birthday jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: birthday jokes
- "Artificial intelligence is a wonderful
thing.
I told my computer that today is my birthday,
and it said that
I needed an upgrade."
- "Did you go shopping for my birthday
present?"
"Yeah, and I found the perfect thing."
"What thing is
that?"
"Nothing!"
- "Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat
birthday cake."
"Next time, take off the candles."
- "I guess I didn't get my birthday wish."
"How do you know?"
"You're still here!"
- "I remember when the
candle shop burned
down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy
Birthday.'"
- "I'm giving a 'surprised' birthday party
for you."
"A 'surprised'. birthday party? What's that?"
"That's where I invite a bunch of your friends, and if any of them
come, I'll be surprised!"
- "My birthday's coming"
Do you know what I
need?"
"Yeah, but how do you wrap a life?"
- "This birthday cake certainly is crunchy."
"Maybe you should spit out the plate!"
- "Were any famous men born on your
birthday?"
"No, only little babies."
- A couple have not been getting along for years,
so the husband
thinks,
"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for
her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next
year, her birthday rolls around again and this
time he doesn't get
her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday
present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
- A kindly old lady came across a little boy
sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. 'What's the matter?'
she
asked. 'It's my birthday!' he hollered. 'And I had a
bicycle and a
new tracksuit and this afternoon there's to be a party
with crisps and
jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. .
.' and he had to
stop talking because he was crying so hard.
'But that's lovely,' said the old lady. 'Why are you crying?'
'Because I'm lost!'
- A man asked his wife, "What would you most
like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten
again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early
and they
went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park
- the Death
Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a
go on every ride
there was.
She staggered out of the theme
park five hours later, her head reeling
and her stomach
turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At
last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into
bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being
ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey,
I meant dress
size!"
- A man who forgets his wife's birthday is
certain to get something to remember her by.
- A St. Louis mother
telephoned the capital
building over in Jefferson City and asked to speak to the
game
warden. After being switched from office to office, a voice
finally
said, "Hello." "Are you the game warden?" she asked.
"Yes."
"Finally Ah've got the right person!" she said. "Could yaw'l gimme
some help with my son's birthday party?"
- BoyFriend: Why didn't you
give me
anything for my birthday?
GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.
- Cat: "What did you get him for his
birthday?"
Dog: "Pant . . . pant!"
Cat: "Great . . . he needs a pair
of pants!"
- Charley wanted to buy Farley a
birthday
cake, but he couldn't figure out how to get the cake in the
typewriter so he could type 'Happy Birthday'
- Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her
birthday.
How lovely!
Yes, but he only did it so as not to
have to do the washing-up. Mum's
too frightened he'll break it!
- Did you hear about the dancer's birthday?
It was a tappy one!
- Did you hear about the flag's birthday?
It was a Happy one!
- Did you hear about the time
Eddy's
sister tried to make a birthday cake ?
The candles melted in the oven.
- Did you hear about the tree's
birthday?
It was a sappy one!
- First boy: Are you having a party for your
birthday?
Second boy: No, I'm having a witch do.
First boy:
What's a witch do?
Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting
spells.
- For his birthday the monster asked for a
heavy sweater.
So they gave him a sumo wrestler!
- Fred: Do you
like the dictionary I bought
you for your birthday?
Harry: Sure. It's a great present but I
just can't find the words to
thank you enough.
- Fred: Have you noticed that your
mother
smells a bit funny these days?
Harry: No. Why?
Fred: Well, your
sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet
water for her
birthday.
- Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief
for your birthday.
Harry: That was a kind thought. But why
didn't you?
Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.
- Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief
for your
birthday.
Betty: That was a kind thought. But why
didn't you?
Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.
- Good news! I've been given a goldfish for my
birthday
. . .the bad news is that I don't get the bowl until
my next
birthday!
- Grandma, is it exciting being 99?
It
certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.
- Helen: Mum, do you know what I'm going to
give you for your birthday?
Mum: No, dear, what ?
Helen: A nice
teapot.
Mum: But I've got a nice teapot.
Helen: No you haven't.
I've just dropped it.
- Home - A -
Age Jokes
"That's an
excellent essay for someone your age," said the English
teacher.
"How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?"
"Welcome to
school, Simon," said the nursery school teacher to the
new boy.
"How old are you?" "I'm not old," said Simon. "I'm nearly
new."
Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school
magazine.
"How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred.
"I'm not going
to tell you that," she replied.
"But Mr Hill the technical teacher
and Mr Hill the geography teacher
told me how old they were."
"Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I'm the same age as both of them."
The
poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote:
Miss
Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as
the
Hills.
"Now remember, boys and girls," said the science
teacher, "you can
tell a tree's age by counting the rings in
a cross section. One ring
for each year."
Fred went home for
tea and found a chocolate roll on the table.
"I'm not eating that,
Mum!" she said. "It's five years old."
Grandma:
You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate
every one.
Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma?
Grandma: Yes, I do.
Fred: Well, you can have mine.
How old is your
wife?
Approaching forty.
From which direction?
An
eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was
correct
that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.
`That's
right,' said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I
haven't an
enemy in the world. They're all dead.'
`Well, sir,' said the
interviewer, `I hope very much to have the
honour of interviewing
you on your hundredth birthday.'
The old man looked at the young
man closely, and said, `I can't see
why you shouldn't. You
look fit and healthy to me!'
- How can you tell if an elephant's been to
your
birthday party?
Look for his footprints in the ice cream.
- How does Moby Dick celebrate his
birthday?
He has a whale of a party!
- How old were you on your last birthday?
Eight.
And how old will you be on your next birthday?
Ten.
Oh, I don't think that's possible.
Oh, yes it is - I'm nine
today.
- I forgot my brother's
birthday last
month.
What did he say? Rick: Nothing, yet.
- I'd like to say
something nice about you
as it's your birthday.
Why don't you?
Because I can't think
of a single thing to say!
- I've been shopping for
my wife's
birthday present.
What did you get her?
A bottle of expensive toilet
water. It cost 20.
20! Why didn't you come to my house - you could
have had some of ours
for free!
- It was
Grandpa Jones' 100th birthday and
he was still in perfect health. At
his birthday party he was asked
how he managed to live so long and stay
so fit.
He explained
"I put my long life down to spending so much time out of
doors.
I've been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for
the last
75th years."
"How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous
fitness regime?" we
asked.
"It's simple" he said. "When I
married my wife 75 years ago, we
both made solemn pledge on our wedding
night. We agreed that whenever we
ever had a fight, whoever was
proved wrong would go outside and take
long walk."
- Joe was sitting at a bar. He was totally
depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was
wrong.
"I'll never understand women" said Joe. "The other night on my
birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I
wanted."
"Wow! That's quite some gift" said the bartender. "So why are
you
so dejected?"
"Well I thought about it for a while" said
Joe, "and decided to send
her home to her mother, and now she
won't even speak to me!"
- Johnny was racing
around the garden on his
new bicycle and called out to his mother to
watch his tricks.
'Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No
teeth!'
- Man l: "I got my wife a VCP
for her
birthday"
Man 2: "Don't you mean a VCR?"
Man 1: "No, a VCP . . .
Very Cheap Present!"
- Sam's girlfriend's birthday was the same
day as his
father's. He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume
and his father a
pistol.
He wrapped the perfume and wrote a
note to his girlfriend, saying,
'Use this all over yourself and
think of me.'
Unfortunately he put the note on his father's
present.
- Something
happened to me yesterday that
will never, ever, happen to me again.
How can you be so sure?
I
was 10 years old yesterday.
- The housewife answered a knock on the door
and found
a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
'Excuse me
for disturbing you, ma'am,' he said politely, ' but I
pass your
house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that
every
day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of
bread!'
'That's right.'
'Every day you wallop him on the head
with a loaf of bread, and yet
this morning you were hitting him
with a chocolate cake....?'
'Well, today is his birthday!'
- The housewife answered a knock on the door
and found a total
stranger standing on the doorstep.
"Excuse me
for disturbing you, ma'am," he said politely, "but I
pass your
house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that
every day
you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of
bread."
"That's right." "Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of
bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate
cake." "Well, today is his birthday."
- What did one candle say to the
other?
"Don't birthdays burn you up?"
- What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?
"Hi, Buster."
- What did the burglar
give his wife for
her birthday?
A stole.
- What did you get for your birthday?
Another year!
- What do they serve at birthday
parties in
heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
- What do you always get
on your birthday?
Another year older!birt
- What do you give a
nine-hundred-pound
gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you'd better hope he
likes it!
- What does a cat like
to eat on his
birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
- What does a clam do on
his birthday?
He shellabrates!
- What has wings, a long tail, and wears a bow?
A birthday pheasant!
- What is an elf's favourite kind of birthday
cake?
Shortcake!
- What is your favourite type of birthday
present?
Another present!
- What song should
you sing to a wildebeest
on his birthday?
"Happy Birthday To Gnu!"
- What's the greatest birthday
present?
Hard to say - but a drum takes a lot of beating.
- When is a birthday cake like a golf
ball?
When it's been sliced.
- When is your birthday?
17th January.
What year?
Every year!
- Where do you find a birthday
present for
a cat?
In a cat-alogue!
- Why couldn't prehistoric man send
birthday cards?
The stamps kept falling off the rocks!
- Why did Davy Crockett always
wear a
coonskin cap?
It was a birthday present from his wife!
- Why did the boy feel warm on his
birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
- Why did the boy put candles on the toilet?
He wanted to have a birthday potty!
- Why did the fat monster put
a candle on
his tummy?
He was celebrating his girthday!
- Why did you buy me
a pair of bunny ears?
I wanted you to have a hoppy birthday!
- Why did you hit your birthday cake with a
hammer?
Because you said it was pound cake!
- Why do we put candles on top of a birthday
cake?
Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
- Why does the monster act wild
and crazy
on his birthday?
He's trying to age disgracefully!
- Why was the birthday cake as hard
as a
rock?
Because it was marble cake!
- Why was the monster standing on his head at
the birthday party?
He heard they were having upside-down
cake!
- Why won't anyone eat the dogs birthday cake?
Because he always slobbers out the candles!
- Will you come to my party on
Saturday?
Yes, please, What's the address?
25 The High Street. Just push
the bell with your elbow.
Why with my elbow?
Well, you won't be
empty-handed, will you!
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