business jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: business jokes
- "I'm not saying that the customer service in
my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the
clerk to
check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."
- "Information?
I need the number of the
Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell
that, please?"
"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E
as in eye. W as in why.
A as in are. Y as in you." The operator pauses.
"Just a minute,
sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor . .
."
- "The fees for
withdrawing money from your
ATM machines are expected to double, even
triple. You're gonna pay
two to three as much to withdraw your money so
basically the ATM
machines have become full service. Instead of getting
robbed at the
ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the
middle man."
- Jay Leno
- "Young man, do you think you can handle a
variety
of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had ten
different jobs in four
months."
- 'I'm very sad to announce this morning,
girls, that
Miss Jones has decided to retire,' said the principal at
morning
assembly. ' Now we will all stand and sing this morning's
hymn....now
Thank We All Our God.'
- A
man went to apply for a job. After
filling out all of his applications,
he waited anxiously for the
outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an
opening
for people like you."
"Oh, great," he said, "What is
it?"
"It's called the door!"
- A
very successful businessman had a
meeting with his new son-in-law. "I
love my daughter, and now I welcome
you into the family," said the
man. "To show you how much we care
for you, I'm making you a 50-50
partner in my business. All you
have to do is go to the factory every day
and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the
noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then
you'll work in the
office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being
stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the
father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner
of a moneymaking
organization, but you don't like factories and won't
work in a office. What
am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me
out."
- A businessman was confused about a bill he
had received, so
he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you
take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but
my earrings."
- A businessman who needed millions of dollars
to
clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.
By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an
urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100
into the
other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the
church.The
businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now,
Lord, that I have
your undivided attention .... "
- A customer walks into a restaurant and
notices
a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order!
When his
waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.
She
calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all
hell
breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the
kitchen. He runs up to
the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills
down on it and says, "You
got me this time buddy, but I want you to
know that's the first time
in ten years we've been out of rye
bread!"
- A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get
to
his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head
table, he
suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false
teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The
man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and
pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The
speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have
another pair...try these."
The speaker tried them and responded,
"Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I
have one more paid
of false teeth...try them."
The speaker
said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and
gave his
address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over
to thank the
man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you
for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've
been looking
for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm
the local undertaker."
- A fellow had just been
hired as the new
CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down
met with him privately and
presented him with three numbered
envelopes. "Open these if you run up
against a problem you don't think
you can solve," he said. Well,
things
went along pretty
smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn
and he was really
catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he
remembered the
envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first
envelope. The
message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO
called a
press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the
previous
CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street
--
responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was
soon
behind him. About a year later, the company was again
experiencing a
slight dip in sales, combined with serious product pro
blems. Having
learned from his previous experience, the CEO
quickly opened the second
envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This
he did, and the
company
quickly rebounded. After several
consecutive profitable quarters, the
company once again fell on difficult
times. The CEO went to his office,
closed the door and opened the
third envelope. The message said,
"Prepare
three envelopes."
- A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay
telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced
when
the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for
repair brought only promises.
After several days, the phone
company was again contacted and told that
there was no longer a
rush.
The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being
returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived
within the hour!
- A frog goes into
the bank and asks the
teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to
see Mr. Paddywack,
the loan officer.
Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says, "What do
you have for
collateral?"
The frog pulls out of his pocket
a solid silver elephant.
Mr. Paddywack looks at the elephant
and says, "I don't know. I'm
going to have to ask Mr. Larson, the
bank manager to approve this."
He goes into Mr. Larson's office
and comes back.
Two minutes later, Mr. Larson comes out with
the elephant and says,
"It's a knick-knack Paddywack, give the frog
a loan!"
- A Japanese guy is at Los
Angeles
International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to
Japan. While
he's waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to
change his
remaining dollars.
He counts his money at the counter. "Wait a
minute," he says to the
clerk, "When I came here I got more dollars for
my yen. What's going
on here?"
"Fluctuations." says the
clerk.
The Japanese man stiffens. "Well! Fluck you Americans,
too!"
- A man has spent many days
crossing the
desert without water. His camel has died of thirst. He's
crawling
through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all
of
a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several
yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the
sand, and discovers what
looks to be an ash tray from an old car.
He opens it and out pops a genie....
But this is no
ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a
plaid sport
coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket
with a
blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid,"
says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust
a used car salesman!"
"What do you have to lose? You've
got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!
"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the
genie is
right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with
plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The man finds
himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And
he is
surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid,
what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich
beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself
surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and
precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish.
Better
make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab
says:
"I wish that no matter where I go a beautiful woman will
want and need
me."
***POOF*** He's turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If a used car salesman offers you
anything at no cost, there's going
to be a string attached s
omewhere!
- A man is flying in a hot air balloon
and
realizes he is lost. He reduces
his altitude and spots a man down
below. He lowers the balloon further
and shouts: "Excuse me, can you
tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot
air balloon, hovering 30
feet
above this field."
"You
must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist.
"I do,"
replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist,
"everything you have told me is
technically
correct, but
completely useless."
The man below says: "You must be in
management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you
know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're
going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the
same
position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
- A man walks
into a shoe store, and tries
on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?"
asks the sales
clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant
promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at
the man's feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth
sthill feelth a bith tighth."
- A motorist, driving by a
Texas ranch, hit
and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver
went to
the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then
asked
what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the
rancher. "But in six years it would
have been worth $900. So $900 is
what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and
handed it to the
farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for
$900. It's postdated six years
from now."
- A new business was opening and one of the
owner's friends wanted to send
flowers for the occasion. They
arrived at the new business site and the
owner read the card; it said
"Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and
called the florist to
complain. After he had told the florist of the
obvious mistake and how
angry he was ,the florist said. "Sir, I'm
really
sorry for the
mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine
this:
somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have
flowers
with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new
location."
- A shopkeeper was dismayed
when a brand
new business much like his own opened up next door and
erected a huge
sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another
competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an
even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST
PRICES.'
The shopkeeper
panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over
his own shop. It read 'MAIN ENTRANCE'.
- A stockbroker was cold
calling about a
penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will
really move
said the broker, it's only $1 a share."
"Buy me 1000 shares."
said the client.
The next day the stock was at $2. The client
called the broker and
said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares."
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was
at $4.
The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get
me 10,000 more
shares said the client."
"Great!" said the
broker.
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock
was at $9.
Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few
days, the client ran to
the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my
shares!"
The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying
that
stock."
- A wealthy investor walked into a bank and
said to the
bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald
Jones, who I
understand is a tried and trusted employee of
yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be
tried
as soon as we catch him."
- A young
ensign had nearly completed his
first overseas tour of sea duty when he
was given an opportunity to
display his ability at getting the ship
under way. With a stream of
crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with
men and soon, the
ship had left port and was streaming out of the
channel.
The
ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was
abuzz
with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under
way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised
when another seaman approached him with a message from the
captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio
message,
and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal
congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise
according to the
book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however,
you have
overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure th
e captain is aboard before
getting under way!"
- A young businessman rented a beautiful office
and
furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in.
Sitting
there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Wanting to
look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was
negotiating a big
deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge
commitments. Finally,
he put down the phone and asked the visitor
"Can I help you?"
The man said, "I've come to install the
phone."
- A young executive was leaving the office late
one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder
with
a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO,
"this is a very sensitive and important
document here, and my
secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this
thing work for me?"
"Certainly," the young executive says. He turns the machine on,
inserts the paper, and presses the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" says the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the
machine. "I just need one copy."
- A young man asked an old rich
man how he
made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and
said, "Well, son, it
was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I
was down to my last
nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an
apple. I spent the entire day polishing
the apple and, at the end of
the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I
invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent
the entire day
polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I
continued this
system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated
a fortune of
$1.37."
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy
asked.
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and
left us two million dollars."
- A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported
for his first day of
work. The manager greeted him with a warm
handshake and a smile, gave
him a broom and said, "your first job will
be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the
young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know
that," said the manager. "Here, give
me the broom, I'll show you
how."
- According to inside contacts, the Japanese
banking crisis
shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's
getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had
folded, we are
hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai
Bank plans to cut back
some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for
sale, and it is (you
guessed it!) going for a
song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office
staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is
something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a
raw deal.
- After being laid off from five
different
jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse. One day he
lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying
the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold
ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much
will it
cost?" asked Arnold. "About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold. 'I've finally got job
security!"
- American businessman was at a pier in a
small coastal
Mexican village when a small boat with just one
fisherman
docked. Inside the small boat were several large
yellow-fin
tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of
his
fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied
only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he
stay out longer and
catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had
enough to support his family's
immediate needs.
The American
then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of
his time.
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little,
play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria,
stroll into the village
each evening where I sip wine and
play guitar with my amigos. I have
a full and busy life,
senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a
Harvard MBA and could help
you. You should spend more time fis
hing and, with the
proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds
from the
bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you
would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your
catch
to a middleman you would sell directly to the
processor, eventually
opening your own cannery. You would
control the product, processing
and distribution.
"You would need to leave this small coastal
fishing village
and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC
where you
will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican
fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this
all take?"
To
which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then,
senor?" asked the Mexican.
The American laughed, and said, "That's
the best part! When
the time is right, you would announce an IPO and
sell your
company stock to the public. You'll become very rich,
you
would make millions!"
"Millions, senor?" replied t
he Mexican. "Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would
retire. Move to a small
coastal fishing village where you would sleep
late, fish a
little, play with your kids, take siesta with your
wife,
stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip
wine
and play your guitar with your amigos."
- An
elderly fisherman wrote to a mail
order house the following:
"Please send me one of those gasoline
engines for my boat you show on
page 438, and if it's any good, I'll
send you a check."
In a short time he received the following
reply: "Please send check.
If it's any good, we'll send the
engine."
- An
investment counselor decided to go out
on her own. She was shrewd and diligent,
so business kept coming
in, and pretty soon she realized that she
needed an in-house counsel.
The investment banker began to interview young
lawyers.
"As
I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the
first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must
be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an
honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me
tell you something about
honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father
lent me $15,000 for my
education, and I paid back every penny the
minute I tried my very first
case."
"Impressive. And what sort
of case was that?" asked the investment
counselor.
The
lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the
money."
- An American automobile company and a Japanese
auto
company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit
River. Both
teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak
performance. On the
big day, they were as ready as they could
be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team
became discouraged by the loss and their
morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be
found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team
of "Executives" was
set up to investigate the problem and to
recommend appropriate
corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the
Japanese team had 8 people
rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the
American team had 1 person
rowing and 8 people steering. The American
Corporate Steering Committee
immediately hired a consulting firm to
do a study on the management
structure.
After some t
ime and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded
that
"too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To
prevent
losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was
changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff
Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing
the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six
sigma
performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That
ought to
do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two
miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor
performance, sold
all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments
for new
equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high
performance awards to
the consulting firm, and distributed the money
saved as bonuses to the
senior executives.
- An American manufacturer is showing his
machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the
lunch
whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop
work and
leave the building.
"Your workers, they're
escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got
to stop them."
"Don't
worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at
exactly
one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return
from
their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to
his guest and says,
"Well, now, which of these machines would you
like to order?"
"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much
do you want for
that whistle?"
- An American manufacturer is showing his
machine factory to a
potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the
lunch whistle blows,
two thousand men and women immediately stop
work and leave the building.
"Your workers, they're escaping!"
cries the visitor. "You've got
to stop them."
"Don't worry,
they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at
exactly one
o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return
from
their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his
guest and says,
"Well, now, which of these machines would you like
to order?"
"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do
you want for
that whistle?"
- An applicant was filling out a job
application.
When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He
answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who
had answered in the
affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The
applicant answered it anyway:
"Never got caught."
- An Arthur Anderson partner comes
back to
his office and says to his manager, "Did you get my message
where I
said, 'Ship the Enron documents to the Feds'?"
The manager
goes white. "Oh My God! I thought you said rip the Enron
documents to
shreds."
- An Irishman goes for a
job on a building
site.
The man says, "Can you brew tea?"
The Irishman
says, "Yes."
"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"
The Irishman
looks at him and asksy, "Why? How big is the
teapot?"
- An organization is like a tree full of
monkeys...
all on different limbs,... at different levels,...
some climbing up.
The monkeys on the top look down and see
a tree full of
smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look
up and see nothing but
assholes.
- Another friend of mine is a very successful
businessman. He started with five thousand pounds - now he owes
fifty-five million.
- Before going to Europe on business, a man
drove his
Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask
for an
immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a
back, and
requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my
Rolls-Royce",
the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car
driven into the
bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and
gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the
bank's doors, and asked to
settle up his loan and get his car back. The
loan officer checked the
records and told him, "That will be $5,000
in principal, and $15.40 in
interest." The man wrote out a check,
thanked the loan officer, and
started to walk away.
"Wait
sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out
you
are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?
The
man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in
Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
- Boss: "I can assure you that the value of the
average employee will continue to increase."
Employee: "That's
because there will be fewer of us doing more work,
right?"
Boss: "Right. Except for the 'us' part."
- Boss: "I've decided to use humor in the
office. Experts say humor
eases tension, which is important in times
when the work force is being
trimmed.
"Knock knock."
Employee: "Who's there?"
Boss: "Not you anymore."
- Did you hear about the banker who was
recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's
college
education?
As the policeman, who also had a daughter in
college, was leading him
away in handcuffs, he said to the banker,
"I have just one question for
you. Where were you going to get the
rest of the money?"
- Did you hear about the businessman who is so
rich he
has two swimming pools, one of which is always empty?
It's for people who can't swim!
- Employer: "In this job we need someone
who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last
job, every time anything
went wrong, they said I was
responsible."
- Four corporate presidents, one
English,
one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to
an
international business conference when they were kidnapped by
terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies, and
you countries are enemies of the
Revolution," screamed the terrorist
leader, "and you're going to be executed!
Do you have any last
requests?"
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want
to honor my country and protest this barbaric
act by singing "God
Save The Queen" to all you men."
"That can be arranged," said the
terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country
before I die by
singing "The Marseilles" to your men."
The
Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving
the lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial
management."
The terrorist turned finally to the America
n.
"What is your last request?"
The American replied, "I
want you to kill me right now so I don't
have to listen to another
lecture on the Japanese style of industrial
management!"
- Four men were bragging about how smart their
dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an
Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government
Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do
your
stuff!". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper
and a pen, and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said
his dog
could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do
your
stuff!". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned
with a dozen
cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies
each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his
dog could do
better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your
stuff!". Measure
got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart
of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured ex
actly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed
that was good. The three men turned to the Government
Worker and
said, "What can your dog do?". The Government Worker called
to his dog
and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break
jumped to
his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper,
sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back
while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
- Fresh out of business school, the young man
answered a want
ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by
a very
nervous man who ran a small business that he had started
himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But
mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the
man said. "But I don't want to
have
to worry about money. Your
job will be to take all the money worries
off
my back."
"I
see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll
start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the
accountant exclaimed. "How can such a
small business afford a sum like
that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
- I'm
always delighted when people stick
their noses in my business - my company
makes paper tissues.
- INTERVIEWER to job
applicant: "Do you
think you could come up with any reason you want this
job other than
your parents want you out of their house?"
- Kowalski, fresh out of
accounting school,
went to a interview for a good paying job. The
company boss asked
various questions about him and his education, but then
asked him,
"What is three times seven?"
"Twenty-two," Kowalski
replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he
should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get
the
job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he
was hired for the
job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the
mouth, but was still
very curious.
The next day, Kowalski
went in and asked why he got the job, even
though he got such a simple
question wrong. The boss shrugged and said,
"Well, you were the
closest."
- Mom and Dad are in the iron and
steel
business.
She does the ironing and he does the stealing.
- Monster: Stick 'em down.
Ghost: Don't
you mean, stick 'em up.
Monster: No wonder I'm not making much
money in this business.
- My husband's business is rather up-and-down
-
he makes yo-yos.
- On the first day his son joined the family
firm, the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and
said,
'I am going to give you your very first lesson in
business. Stand on
the edge of the roof.'
Reluctantly, the
boy went to stand on the edge of the roof.
'Now,' said his
father, 'when I say, "Jump," I want you to jump
off the roof.'
'But, Dad,' said the boy, 'there's a huge drop!'
'Do
you want to succeed in business?'
'Yes, Dad.'
'And
you trust me, don't you?'
'Yes, Dad.'
'So do as I
say and jump.'
The boy jumped. He crashed to the ground and lay
there, winded and
bruised. His father went racing down the stairs
and ran up to him.
That was your first lesson in business, son.
Never trust anyone.'
- One day an out
of work mime is visiting
the zoo and attempts
to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as
soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs
him and
drags him into his office.
The zoo-keeper explains to
the mime that the zoo's most
popular attraction, a gorilla, has
died suddenly and the
keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall
off. He
offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until
they
can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next
morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and
enters the cage before
crowd comes. He discovers that it's a
great job. He can sleep all he
wants, play and make fun of
people and he draws bigger crowds than he
ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and
he tires of
just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice
that the people are paying more
attention to the lion in the cag
e next to his. Not wanting to
lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of
his cage, crawls across a partition, and
dangles from the top
to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion
furious,
but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the
zoo-keeper
comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a
good
attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps
taunting
the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps
going
up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the
furious lion,
he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The
lion gathers itself
and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins
to run round and round
the cage with the lion close behind. Finally,
the mime starts
screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion
is quick
and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat
on his back looking up at
the angry lion and the lion says, "
Shut up you idiot! Do you
want to get us both fired?"
- Q: What do you call a credit union volunteer
in
a room full of bank directors?
A: A superior being.
- Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax
time?
A: A dependent Claus.
- Q: Why did the bank drive-up window teller
have
tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit?
A:
From crawling across the street when the sign said: "Don't
Walk."
- Resolving to surprise her husband, an
executive's wife stops by his office.
As she walks in
unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his
lap.
Without
hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter... "And in
conclusion
gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this
office
with just one chair.
- Resolving to surprise her husband, an
executive's wife stops by his office.
As she walks in
unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his
lap.
Without
hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter... "And in
conclusion
gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this
office
with just one chair.
- Several
weeks after a young man had been
hired, he was called into
the personnel director's office. "What is
the meaning of this?" the
director asked. "When you applied for this
job, you told us you had
five
years experience. Now we
discovered this is the first job you've ever
held."
"Well," the young
man replied, "in your advertisement you said you
wanted somebody
with imagination."
- Smith goes to
see his supervisor in the
front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy
house-cleaning at home
tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic
and the garage,
moving and hauling stuff."
"We're
short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you
the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
- The
Americans and Japanese decided to
engage in a boat race. Both teams
practiced hard and long to reach
their peak performance levels. On the big
day they felt ready. The
Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the
loss. Morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for
the crushing defeat had to be
found, so a consulting firm was hired
to investigate the problem and
recommend corrective
action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing
and one person steering: the American team had one person rowing and
eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions
spent analyzing the problem, the
consultant firm concluded that too
many people were steering and not
enough were rowing on the American
team. So as race day neared again the
following year, the
American's team management structure was completely
reorganized. The
new structure: four steering managers, three area
steering
managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing
the
boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by
TWO miles!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the
rower for poor
performance and gave the managers a bonus for
discovering the problem.
- The Americans and the Japanese decided to
engage in a boat
race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach
their peak
performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The
Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the loss.
Morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be
found, so a consulting firm was hired to
investigate the problem and
recommend corrective action.
The
Japanese team had six people rowing and one person steering and
rowing; the American team had two people rowing and five people steering.
After a year of study and thousands spent analyzing the problem, the
consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and
not
enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared
again the
following year, the American team's management structure
was completely
reorganized. The new structure for the American
s was: one quality
assurance manager, two steering managers, one
area steering managers, and a
new performance review manager for the
two people rowing the boat to
provide work incentive.
That
year, the Japanese won by TWO miles !!!
Humiliated, the American
corporation laid off the rowers for poor
performance and gave the
managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
- The banker fell overboard from a friend's
sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not
knowing if the
banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float
alone?"
"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time
to
talk business."
- The boss called one of his employees into the
office.
"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for
a year. You
started off in the post room, one week later you were
promoted to a sales
position, and one month after that you were
promoted to district manager
of the sales department.
"Just
four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now
it's
time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.
"What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
"I
suppose not," the employee said.
"Thanks, Dad."
- The boss returned from lunch in a good mood
and called the whole
staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had
picked up. Everybody, but
one girl laughed
uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense
of
humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving
Friday."
- The farmer goes to town one day and happens
to run
into his old pal the tractor salesman.
"How's
business?" asks the farmer. "Not very good, I haven't sold
a
tractor
in months, How are things on the farm?" asked the
salesman.
"Well-- The other day I went out to the barn to milk that old cow I
have.
I started milking and she swatted me with her tail, so I tied
her tail
to
the ceiling. I started milking again and she kicked
me with her left
leg
so I tied that to the left side of the
stall. I started milking again
and
she kicked me with her right leg
so I tied that one to the right side
of
the stall. About that
time my wife walked in the barn, and if you can
convince her that I
was just trying to milk that damn cow,
I'll buy a tractor from
you!!"
- The Mafia was looking
for a new man to make weekly
collections from
all the private businesses that they were
'protecting'.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use
a deaf
person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't
be able to
communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well,
on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000.
He
gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe
place.
The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and
sends some
of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the
deaf
collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector
can't
communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an
interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the
money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
r
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The
interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what
you're
talking about."
The hood pulls out a large gun and places it
in the ear of the deaf
collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf
man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the
third tree
stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ."
The
interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what
you're
talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull
the
trigger."
- The Mafia was looking for a new man to make
weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were
'protecting.' Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide
to use a
deaf person for this job, figuring if he were to get
caught, he
wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was
doing.
In his first week, the deaf collector picks up more than
$40,000. He
gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in
a safe place.
The Mafia boss soon realizes the collection is
late and sends some of
his thugs after the deaf collector. The thugs
drag the guy to an
interpreter.
The right-hand man says to
the interpreter, "Ask him where da money
is."
The
interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf collector signs, "I
don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells
the main man, "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking abo
ut."
The main man pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of
the deaf
collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."
The
interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf collector
signs, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central
Park just east of the
big fountain."
The interpreter's eyes light up, and he says to
the thug, "He says he
still doesn't know what you're talking
about, and doesn't think you
have the guts to pull the trigger."
- The new employee
stood before the paper
shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding
it
into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come
out?"
- The social
worker asked the bartender
"What's the difference between your job and
mine?"
The bartender
replied: "I only had to go to bartender school for 6
weeks and I
learned to mix a very good drinks, than wait a couple of hours
to
have people tell me their innermost thoughts while you went to
school
for 6 years, paid thousands and thousands of dollars, sit session
after session using technique after technique, and you still may never
hear them!!!
- The Ten Commandments Of Employment
If
it rings, put it on hold.
If it clunks, call the
repairman.
If it whistles, ignore it.
If it's a friend, stop work and
chat.
If it's the boss, look busy.
If it talks, take
notes.
If it's handwritten, type it.
if it's typed, copy
it.
If it's copied, file it.
If it's Friday, forget
it!
- The world is divided into two groups. There
are those who
know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no
problem.
Those who don't know are also in two
groups.
One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can
learn!
But then, there are those who don't know, and don't
know they don't
know. And they become unit managers!
- There are three beggars begging on Wall
Street.
The first beggar wrote "Beggar" on his broken cup. He
received $10.00
after one day.
The next day, the second beggar
wrote "Beggar.com" on his cup. After
one day, he received hundreds
of thousands of dollars and an offer to
float an IPO on
NASDAQ.
The following day, the third beggar wrote "e-Beg" on his cup.
Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him
about
strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy.
In
addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle
technology and
that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b
industry portal
offering supply chain integration in the beggar
community.
- There was once a high-powered businessman who
insisted on taking his three secretaries everywhere with him - a
tall
one for writing longhand, a short one for taking down shorthand,
and a
very small one for adding footnotes.
- There was this man who was in a
horrible
accident, and was injured. But
the only permanent damage he suffered
was the amputation of both of his
ears. As a result of this
'unusual' handicap, he was very
self-conscious
about his having no
ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money
from the
insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own
business, so
he
decided with all this money he had, he now had
the means to own a
business. So he went out and purchased a small,
but expanding computer
firm. But he realized that he had no
business knowledge at all, so he
decided that he would have to hire
someone to run the business. He
picked
out three top candidates, and
interviewed each of them. The first
interview went really well. He
really liked this guy. His last question
for this first candidate
was, 'Do you notice anything unusual about
me?'
The guy s
aid, 'Now that you mention it, you have no ears.' The man
got
really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even
better
than the first. This candidate was much better than the
first. Again,
to
conclude the interview, the man asked the same
question again, 'Do you
notice anything unusual about me?' This
guy also noticed, 'Yes, you
have
no ears.' The man was really
upset again, and threw this second
candidate
out. Then he had
the third interview.. The third candidate was even
better
than
the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he
wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, 'Do you notice
anything
unusual about me?' The guy replied 'Yeah, you're wearing
contact
lenses.'
Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's
quite perceptive of you!
How
could you tell?' The guy burst out
laughing and said, 'Well, You
can't
wear glasses if you d
on't have any ears!'
- These two construction workers always noticed
that their boss always left
early on Fridays. So one asked the
other that if the boss left early
next
Friday if he would want
to also. The other man agreed. Sure enough,
when
Friday came,
the boss left early. Therefore, the two men left also. The
one
offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to
just
head on home. When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs.
When
he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the
noise was coming
from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss
sleeping with his
wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed
back down the stairs and
out the front door. He made his way down to
the bar to see if his
friend
was still there and he was. His
friend asked, "I thought you were
headed
home?" The man replied,
"I did, but this is the last time I ever
leave
work early a
gain." His friend asked, "Why's that?" The man replied,
"I
almost got caught by the boss."
- This guy is selling three parrots. Another
guy
who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are
your
parrots?"
The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000."
"What does he
know?"
"He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences
and is able to solve
mathematical expressions."
"How about the
second one?"
"The second parrot costs $5,000."
"What does he
know?"
"He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve
mathematical expressions, and create computer programs."
"Then what
is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering."
"This one
costs $20,000."
"Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he
know?"
"This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always
call him
'THEIR BOSS.'"
- This guy is walking with his friend. He says
to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."
The friend replies
"How so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim
of inflation,
and both of these together are putting me into a deep
depression!"
- This is the story of four
people named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an
important job
to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could
have
done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because
it
was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but
Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up
that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
- Tom had this problem of getting up late in
the
morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and
threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom
went to
his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it
before he went to
bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the
morning by almost
two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove
cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, " The pill actually
worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you
yesterday?"
- Tom was so excited about his promotion to
Vice
President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it
to
his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it
any longer, and told him, "Listen, it
means nothing, they even have
a vice president of peas at the grocery
store!".
"Really?"
he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to
call the
grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk
to the Vice President
of peas?"
The clerk replies "Canned
or frozen?"
- ttle Johnny was in class and the teacher
announced that
they were going to try something different to help
everyone get to know
each other a little better, and to help with their
spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the
occupation of
your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give
us all if he was
here today."
The first student raised her
hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go
first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he
was here
today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin
stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if
he
was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said,
"My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait,
A-C-K, no..."
n
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut
him off
and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a
while. When
he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up
and try
again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement
hoping to be acknowledged
by the teacher. The teacher called on
little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie.
B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here
today, he would give us all 20:1 odds
Jeff will never be able to spell
"accountant."
- Two
neighbors were talking about work,
when one asked, "Say, why did the
foreman fire you?"
Replied
the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing
around
and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People
started thinking I was the foreman."
- Two gas company servicemen, a senior training
supervisor and a young
trainee, were out checking meters in a
suburban neighborhood. They parked
their truck at the end of the alley
and worked their way to the other
end. At the last house a woman
looking out her kitchen window watched
the two men as they checked her
gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor
challenged his younger
coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the
truck to prove that
an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from
that
last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They
stopped and
asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she
replied, "When I see two gas men running as
hard as you two were, I
figured I'd better run too!"
- Two government economists were returning
home from a field meeting. As with all government travelers, they were
assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were
occupying
the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.
They
continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the
subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally
one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they
could talk and he could sleep.
After switching seats, one
economist remarked to the other that it was
the first time an
economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.
- Two Italian
construction workers were in
the field on an extremely hot day working.. the
one says to the
other " hey how come we do all a da work and he gets
all a da money?"
pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I don't
know, go ask
him." So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey,
how come we
do all a da work and you get all a da money?" The
supervisor says
"Intelligence".
Guido says "what is this intelligence?"
The
supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my
hand as hard as you
can!"
Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit
the
supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor
pulls his hand
away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor
says "That's
intelligence".
Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and
his
co-worker says "Hey what did he say?"
With a sheepish look on his face
Guido puts his hand on his
face and says "hita my hand as hard as
you can. . ."
- What
happens when business is slow at a
medicine factory?
You can hear a cough drop.
- What business is King Kong in?
Monkey
business.
- What did the ruthless businessman say to
his employees?
If at first you don't succeed - you're fired!
- When Abraham Liebowitz
gets to school he
discovers that he is the only
Jewish kid in the class. But it's a
decent town and nobody really
bothers
him.
One day the
teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who
ever
lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar
bill
in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get
this
twenty
dollars".
All of the kids called out their
guesses.
One said "George Washington - because he was the father
of our
country."
"That's excellent" said the teacher.
Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."
"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an
excellent, but
still being polite.
One little girl said "Joan
of Arc - because she saved France."
Another excellent choice
said the teacher.
Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.
nSo the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the
greatest
person who ever lived, and why?"
And Abraham said
"Jesus Christ."
The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm
very surprised.
Class,
I think we can all agree that Abraham
should get the twenty dollars."
And
she handed Abraham Liebowitz
the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she
asked Abraham
why
he said Jesus.
Abraham said "Look,
personally I think Moses was the greatest person
who
ever lived,
but... business is business!"
- When Bernard got fired from his last job they
were really tough. They made him hand back his keys to the
executive
toilets, return his company credit card, give back his company
car, and
even give back his ulcer!
- When I asked my boss for a salary rise
because I
was doing the work of three men he said he couldn't increase
my pay,
but if I told him the names of the three men he'd fire
them.
- When the office photo-copies began to look
faint, the office manager called in a local repair service.
The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the
manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning.
The
tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator's
manual
and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100.00, if he
did the work.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office
manager asks, "Does
your boss know you are discouraging business?"
"Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers".
"After people try first to fix things themselves, we end-up making
much
more money on repairs"
- Why
did the electrician close early on
Mondays?
Because business was very light.
- Why did the doughnut maker retire?
He was
fed up with the hole business.
PAGE: [1]