Jokes: baby jokes
- A
scoutmaster asked one of his troop what
good deed he had done for the day.
"Well, Skip," said the scout, "Mum
had only one dose of castor oil
left, so I let my baby brother have
it."
- A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks,
"Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm
all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all
polar
bear, and her parents are all polar bear."
Still unsure the
baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I
pure polar
bear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all
polar bear, your
father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear,
and his
parents are all polar bear."
Still not convinced the baby polar
bear goes to his grandparents and
asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I
all polar bear?" His grandmother
answers, "Of course you are
sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is
all polar bear, your
father is all polar bear, and his parents are all
polar bear. Why do you
ask sweetie?"
The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm
f****** freezing!"
- A distraught mum rushed into the back
yard,
where eight-year-old Tommy was banging on the bottom of an old
upturned tin bath with a poker.
"What do you think you're doing?" she
demanded.
"I'm just entertaining the baby," explained Tommy.
"Where is the baby?" asked his Mum.
"Under the bath."
- A family of ducks were
walking down the road
when an 18-wheeler ran over all but 1 baby. Farther
down the road a
family of skunks were walking the other way when the
same
18-wheeler ran over all but one baby. The duck and the skunk finally
met
each other and the duck said, "Excuse me, my mom died down the
road.
Would you tell me what I am?" "Well", said the skunk "You have
webbed feet, a beak, and feathers. You must be a duck." "Thanks" said
the duck; then the skunk said, "My mom died down the road too, will
you tell me what I am?" "Well", said the duck, "Your black, your
white, & your mom's dead, you must be O.J.'s kid"
- Cry Baby - by Liza
Weeping
- Daddy,
daddy, can I have another glass of
water, please?
But that's the tenth one I've given you tonight!
Yes, but the baby's bedroom is still on fire.
- Dewey and Odell met
on the Brownsville main
street. "Say," said Dewey, "Ah hurd yew and
yore wife is goin' ta
night school ta take Spanish lessons. How cum?"
"Uh huh," answered
Odell. "We went and adopted us a little Mexican
baby, and we wanna
be able ta understand him when he gets old enough ta
talk!"
- Did you hear about Mrs Dimwit's new baby? She
thought babies should be pink, so she took this one to the doctor
because
it was a horrible yeller.
- Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest
baby in the
world?
She didn't push the pram - she pulled it.
- Do you like your
new baby sister?
She's
all right.
Do you play with her?
No, and we can't even send
her back because she's been here more than
28 days.
- Doctor, doctor, my
baby's swallowed a watch!
Give it some Epsom Salts: that should help it pass the time.
- Fred: My mum's having a new baby.
Drew:
What's wrong with the old one?
- How can you tell if a snake is a
baby snake?
It has a rattle.
- How did the witch almost lose her baby?
She
didn't take it far enough into the woods.
- How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
You
rock-et.
- How do you get a paper baby?
Marry an old
bag.
- How does a baby ghost cry?
"Boo-hoo!
Boo-hoo!"
- I got a letter from my sister.
She just had a
baby. But she didn't say whether it's a boy or girl.
So I don't
know if I'm an uncle or an aunt.
- I see the baby's nose is running
again,"
said a worried father.
"For goodness sake!" snapped his wife. "Can't
you think of anything
other than horse racing?"
- It can't go on! It can't go on!
What can't
go on?
This baby's vest ? it's too small for me.
- Knock Knock
Who's there !
Baby !
Baby
who ?
Baby love, my baby love.... !
- Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby Owl.
Baby Owl who?
Baby Owl see you later, baby not.
- Knock knock.
Who's there?
Underwear.
Underwear who?
Underwear my baby is tonight?
- Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.
When
they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little
Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's
parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say
about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before
going
to the neighbors.
He said "Now, son... that poor baby
was born without any ears. I want
you to be on your best behavior
and not say one word about his ears or
I am really going to spank
you when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at
all" said Little Johnny.
At the neighbors home, Little Johnny
leaned over in the crib and
touched the baby's hand He looked at
it's mother and said "Oh What a
Beautiful little baby". The mother
said "Thank you very much, Little
Johnny."
He then
said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little
feet.
Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say
that he can see good?"
The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his
doctor said he has 20/20
vision.
Little Johnny said "well,
its a darn good thing, cause he sure
couldn't wear glasses!!!
- Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the
crib?
Daughter: You told me to change the baby.
- Mrs Brown: Who was that at the door?
Veronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy.
Mrs Brown: Tell her to push off.
"
- Mum, are the Smiths very poor people?
I
don't think so, Jimmy. Why do you ask?
Because they made such a fuss
when their baby swallowed a coin
- Mum, is it true my baby sister came
from
Heaven?
Yes, that's right.
Well, I don't blame God for chucking
her out.
- My new baby is the image of his father.
Never
mind. just so long as he's healthy.
- Q:
Where does a white baby go when it dies?
A: Heaven
Q: What does it get?
A: Wings
Q:
What does it become?
A: An angel
Q: Where does a
black baby go when it dies?
A: Heaven
Q: What does it get?
A: Wings
Q: What does it become?
A: A Bat!
- Q: How many baby sitters
does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None, They don't make Pampers small enough.
- Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper?
A:
Michael Jackson's hand !!
- Q: What's pink and red and can't turn
round
in a corridor?
A: A baby with a javellin through its head.
- Three men were discussing at a bar about
coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two
cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That's funny", the second man
remarked, "my wife was reading 'the
three musketeers' and she
gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to
rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I
left the
house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty
Thieves"!!!
- Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in
weight in
two weeks by drinking elephant's milk.
Whose baby was
it?
The elephant's!
- What are baby witches
called?
Halloweenies.
- What did
the Pharaohs use to keep their
babies quiet?
Egyptian dummies.
- What did Baby Corn say to Mother Corn?
Where's Pop Corn?
- What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby
snake?
Stop crying and viper your nose.
- What do baby pythons play with?
Rattle-snakes.
- What do you get if you cross a baby with soldiers
?
Infantry !
- What do you get if you cross a mountain and a
baby
?
A cry for Alp !
- What does a baby computer call his
father?
Data.
- What is a baby bee?
A little humbug.
- What is a baby: A soft pink thing that makes a
lot of noise at one end
and has no sense of responsibility at the
other.
- What was the policeman's
baby's first words
?
Hallo, Hallo, Hallo !
- What would you get if you crossed a new-born
snake
with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
- When a baby is learning to eat,
shouldn't he
have an L-plate?
- Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal
village?
Sitterdays (when they eat the baby-sitter instead).
- Who is bigger - Mrs Bigger or Mrs
Bigger's
baby?
Mrs Bigger's baby, because he's a little Bigger.
- Why are babies always gurgling with joy?
Because it's a nappy time.
- Why did the baby monster put his father
in
the freezer?
Because he wanted frozen pop.
- Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?
He wanted something to get his teeth into.
- Why did you drop the
baby?
Well, Mrs
Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby, so I wanted to see
if he
did.
- Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys
in blue?
Because they can't dress themselves.
- Why does a mother carry
her baby?
The baby
can't carry the mother.
- Why is a baby like an diamond?
Because it's
a dear little thing.
- Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby
sister?
I'd much rather have a jelly baby.
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