passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the
counter and said, "I HAVE to be on
this flight and it has to be
FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to
try to help you,
but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm
sure we'll be able
to work something out."
The passenger
was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him
could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating,
the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microp
hone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her
voice
bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the
gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his
identity, please come to gate 17."
With the folks behind him in
line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the United agent,
gritted his teeth and swore "F--- you."
Without flinching, she smiled
and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to stand in line for
that, too."
- Another flight
Attendant's comment on a
less than perfect landing: "We ask you to
please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
- As a crowded airliner is about to
take
off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment
to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated,
embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to
scream
furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from
the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of
an Air Force
General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the
flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired,
courtly,
soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest,
whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms
down, gently takes his mother's hand, and
quietly fastens his seat
belt. All the other passengers burst into
spontaneous
applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the
cabin
attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she ask
s
quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that
little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I
showed him my
pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons,
and explained that they
entitle me to throw one passenger out the
plane door on any flight I
choose."
- As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over
Arizona on a clear day,
the co-pilot was providing his passengers with
a running commentary
about landmarks over the PA
system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a
major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of
nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000
tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering
white-hot
debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures
nearly a mile
across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a
passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed
the highway!"
- As migration approached, two elderly vultures
doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by
airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant
noticed that they were
carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check
the raccoons through
as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks,"
replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
- As the airliner was preparing to land in
Madrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger seemed noticeably afraid.
"What's the problem, fellow?" asked his seat mate.
"Surely,"
said the Englishman, "you've heard the saying, 'The
planes in
Spain fall mainly in the rains!!'"
- At one of the packed, Delta ticket counters
all of ticket
agents were
doing their best to politely process
each passenger as quickly as they
could. A man toward the end of the
snaking line of passengers was
obviously impatient and very
frustrated at having to wait so long in
the
slow moving line. He
finally decided to march right up to the counter
pulling his wheeled
suitcase and demanded that he be given his boarding
pass. The ticket
agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took a shallow,
deep breath
and said, "Sir, as you can see there are many passengers
ahead
of
you. We are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we
can. I'm afraid you'll have to get back in line". Outraged and red
in the
face, the man yelled at the ticket agent saying, "Do you
know who I
am ???!!!." The ticket agent turned, looked at him,
blinked, took
another
shallow, deep breath, picked up the publi
c address system microphone
and
said calmly, "There is a man
at the Delta ticket counter who does not
know
who he is. Anyone
who may be able to identify this man is asked to
please
step
forward and identify him. Thank you".
- At the airport for a business trip, I settled
down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard
the
voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for
the
inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate
41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.
Not
ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight
570
would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we
gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the
original gate. Just
as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke
again:
"Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness
program.
- ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions?
"
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument
Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."
- Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and
nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.
The
problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she
hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always
worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read
books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess
demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly
every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided
that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd
be convinced. So they sent
her to a friend of the family who was an
actuary.
"Tell
me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone
will
have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables
and said, "A very small chance.
Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the o
dds of two
people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again
he went through his tables.
"Extremely remote," he said. "About
one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.
And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with
her.
- Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and
nephews. However, she had
relatives all over the country.
The
problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she
hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always
worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read
books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess
demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly
every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided
that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd
be convinced. So they sent
her to a friend of the family who was an
actuary.
"Tell
me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone
will
have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables
and said, "A very small chance.
Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the o
dds of two
people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again
he went through his tables.
"Extremely remote," he said. "About
one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.
And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with
her.
- Bill Clinton,
Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al
Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air
Force 1 on their way to
visit the Communists to share their success
stories about taxing
Americans.
Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out
the window and
make someone very happy."
Hillary: "Well, why
don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the
window and make
ten people happy."
Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window
and make me and Tipper
happy."
Tipper: "Why don't we all jump
out the window and make everybody
throughout the United States and
world happy."
- Brendan had spent a week
visiting his
family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old
nephew went
with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his
seat
number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his
relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in
the airport.
"How come?," his nephew asked.
"My plane
has been grounded," Brendan explained.
"Grounded?" the little boy
said. "I didn't know planes had
parents."
- Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student
pilot, I am out of
fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce
airspeed to best glide!! Do you
have the airfield in
sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
the fuel truck is."
- Delta Airlines recently
introduced a
special half-fare rate for wives
accompanying their husbands on business
trips. Anticipating some
valuable testimonials, the publicity
department of the airline sent out
letters to all the wives of
businessmen who used the special rates,
asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in
asking, "What trip?"
- During the heat of the space race in the
1960's, the U.S.
National
Aeronautics and Space Administration
decided it needed a ballpoint pen
to
write in the zero gravity
confines of its space capsules. After
considerable research and
development, the Astronaut Pen was developed
at
a cost of about $1
million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some
modest success as a
novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union,
faced with the
same problem, used a pencil.
- Ever wonder why they never show the film ALIVE
in-flight?...... It's not
because of the film's content,
it's because the people in the film
are
eating better than the
people on board.
- Flight fifty
has a pretty rough time
above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the
intercom: "Ladies and
gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and
assume crash
positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put
this baby as
gentle as possible down on the water".
"Oh stewardess! Are there
any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a
little old lady,
terrified.
"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a
special
gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for
emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and
legs".
"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the
little lady.
"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they
won't enjoy it so
much".
- Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the
other day, a
passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was
kept lit during the
whole journey although the flight was a
particularly smooth one.
Just before landing, he asked the stewardess
about it.
"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17
University of
California girls going to Los Angeles for the
weekend.
"In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you
do?"
- Fred and his wife Edna went to the state
fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in
that there airplane." And
every year Edna would say, "I know
Fred, but that airplane ride costs
ten dollars, and ten dollars is
ten dollars."
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred
said, "Edna, I'm 71
years old. If I don't ride that airplane this
year I may never get
another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there
airplane ride costs ten
dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a
deal.
I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire
ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you
say one word
it's ten
dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed
and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists
and turns, rolls
and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his
tricks over
again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to
Fred, "By golly, I did everything
could think of to get you to yell
out, but you didn't."
Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say
something when Edna fell out, but
ten dollars is ten dollars."
- From a
Southwest Airlines employee: "There
may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this aircraft..."
- From a Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just
like every other seatbelt, and if
you don't know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised. In the
event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with
you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two
small children, decide now which one you love
more.
- From the pilot during his welcome message:
"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.
- How does the captain know the aircraft is
safely at the ramp?
Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
- How does the captain know the aircraft is
safely at the ramp?
Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
- How many pilots does it take to change a
light
bulb?
None, it is done by the automatic pilot.
- I have a friend who is a pilot on a
747.
I said "Hi Jack."
He shot me.
- It was a few days before Christmas. The trip
went reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back home. The airport
on the other end had
turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers
blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being
slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a
scrooge) Going to
check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had
become one suitcase
with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging
mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on
some of the rounder parts
and green paint on some of the flatter and
pointer parts, that could be
taken for mistletoe only in a very
Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and
nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the attendant, "Even if we were
married, I would not want to
kiss you under such a ghastly mo
ckery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the
mistletoe is."
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which
is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."
- It was mealtime on a small airline and the
flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like
dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or No," she replied.
- LH741: Tower, give me a rough time check
Tower: It's Thursday, Sir.
- Little boy to airline pilot:
"You're
a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting."
Pilot:
"Not if I
do it right."
- McNally was taking his first plane ride,
flying over the
Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of
chewing gum. "It's
to keep your ears from popping at high
altitudes," she explains.
When the plane landed McNally rushed up to
her. "Miss," he said,
"I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I
get the gum out of me
ears?"
- Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Nelson
Mandela are in an airplane with
20 kids. The airplane gets a failure
and is doomed to crash. The plane
has
only 20 parachutes. Nelson
Mandela, as a great humanitarian says that
children should have
them. Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts,
"SCREW
THE CHILDREN!!"
Michael Jackson's face lights up and he shouts,
"YES,
YES!!
But do we have enough time?"
- No flight ever leaves on time unless you are
running
late and need the
delay to make the flight.
If you
are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest
gate
within the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it
inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at
any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you
will experience turbulence as soon
as
you touch pen to paper. Or
start to drink your coffee.
If you are assigned a middle seat,
you can determine who has the seats
on
the aisle and the window
while you are still in the boarding area. Just
look for the two
largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have
to get up to go to the
lavatory.
The crying baby on board is
always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman/man on your
flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggag
e space available on an aircraft, the more
carry-on luggage
passengers will bring aboard.
- On a flight
with EasyJet back in 1997 the
pilot made what can only be describes as
an extremely heavy landing
at Luton. It was very early in the morning
and a number of
passenger around me looked quite alarmed as, apart
from the noise, a number
of overhead lockers dropped open and several
items of carry-on
luggage were launched down the aisle.
After slowing up, the aircraft
turned off the runway and turned towards
the stand and over the PA
came "Good morning ladies gentlemen, this is
Captain Smith, welcome
to Luton...and if any of you were asleep...I bet
you're not
now!"
- On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised
to see a parrot strapped
in next to him. He asks the stewardess for
a coffee where upon the
parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you
cow!" The stewardess, flustered,
brings back a whisky for the parrot
and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her
the parrot drains its glass
and bawls "And get me another whisky
you idiot". Quite upset, the girl
comes back shaking with another
whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man
tries the parrot's approach
"I've asked you twice for a coffee,
go and get it now or I'll kick
you".
The next moment, both
he and the parrot have been wrenched up and
thrown out of the
emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards
the parrot
turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you
complain too
much!"
- Once as Laloo was coming out of airport,
there was huge rush
and the security guard told him, "Wait Please."
To which Laloo replied, "65 kgs," and moved on.
- One day at a busy
airport, the passengers
on a commercial
airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to
show
up so they can get underway.
The pilot and copilot
finally appear in the rear of the plane,
and begin walking up to the
cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right
and
left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using
a guide
dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge
sunglasses.
At
first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be
some sort
of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the
engines start
revving and the airplane starts moving down the
runway.
The
passengers look at each other with some uneasiness,
whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the
stewardesses for
reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people
begin
panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane
gets
closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are
becoming
more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has
less than 20 feet of runway left,
there is a sudden change in the
pitch of the shouts as everyone
screams at once, and at the very last
moment the airplane lifts
off and is airborne.
Up in the
cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and
turns to the pilot:
"You know, one of these days the passengers
aren't going to scream,
and we're gonna get killed!
- One day at a busy
airport, the passengers
on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the
pilot to show
up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally
appear in the rear of the plane and begin
walking up to the cockpit
through the center aisle. Both appear to be
blind; the pilot is using a
white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles
down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their
eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not
react thinking that it must be some
sort of practical joke. After a few
minutes though, the engines start
revving, and the airplane begins
moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with
some uneasiness. They start
whispering among themselves and look
desperately to the stewardesses for
reassurance.
Yet, the plane
starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking.
So
me passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to
the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more
hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway
left, there is a
sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone
screams at once. At
the very last moment, the plane lifts off and
is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of
relief and tells the
pilot: "You know, one of these days the
passengers aren't going to
scream, and we aren't going to know when to
take off!"
- Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the
final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and
announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats
with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis
what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
- Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival
announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today.
And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the
skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here
at US Airways."
- Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this
announcement from the captain, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to
inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will
shortly
crash into the ocean." The passengers were obviously very
worried about
this situation, but were somewhat comforted by the
captain's next
announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa
have prepared for
such an emergency, and we would now like you to
rearrange your seating so
that all the non-swimmers are on the left
side of the plane, and all
the swimmers are on the right side."
After this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to
comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later, the captain
made
a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made
an announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen we
have crashed into the
ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of
the plane, open you
r emergency exits and quickly swim away from the
plane. For all of
the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... "Thank You
For Flying
Lufthansa."
- Pilot says:
"Folks, we have reached our
cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign
off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the
plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and
if you walk on
the wings it affects the flight pattern."
- Pilot: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student
pilot, I am out of
fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce
airspeed to best glide!! Do you
have the airfield in
sight?!?!!"
Pilot: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
the fuel truck is."
- Pilot: Tower, please call me
a fuel
truck.
Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.
- Pilot: Tower, there's a runway light
burning.
Tower: I'm sure there must be dozens of lights
burning.
Pilot: Sorry, I mean it's smoking.
- Southwest Airlines makes humor a high
priority. Here are some
actual humorous statements by airline flight
crews:
"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it`s warm, the sun is
shining,
and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where
it`s
dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there
I
can`t imagine."
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make
sure your tray tables and
seat backs are fully upright in their most
uncomfortable position."
"Your seat cushions can be used for
floatation, and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please
take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section
on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight
crew and we will escort you to a seat
outside on the wing of the
airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person
caught smoking
in the lavatories will be asked to leave the p
lane immediately."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane..."
"If you
are so lucky to be traveling with small children..."
Flight
attendant: To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into
the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt,
and
if you don`t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn`t be out
in
public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of
cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a
small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with two
small children, decide now
which one you love more."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen
masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over
your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults ac
ting like children."
Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants
in the industry...Unfortunately none of
them are on this flight...!
Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our
cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign
off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the
plane till we land... it`s a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on
the wings it affects the flight pattern."
At the end of a flight:
"Our flight attendants are now walking
through the aisles with
trash receptacles for any garbage you might
have
or anything else
that you might wanna give us!"
As the plane landed and was coming to
a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the
loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"As you exit the plane,
please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left
behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Pl
ease do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the
plane must clean it."
- Stewardess"
"Yes, Sir?" "I want to
complain about this airline. Every time I
fly, I get the same seat, I
can't see the in-flight movie and there are
no windows blinds so I
can't sleep." "Captain, shut up and land the
plane."
- Taxiing
down the tarmac, the jetliner
abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an
hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the
flight attendant, "What was the
problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a
noise he heard in the
engine,"
explained the flight attendant,
"and it took us a while to find a new
pilot."
- Taxiing down the tarmac,
the jetliner
abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an
hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked
the flight attendant, "What was the
problem?"
"The pilot was
bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained
the flight
attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new
pilot."
- The Captain was
Jewish, and the new First
Officer was Chinese. It was the
first time they had flown together,
and it was obvious by the silence
that
they didn't get
along.
After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, " I don't
like
Chinese. "
The F.O. replied, " Ooooh, no like Chinese?
Why is that? "
The Captain said, " You bombed Pearl Harbor.
That's why I don't like
Chinese. "
The F.O. said, " Nooooo,
noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That
JAPANESE, not Chinese.
"
And the Captain answered, " Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ...
it
doesn't
matter. They're all alike. "
Another 30
minutes of silence.
Finally the First Officer said, " No like Jew.
"
The Captain replied, " Why not? Why don't you like Jews?
"
" Jews sink Titanic. " Said the F.O.
The Captain tried to
correct him, " No, no. The Jews didn't sink the
Titanic. It
was an iceberg. "
" Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah
.. all same "
- The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport
were often short-tempered. They not only expected you to know your
parking location but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So
it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to
the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways
747 (radio call
Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206:
"Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747
pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not
know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm
looking up the gate location
now."
Ground (with typical German
impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you
never flown to Frankfurt
before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."
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