car and train jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: car and train jokes
- "Take the wheel, Harry!" said the
nervous lady driver. "There's a tree
coming straight for us!"
- "When you exit the bus, please
be
sure to lower your head and watch your step."
"If you miss your
step and hit your head, please lower your voice and
watch your
language. Thank you."
- "Where's the car?" asked Professor
Delbert's wife when he got home.
"Did I take it out?"
"Yes, you drove it to school this morning."
"I suppose you're
right, my dear. I remember now that after I got
out, I turned to
thank the man who gave me a lift and wondered where he'd
gone."
- A
Roadway driver is driving east on
Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and
the CB crackles to life .
"Hey Roadway driver whos the two biggest poofs in America?"
comes
from the CB.
The Roadway driver replies . "I
don't know" .
The other trucker says " You and your brother
".
Well the Roadway driver gets all annoyed but the other driver tells
him
"Its just a joke - tell it to the next truck you
see."
Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour an finally sees
another truck .he gets on the CB and says " Hey other truck do you know
who
the two biggest poofs in the world are?"
The other trucker
says " I don't know who?"
The roadway driver replies " Me and
my brother"
- A boy sat on a train chewing gum and
staring vacantly into space, when suddenly an old woman sitting
opposite
said, 'It's no good you talking to me, young man, I'm stone
deaf
!'
- A businessman was traveling in the train
and his
seat was reserved in the last couch of the train. Every
time the train
stops at station and he faced so much of problem as all
shops to
purchase eatables were far off. He was very upset and
every time he was
remembering that's all happened because I am in the
last couch. When he got
down at the destination station, he asked
the station person that he
wants to lodge a complaint against the
railway staff. The complaints and
suggestions book was given to him
and he wrote: " There should not be
any last couch in the train. If
there is any last couch in the train,
it should be kept somewhere
in the middle.
- A driver pulled up beside a rundown
farmhouse. He got out
and
knocked at the door. A very old woman
answered the door, and
he asked her for directions to Des
Moines.
"Don't know," the woman said.
He got back in his car and
pulled away. Then he heard voices.
He looked in his rearview mirror
and saw the woman and an
equally old man waving for him to come back.
So he made a U-
turn and drove up to them.
"This is my
husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know
how to get to Des Moines
either."
- A driver tucked this note under the
windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20
minutes.
I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll
lose my
job. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he came back
he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've
circled the block
for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll
lose my job.
Lead us not into temptation."
- A driver, obviously
drunk, was
heading the wrong way down
a one-way street when a policeman pulled him
over. "Didn't
you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked.
"An arrow?"
the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the
Indians
- A grizzled old man was eating in a truck
stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked
up
to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and
then
took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old
man, spat
into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the
counter. The
third walked up to the old man, turned over the old
man's plate, and
then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a
word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly
thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,
"Humph, not much of a
man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver
either, he just
backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
- A guy driving a truck in the middle of
nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker.
It gets dark and the hitch-hiker
falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the
hitch-hiker wakes up,"what the
hell was that?". The truck driver
replies, "some kinda animal, go
back to sleep."
Further the same thing again, bang, "What the hell was
that?",
"some kinda animal again."
Further into the night, bang,
bang, bang, "What the hell was that?",
"Some bastard!". "How
terrible",says the hitch-hiker, "but there
were
3 bangs"
The truck
driver replies, "Yeah, well I had to go through two fences
to get the
bastard. . ."
- A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a
stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.
He rolled down his window and
shouted to the driver of the Rolls.
"Hey, buddy, that's a nice
car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a
phone in my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I
have
a phone."
The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you
also got a fridge in
there, too? I've got one in the back seat of
my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I
have a
refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo said, "That's
great, man! Hey, you got a TV in
there? You know, I got a TV in the
back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated
by now, replied, "Of course,
I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is
the finest luxury car in the
world!"
The driver of the Yugo
said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed
in there? I
got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls,
upset that he did not have a bed, sped away
and went straight to the
dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be
installed in the back
of his Rolls-Royce.
The next morning, he returned to pick up
his car, and the bed looked
superb It came complete with silk sheets
and a brass-trimmed headboard.
It was clearly a bed fit for a
Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls
began searching for the Yugo. He
drove around all day and finally found
the Yugo late that night.
It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He
got
out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't
any
answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the
owner of the
Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head
out.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the
driver of the
Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of th
e Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me
out of the
shower to tell me that?!?!"
- A Lutheran
minister is driving down
to New York to see the
radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut
for speeding. The
state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and
then he sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir,
have you
been drinking?"
And the minister says, "Just
water."
The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
And the
minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good
Lord, He's done it
again!"
- A man
walks into an auto parts store
and says "I'd like a rear view mirror
for my Yugo."
The man
behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says
"Yup,
seems like a fair trade to me."
- A man goes out and buys the best
car
available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the
best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He
takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An
old
man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next
to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the
car and asks
"What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".
The
dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."
"That's
a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it
cost so
much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the
cool dude
proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look
inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his
head in the window and looks around. Leaning
back on his moped, the
old man says "That's a pretty nice car,
alright!"
Just
then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It
seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh!
Something whips by him! Going maybe three
times as fast!
The
guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo
BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward
him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man
on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a
Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview
mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car,
demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and discovers it
is the old man! Of course, the moped
and the old man are hurting for
certain. The guy runs up to the dying
old man and asks "You'
re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for
you?"
The old
man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view
mirror on
your car!"
- A man is driving along in the Irish
countryside, when he
comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of
petrol, the man decides
to stop. He says to the attendant at the
station, "Fill it up, will
you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right
out of petrol." So the man
considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low
on oil, would you mind
topping that up?" And the attendant
responds"Sorry, but no oil either."
The man thinks, and asks the attendant
to wash his windscreen, to which
he gets the by-now predictable
response that he can't do that. The man
at this point is fairly mad,
so he asks the attendant "Just what kind
of petrol station is this
?" The attendant then looks both ways, and
very carefully whispers
to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just
an IRA front."
The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres
!"
- A man is driving down the road for a
long period of time.
During
his travel, he sees a priest with
a gas can hitch hiking, so he
gladly picks him up he
says,"Normally father, i dont pick up hitch
hikers. You seem like a man of
dignity so i thought id make an
exception.
In fact i hate
hitch hikers. The priest nods his head and they drive on
Along the
way, The driver spots another man hitch hiking. "that dirty
son
of %$#%#% ill fix him". He then swirves the car and tries to make the
hit
and run like an accident. Dang! i missed. The priests
yells,"Don't
worry
i got him with the gas can!"
- A man learned shortly before quitting
time
that he had to attend a meeting.
He tried unsuccessfully
to locate his car-pool members to let them know
that he would not
be leaving with them.
Hastily he scribbled a message to one
fellow and left it on his desk:
"I have a last-minute meeting. Leave
without me. Dave."
At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and
found this note: "Meet
us at the bar and grill across the street.
You drove today, you
idiot."
- A man was driving up a steep and narrow
mountain road.
A woman was driving down the same road.
As
they passed each other, the woman leaned out the
window and yelled,
"Pig!"
The man immediately leaned out his window and
replied,
"Moron!"
They continue on their way and as the man rounded the
next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the
road.
- A man was fed up of
having his car
broken into and having his radio stolen he decided he
would remove
it when he parked his car he also left a note saying there
is no
point in breaking in my car as there is nothing to steal. When he
returned to his car it had been broken into again and there was a new
note where his had left his, saying just checking.!
- A man was in court charged
with
parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had
anything
to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading
notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
- A man was in court charged with
parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything
to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading
notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
- A man whose son had just passed his
driving
test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven
slap into
the living room. "How did you manage to do that?" he fumed.
"Quite
simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned
left!"
- A monster goes to a petrol station and
says: Fill me up
The man at the petrol station replies: You have to
have a car for me to
do that!.
The monster replies: But I had a
car for lunch!
- A motorist ran into a shop.
"Do you
own a black and white cat?" he asked. "No," replied the
manager.
"Oh dear," said the motorist, "I must have run over a
nun."
- A passenger train is creeping along,
slowly. Finally it creaks to a
halt. A passenger sees a conductor
walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the
window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes
later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes,
however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk
again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch
up
with the cow again?"
- a quadruple amputee is waiting at the
bus stop.The bus pulls up.Driver says
"alright John, how you
getting on today?"
- A San Francisco motorist following a
taillight in a dense fog crashed into the car ahead of him when it
stopped suddenly.
"Why didn't you let me know you were going
to stop?" he yelled into
the mist.
"Why should I?" came a
voice out of the fog. "I'm in my own
garage!"
- A sardarji
was working as editor in
a daily newspaper. Once he was travelling to
Bombay to deliver a
speech about railway department improvements. His
coach was the last
coach in the train. The train was moving very fast and
so
sardarji's coach was jerking heavily. This made him not to prepare
for the
speech.
Annoyed by the event, the next day in the meeting, his
first point
towards improvement of railway department was: "There
should not be last
coach in any train."
- A state trooper pulled a car over and
told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I
was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my
radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you
weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned
toward the window and said,
'Officer, I should warn you not to argue
with my husband when
he's been drinking."
- A tiny
racing car was developed by
American scientists. The Americans then sent
the car over to Japan
to see what the Japanese could do to better the
car. The Japanese
added sport wheels and an aero kit to the car, they than
sent it to
the U.K. The British scientists, to better the car, added a
sound
system and window tint. They then sent it over to the Chinese,
who
added on a lowered suspension to the tiny car. The Chinese then sent
it over to India. The Indian scientists, looked at the tiny car,
appreciated all the modifications the other countries had made, turned it
over and stamped a sign on it.... MADE IN INDIA!!!
- A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in
New York on a dark
night. The passenger taps the driver on the
shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of
the car, nearly hits a bus, drives
up on the sidewalk, and stops
inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in
the cab, then the driver said,
"Look friend, don't EVER do that
again. You scared the daylights out of
me!"
The passenger
apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little
tap" could scare
him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together
replied, "Sorry, it's
not really your fault.
Today is my first
day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for
the last 25
years!
- A young bloke has started work on a
property, and the boss
sends him up the back paddocks to do some
fencing work, but
come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets
on the CB
radio to check if he's all right.
"I've got a
problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"
"Ah well, these
things happen sometimes," the boss says.
"Just drag the carcass
off the road so nobody else hits it in the
dark."
"But he's
not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull
bar, and I've
tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and
squealing, and he's
real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt
me!"
"Never
mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in
the back. Get
that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass
off the road and come
on home."
"Okay, boss."
Another half an hour goes by,
but there's still not a peep from
the young fella. The boss
gets back on the CB. "What's the
problem, son?"
"Well, I
did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."
"What's up? Did
you drag the pig off the road like I said?"
"Yeah boss, but his
motorcycle is still jammed under the
truck."
- A young man comes home and says "Dad,
just got my driver's license and would like to use the family
car."
Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good
grades
in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and
cut your
hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll
see."
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with
his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report
card.
I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is
always
ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"
Father
replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your
hair."
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies,
"Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked
everywhere he
went."
- After seeing a
documentary on how
inner city youths can remove
the wheels of cars in under 4 seconds
with no specialist
equipment, the McLaren team decided to fire their
pit crew and
hire four of the youths as most races can be won or lost
in the
pit lane.
The first race came along and the car came
into the pits. The
youths went to work but the McLaren team boss
noticed a real
problem.
Not only had the youths replaced all four
wheels within four
seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd
re-sprayed and
re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!
- After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the
long lines, surly clerks, and
insane regulations at the
department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a
toy store to pick up a gift for
my son. I brought my selection - a
baseball bat - to the cash
register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk
asked.
"Cash," I snapped.
Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained,
"I've spent the
afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I giftwrap the bat?"
the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you
going
back there?"
- An Irish
priest and a Rabbi get into
a car accident. They both get out of their
cars and stumble over to
the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey!
What a wreck!" The
priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The
Rabbi responds,
"Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of
whiskey from his
coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm
your nerves."
The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says,
"Well, what
are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest
says, "I
don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be
tellin'
them I wasn't the one drinkin'."
- Andy wants a job as a signalman on the
railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The
inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you
realised that
two trains were heading for each other on the same
track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the
trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down
out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd
use the manual lever
over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then,"
Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone
the
next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that
case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box
and use the
public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if
that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get
my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why
would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a
train crash."
- As a
senior citizen was driving down
the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering,
he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard
on the news that
there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be
careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of
them!"
- Auntie Gladys
bought herself a new
rear-engine continental car. She took an old friend for
a spin, but
after only half a mile, the car broke down. Both women got
out and
opened up the front of the car. 'Oh, Gladys,' said her
friend,
'you've lost your engine!'
'Never mind dear,' said auntie.
'I've got a spare one in the
trunk.'
- Auntie Maud bought herself a new
rear-engine European car. She took an
old friend for a drive, but after
only half a mile the car broke down.
Both women got out and opened up
the front of the car.
"Oh. Maud," said her friend, "you've lost
your engine!"
"Never mind, dear," said auntie. "I've got a spare one
in the
trunk."
- Blake and his parents were
drinking
at the bar in a train station when they heard a whistle. The three
of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that
they had missed the train.
"The next train is in one hour,"
said the stationmaster.
The three went back into the bar. The
parents had another drink; Blake
had a Pepsi.
Again they
heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling
away.
"Next one is sixty minutes from now!" said the stationmaster.
An hour later, Blake, with his mom and dad, raced out onto the
platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The
boy was
left standing on the platform and began to laugh
uproariously.
"Your parents just left you," said the stationmaster. "Why
are you
laughing?"
"They came to see me off!"
- Brother: How do you top a car
?
Sister: Tep on the brake, tupid.
- Did you ever see a country boy in New
York whistle for a cab? He puts two fingers in his mouth and hollers,
"Taxi!"
- Did you hear
about the boy who had
to do a project on trains?
He had to keep track of everything!
- Did you hear about
the girl who was
so keen on road safety that she always wore white at
night
?
Last Winter she was knocked down by a snow plough
- Dilmer, six-foot-three, two hundred
eighty pounds, was thrown from
his seat when the Southern Railway train
he was riding derailed.
The giant teenager flew a dozen feet
through the air before hitting
headfirst against a steel partition.
For a moment Dilmer lay dazed,
rubbing his head. The conductor came
by and kneeled down beside him.
"Don't move!" said the
conductor. "We've called an ambulance."
"Naw," said the boy, getting
to his feet. "I ain't hurt so bad.
That steel wall musta broke my
fall!"
- Five Englishmen
in an Audi Quattro
arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customer agent stops
them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to
putta fiva people ina
Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the
Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is
just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen says
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5
persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs
agent."Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and
you are
therefore breakin'a the law".
The Englishmen reply
angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We
want to speak to
someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian
official, "he can'ta come"."He's a
busy with two guys in a Uno".
- Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar.
Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60."
Tom
looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing!"
Hawk smiled
and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that
fast!"
- How did the woman feel when she got run
over by a
car?
Tired.
- How do you stop a dog howling in the
back of a car?
Put him in the front.
- I saw the most beautiful
cars in the
window of a dealership recently. A sales man came out and
said:
'Come on in. They're bigger than ever and they last a lifetime!'
Later I learned he was talking about the payments.
- I was going 70 miles an hour and got
stopped by a cop who said, -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles
per
hour?- -Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that
long.-
- If an electric train travels 90
miles an hour in a westerly direction and the wind is blowing from the
north, in which direction is the smoke blowing?
There is no smoke
from an electric train!
- If you watch the way that many motorists
drive you will soon reach the conclusion that the most dangerous
part
of a car is the nut behind the wheel.
- In a very small alley two trucks
driving in opposite directions meet.
As the drivers are equally
stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.
They angrily look one
at the other.
Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and
starts reading.
The other one politely asks, "When you've finished
the paper, will
you please bring it over, and let me read it?"
- It had been snowing for
hours when
an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students
who are
parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may
being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
"Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return
to class."
- Jill's car was unreliable and she
called John for a ride every time
it broke down.
One day John
got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this
time?" he
asked.
"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get
me?"
"Where are you?" John asked.
"I'm in the drugstore,"
Jill responded.
"And where's the car?" John asked.
Jill
replied, "It's in here with me."
- Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's
Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street.
He
ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake
with a
jerk.
Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man
approaching him, "I
stopped it!"
"I know, you idiot!" said
the man. "I was pushing it!"
- Learner driver: What happens when
everything's coming your way? Instructor: You're in the wrong
lane.
- McAfee and Bracket were driving home
after a big party.
"Hey," said McAfee, "be sure to watch out for
that bridge that's
coming down the road toward us."
"What
are you telling me to 'watch out' for?" asked Brackett.
"You're
the one who's driving!"
- Monster: I've got to walk 25 miles
home.
Ghost: Why don't you take a train.
Monster: I did once,
but my mother made me give it back.
- Monster: I've got to walk 25 miles
home.'
Ghost: Why don't you take a train?
Monster: I did once, but
my mother made me give it back.
- Motorist: Does a deer have a
horn?
Police Officer: No, a deer has two horns.
Motorist: Then it must have
been a car that ran over my uncle.
- Motorist: When I bought this car you
told me it
was rust-free, but underneath it's covered with
rust
Dealer: Yes, sir. The car is rust-free. We didn't charge you for it,
did we?
- My dad is stupid.
He thinks a fjord
is a Norwegian motor car.
- My sister's a really bad driver.
What makes you say that?
Every time she goes out in the car, Dad puts
a glass panel in the floor
so that she can see who she's run
over.
- Ole
and Lena were sitting down to
their usual morning cup of coffee,
listening to the weather report
coming over the radio.
"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today,
and a snow emergency has
been declared," the weather report said.
"You must park your cars on
the odd numbered side of the
streets."
Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.
The
next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of coffee
and
the weather forecast declares "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow
today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars
on the even numbered side of the streets."
Again, Ole says
"Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.
Two days later, again
they're sitting down with their cups of coffee
and the weather
forecast says, "There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow
today, and a snow
emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on
the -
"
Just then the power goes out and Ole doesn't get the rest of
the
instructions.
He turns to Lena and says "Jeez, what am I
going to do now, Lena?"
Lena replies "Aw, Ole, why don't you
just leave the car in the garage
today?"
- On Fred's 17th
birthday, his Dad
said he'd take him out for his first driving lesson.
As they got in
the car, the father said, "Just one thing, Fred. If
you're going
to hit anything, make sure it's cheap."
- One day a guy was driving with his
4-year-old daughter
and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and
looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by
accident."
She replied, "I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How'd you
know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!'
afterwards!"
- One day there was a family driving in the
car to Michigan to
visit their relatives. They were looking for the
street they had to turn on
to get to their relatives house. They
accedently turned on the wrong
street so they had to pull in a
driveway and turn around. When they
pulled into the driveway the girl
asked her mother "Why dont these people
have electricity?" Very
confused the mother said, "Wut are u talking
about?" The girl quickly
replied, "Well, the sign back there said NO
OUTLET!"
- One day, two guys were driving
to a
local grocery store to get some food. On the way to the store they
ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed
red.
The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked
at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're
going to get us killed!"
Then the driver responded, "Don't
worry, my mother allways drives
like this."
So later on, the
two guys came to another stoplight and that too was
red. The driver
sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked
at the
driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us
killed!
Would you please stop this nonsense!"
The driver looked at the
passenger and responded, "I get it! But like
I told already, you my
mother drives like this all the time!"
Again, the two guys ran
into another light. This time in was green. The
driver slammed
on his brakes and stopped the car completely. "What the
hell are
you doing?" The passenger screamed. "This is the third time
you
almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?"
The
driver replied, "That's my mom's car coming over there!"
- Personally, I like
to stay and read
the credits. When the last scene of Titanic faded to
black and
people began rushing for the exits, I shouted: "Quick! There
are only
enough cars in the parking lot for half of us!"
- Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who
is
appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following
advice:
The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is
directly
proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast
decreases one's
exposure.
One third of traffic accidents are caused
by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk
drivers.
Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.
- Police Officer: Why are you driving in a
bathing suit?
Motorist: I'm in a car pool.
- Police Officer: Why were you
speeding?
Women Driver: I was late for traffic school.
- Policeman:
Didn't you see that stop
sign?
Driver: I keep my eyes closed in traffic.
- Policeman:
Why were you
speeding?
Motorist: I was trying to get home before I ran out of
gas.
- Policeman: Are you going
to a
fire?
Motorist: No, I'm trying to prevent one. That's what my boss said
would happen if I were late again.
- Policeman: Did you realize you just
missed that bus with your car?
Motorist: Did you want me to hit
it?
- Policeman: Didn't you hear me
whistle at you?
Woman Driver: Sure, but I don't flirt when I drive.
- Policeman: Didn't you hear my
siren?
Motorist: Sure, that's why I sped up.
- Policeman: Didn't you see
the signs
with the speed limit?
Driver: I thought they were just
suggestions.
- Policeman: Didn't you see my
lights
flashing?
Motorist: No, I was going faster than the speed of
light.
- Policeman: Do you know
how fast you
were going?
Motorist: No, you're the one with the radar.
- Policeman: How can you drive so
recklessly?
Driver: I have to, this is a getaway car.
- Policeman: How can you say
you
don't have any outstanding tickets?
Driver: They're all in the glove
compartment.
- Policeman: I suppose
you're going
to tell me you weren't speeding.
Motorist: I was speeding all right,
but I was testing you to see if you
were paying attention.
- Policeman: I've had my eye on you for
some
time now.
Young Lady: That's funny. I thought you were
arresting me for
speeding.
- Policeman: What do you think you're
doing parking your car there?
Motorist: I thought it was good
place. It says "Safety
Zone."
- Policeman: What do you think you're
doing driving through that
intersection fifty miles an
hour?
Driver: My brakes don't work so I was rushing home before I had an
accident.
- Policeman: Why
didn't you obey that
stop sign?
Driver: I don't believe everything I read.
- Policeman: Why are you
driving
without a license?
Motorist: Because it was revoked months ago.
- Policeman: Why are you
driving that
car in circles?
Driver: I was just going for a little spin.
- Policeman: Why are you driving on the
sidewalk?
Motorist: It's too dangerous on the street.
- Policeman: Why did
you stop your
car, get out, and yell "coward" at the traffic signal?
Motorist: The
light just turned yellow.
- Policeman: Why did you
crash into
that stop sign?
Motorist: I was only following orders.
- Policeman: Why did you lead me on a
high-speed chase?
Motorist: Because you'd catch me on a slow
one.
- Policeman: Why did your car
just
spin around in circles?
Motorist: I was making a U-turn and changed my
mind.
- Policeman: Why didn't
you stop at
that red light?
Motorist: Then you would have caught up with me.
PAGE: [1] 2