bird jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: bird jokes
- "Look at that speed!"
said one hawk to
another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their
heads.
"Hmph!"
snorted the other. "You would fly fast too if your tail was
on
fire!"
- A couple of pigeons made a
date to meet on
the ledge outside the tenth floor of a skyscraper. The
female was
there on time, but the male arrived an hour late.
"Where were you? I
was worried sick."
"It was such nice day, I decided to walk."
- A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On
the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know
you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me
and my
new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round
and and no
matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or
I'll break your
neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly
agrees.
On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as
instructed, and
behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the
honeymoon. The
wife however has packed too much and they can't get
the case closed.
"Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man the
woman does so and
grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You
get on top baby it might be
better" Says the wife, so the man grunts
and groans and tries his best
but still cant shut the
case.
After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see
if
that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or
no neck
I have to see this!"
- Chicken to turkey: "Only Thanksgiving and
Christmas???
You're lucky, with us it's any Sunday."
- David received a parrot for his birthday. This
parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives
were, to
say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's
attitude.
He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft
music, he did
anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he
yelled at the bird,
the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird
got madder and ruder.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put
the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird
squawking, kicking and screaming
and then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and
quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto
David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have
offended you
with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiven
ess. I will try
to correct my behavior."
David was
astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to
ask what had
changed him when the parrot continued:
"May I ask what the
chicken did?"
- Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to
take ballet lessons?
"He wanted to be a hentertainer."
- How can you tell if a parrot
is
intelligent?
It speaks in Polly-syllables!
- How do you get a cut-price parrot ?
Plant
bird seed !
- How do you get a parrot to talk properly ?
Send him to polytechnic !
- How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his
feathers are combed over to one side.
- How do you make a tame duck wild?
Annoy
it.
- How do you stop a rooser crowing
on Sunday ?
Eat him on Saturday !
- How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land
safely ?
With it's sparrowchute !
- How long do
chickens work ?
Around the
cluck !
- How many ducks would there be,
if you saw two
ducks in front of two ducks, two ducks between two
ducks, and two
ducks behind two ducks?
Answer: 4 ducks-because they are in a
row.
- Is chicken soup good for
your health ?
Not
if you're the chicken !
- Late one night, a burglar
broke into a house
he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but
suddenly he froze in his tracks
when he heard a loud voice say:
"Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the
burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice
boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a
bird cage and in the cage
was a parrot.
He asked the parrot:
"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the
parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the
parrot: "What's
your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot
named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who
named the Rottweiller
Jesus."
- My parrot lays square eggs but
can only say
one word.
What's that?
Ouch!
- Q: What is a crowbar?
A: A place were crows go
to get a drink!
- Q: Why did the chicken say,
"Meow, oink,
bow-wow, and moo?"
A: He was studying foreign languages.
- Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?
A: To
get to the chick across the street!
- Q: Why did the turkey cross
the road?
A: To
prove he wasn't chicken.
- Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped
them, they'd break
- Teacher: What's a robin?
Fred: A bird that
steals, ma'am.
- Teacher: What's the definition of a
Polygamist?
Pupil: A parrot with more than one wife!
- Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage?
Pupil: For a parrot to perch on, miss.
- Two owls were playing pool.
One said, "Two
hits."
The other replied, "Two hits to who?"
- What are a parrot's favourite literary
characters?
Mr Macawber and Pollyanna!
- What bird tastes just like butter ?
A stork
!
- What birds are found in Portugal ?
Portu-geese
!
- What birds spend all their time on their knees ?
Birds of prey !
- What did one chicken say to the other after they
walked through poison ivy ?
"You scratch my beak and I'll
scratch yours !"
- What did the baby
chick say when he saw his
mother sitting on an orange ?
'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid'
!
- What did the baby owl's parents say when he
wanted
to go to a party?
You're not owld enough.
- What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of
fried chicken ?
She kicked the bucket !
- What did the parrot say
when he saw a
duck?
Polly want a quacker!
- What did the parrot say on Independence
Day?
Polly wants a firecracker!
- What did the parrot say when he was using the
Internet?
P.Cs of eight, P.Cs of eight.
- What did the rich socialite's parrot
say?
Polly want a cracker, with cavier please!
- What did the scornful owl say?
Twit twoo.
- What did they call the canary that flew into the
pastry dish ?
Tweetie Pie !
- What do chicken families do on
Saturday
afternoon?
They go on peck-nics !
- What do chickens serve at birthday
parties
?
Coop-cakes !
- What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
- What do owls sing when it is raining ?
'Too
wet to woo' !
- What do parrots eat ?
Polyfilla !
- What do Scottish owls sing?
Owld Lang
Syne.
- What do you call a bird that
lives
underground ?
A mynah bird !
- What do you call a bunch of chickens playing
hide-and-seek ?
Fowl play !
- What do you call a chicken that crosses the road
without looking both ways?
Dead.
- What do you call a crate of
ducks ?
A box
of quackers !
- What do you call a crazy chicken ?
A cuckoo
cluck !
- What do you call a parrot when it has dried
itself
after a bath?
Polly unsaturated!
- What do you call a rooster who
wakes you up
at the same time every morning ?
An alarm cluck !
- What do you call a Scottish parrot ?
A Macaw
!
- What do you call a very rude
bird ?
A
mockingbird !
- What do you call a vulture with no
beak?
A head banger.
- What do you call a woodpecker with no beak ?
A headbanger !
- What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg
?
The bombshell !
- What do you call the place where parrots make
films?
Pollywood!
- What do you get from a drunk chicken ?
Scotch
eggs !
- What do you get if you
cross a nun and a
chicken?
A pecking order.
- What do you get if you cross
a giant, hairy
monster with a penguin?
I don't know but it's a very tightfitting
tuxedo.
- What do you get if you cross a bee with a
parrot?
An animal that's always telling you how busy it is!
- What do you get if you cross a chicken
with a
cement mixer ?
A brick-layer !
- What do you get if you cross a duck with a
firework ?
A firequaker !
- What do you get if you cross a parrot with a
centipede ?
A great walkie-talkie !
- What do you get if you cross a parrot with a
shark ?
A bird that will talk you ear off !
- What do you get if you cross a parrot with a
woodpecker ?
A bird that talks in morse code !
- What do you get if you cross a woodpecker
with a carrier pigeon ?
A bird who knocks before delivering its
message !
- What do you get if you cross an eagle with a
skunk?
A bird that stinks to high heaven.
- What do you get if your budgie flies into the
blender ?
Shredded Tweet !
- What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top
of a
barn ?
An eggroll !
- What do you get when you cross a chicken
with
a duck?
A bird that lays down !
- What do you give a sick bird ?
Tweetment !
- What does an educated owl say?
Whom.
- What flies through the jungle singing opera ?
The parrots of Penzance !
- What geometric figure is like a runaway
parrot?
A polygon .
- What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'
?
A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons !
- What happened to the chicken whose feathers were
all
pointing the wrong way ?
She was tickled to death !
- What happened when the chicken ate cement
?
She laid a sidewalk !
- What happened when the owl lost his voice ?
He didn't give a hoot !
- What happens when a hen eats gunpowder ?
She
lays hand gren-eggs !
- What happens when ducks fly upside
down ?
They quack up !
- What happens when geese land in a volcano ?
They cook their own gooses !
- What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg
?
It eggs-plodes !
- What is a duck's favorite TV show ?
The
feather forecast !
- What is a parrot's favorite
game?
Hide
and Speak!
- What is a parrot's favorite game ?
Hide and
Speak !
- What is a parrot?
A wordy birdy!
- What is a polygon ?
A dead parrot !
- What is green and pecks on trees ?
Woody Wood
Pickle !
- What is the
strongest bird ?
A crane !
- What is the definition of a goose ?
An animal
that grows down as it grows up !
- What is the definition of Robin ?
A bird who
steals !
- What is the difference between a fly and a bird
?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird !
- What kind of bird lays electric eggs ?
A
battery hen !
- What kind of bird opens doors ?
A kiwi !
- What kind of birds do you usually find locked up
?
Jail-birds !
- What kind of doctor does a duck
visit?
A
Ducktor.
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