blind jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: blind jokes
- A blind man walks into a store
with his
seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and
begins
swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and
asks,
"What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking
around."
- A blind man walks into a store with his seeing
eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging
the
dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks,
"What are
you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking
around."
- A blind man was describing his favorite sport,
parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that
things were all done
for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing
eye dog and told when
to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring
for me and out I go with
the dog."
"But how do you know when
you are going to land?" he was asked. "I
have a very keen sense of
smell, and I can smell the trees and grass
when I am 300 feet from
the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your
legs for the final arrival on
the ground?" he was again asked. He
quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's
leash goes slack."
- A blind man was waiting to cross the road when a
dog stopped and cocked its leg against him. The blind man felt in
his
pocket for a sweet, bent down, and offered it to the dog. A
passerby
remarked what a very kind act that was considering what the
dog had done.
"Not at all," said the blind man. "I only wanted to
find out which
end to kick."
- A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each
other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit
and
said, "You're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be
a
rabbit."
The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and
said, "You're slimy,
beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a
math teacher."
- A nun in the convent
walked into the
bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower.
"There is a blind man
to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind
man, than it does
not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."
The blind man
walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to
tell him how
much she appreciates him working at the convent for them.
She goes on
and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's
nice and
all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you
want
me to put these blinds?
- A snake
and a rabbit were racing along a
pair of intersecting forest pathways
one day, when they collided at
the intersection. They immediately began
to argue with one another as
to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked
that he had been blind since birth, and thus
should be given
additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been
blind since birth.
The two animals then forgot about the collision and
began
commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said
that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity.
He had never
been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that
reason did
not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.
The
rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they
could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from
head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal w
as.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around
the rabbit.
After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very
soft, fuzzy fur,
long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for
a tail. I think that
you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The
rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to
return
the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a
few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've
got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and
you've
got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
- A teacher at a
school for blind kids is
taking his school's soccer team to an "away
game". They stop for a
rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy
with a little
impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is
sitting in a
nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that
blind kids
can play soccer.
"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so
the kids can keep track
of where the ball is and what it's doing
by listening for it. They're
pretty good at it too."
"Very
clever!" remarks the other patron.
Just then they are
interrupted as another patron, who is looking out
the window, says, "Hey!
Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from
the bus?"
"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being
refered
to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"
"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window,
r
"but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the
hell
out of my best milk cow!"
- An out-of-towner drove his
car into a ditch
in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to
help with his
big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car
and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move.
Then
the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't
respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the
horse
easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was
most appreciative and very curious. He asked the
farmer why he
called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is
blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling,
he wouldn't
even try!"
- Did you hear about the blind porcupine?
He
fell in love with a pincushion!
- Have
you seen stieve wonders house? -niether
did he
- How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke him in
the eye
- One day at a busy
airport, the passengers on
a commercial airliner are seated waiting for
the pilot to show up
so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear
in the rear of the plane and begin
walking up to the cockpit through
the center aisle. Both appear to be
blind; the pilot is using a
white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles down
the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their eyes
covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react
thinking that it must be some
sort of practical joke. After a few
minutes though, the engines start
revving, and the airplane begins
moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some
uneasiness. They start
whispering among themselves and look
desperately to the stewardesses for
reassurance.
Yet, the plane
starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking.
Some
passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to
the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more
hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left,
there is a
sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone
screams at once. At
the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is
airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of
relief and tells the
pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers
aren't going to
scream, and we aren't going to know when to take
off!"
- One day two blind men started
fighting.
Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.
Then one of the members of
the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 bucks on the
one with the
knife."
Both men ran away.
- Q. How did a blind girl burn her
fingers?
A. Reading the waffle iron
- Q. How did a blind woman drive herself
crazy?
A. Trying to read a stucco wall.
- Q:
How did a blind woman pierce her
ear?
A: Answering the stapler.
- Q: How did a blind man
meet his
wife?
A: On a blind date!
- Q: How did a blind man drive his car?
A:
One hand on the wheel; the other on the road.
- Q: How did a blind man get poke marks on
his
face?
A: Learning to eat with a fork.
- Q: What did a blind boy's parent's
do to
punish him? A: Rearranged the furniture
- Q: What do you call
a blind German?
A: A
Not See (Nazi)
- Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It
scares the heck out of the dog.
- Q: Why was a blind man's leg wet?
A: Her
dog was blind too.
- The blind farmer was often taken for a
walk
in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might
have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards
them
one day, he abandoned the blind man.
The bull, puzzled
by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He
turned very
quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the
ground with
a bump that left it breathless.
"Aidan," said the neighbor, "I
never knew you were so strong."
"Faith, and if I could have got
that fella off the handlebars of the
bicycle I'd have thrashed him
properly."
- There once was a blind man who decided to visit
Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,
"Wow,
these seats are big!" The person next to him answered,
"Everything is
big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he
decided to visit a bar. Upon
arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer
and got a mug placed between his
hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these
mugs are big!" The bartender replied,
"Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where
the
bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to
the
right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally
tripped over
and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the
third door, which
lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by
accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
"Don't flush, don't
flush!"
- There were those three guys, a
priest, a
doctor and an engineer, and they were playing golf. But the
group
before them was extremely slow and at each hole they waited hours.
Finally the priest asked around, why was that other group was so slow? He
was told that they were very courageous firemen who saved the golf
course a couple of years ago from a terrible fire, in which they all
lost
their sight. As a proof of appreciation they were given the
right to
play on the course whenever they wanted. They like that a
lot, but being
blind they are just not too good at hitting the ball,
let alone finding
it after it's hit.
The priest said, "Oh my
this is terrible. Tonight I'll say a little
prayer for these
courageous souls."
The doctor heard that and said "Don't worry. I'll send
them to a
friend of mine, he's an ophtalmologist and he works
wonders."
The engineer said "Wait. Why can't they just play at ni
ght?"
- Two blind man at a cinema: "Can you see
something ?"
"No".
"Then let's go in front !"
- What is the difference between a blind man and a
sailor
in prison?
One can't see to go, the other can't go to
sea.
- Where do blind sparrows go for treatment ?
The Birds Eye counter !
- Why are bats blind?
Well, your eyesight
wouldn't be too good if you hung upside down all
day would it?
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