children jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: children jokes
- "What
were you before you came to school,
boys and girls?" asked the teacher,
hoping that someone would say
"babies." She was disappointed when all
the children cried out,
"Happy!"
- 'Mum, there's a man at the door collecting
for the Old Folk's Home.
Shall I give him Grandma ?'
- 'Mum,' yelled Johnny from the kitchen,
'you know that dish you were
always worried that I would break
?'
'Yes dear, what about it ?'
'Well your worries are over.'
- 'Why are you crying, Ted ?' asked his
mum.
'Because my new sneakers hurt.'
'That's because you have put
them on the wrong feet.'
'But they are the only feet I have.'
- 'William, I've been told that you have
been fighting
with the boys next door,' said mum.
'yes, but they're twins, so I
wanted some way to tell the
apart.'
- 'You boy !' called a policeman.' Can you
help ? We're looking for a man with a huge red nose called
Cotters......'
'Really ?' said the boy. 'What're his ears called
?'
- A
schoolteacher was trying to teach her
six-year old class students how
to say the pledge of allegiance to
the flag. The schoolteacher said,
O.K. children begin by putting
your hand over your little heart and repeat
with me, I pledge
allegiance to the HOLD IT! HOLD IT! Johnny, why is
your hand over your butt
cheek instead of your heart? Johnny relied! I
can't. Teacher asks,
why not? Well you see, when my ant comes over to
pick me up and
pats my bottom and says, BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART!!!!!!
- A certain little boy had been spanked
by
his father one morning. When his dad came in from the office that
evening, the boy called out sulkily, ' Mum ! your husband's just come
home.'
- A certain little girl, when asked
her
name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother
told
her this was wrong, she must say,"I'm Janey Sugarbrown."
The
Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,"Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?"
With her mother standing just a few feet
away, the little girl replied,
"I thought I was, but Mommy says I'm
not."
- A father is asked by his
friend, "Has
your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he
wants to be a garbage collector," he replies
To this his friend
responds, "Strange ambition to have for a career."
"Well, he
thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
- A group of young children were siting in a circle with
their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"
"It goes moo."
"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
"It goes meow."
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
"It goes baaa."
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
"Errr.., it goes..
click!"
- A little
girl was next in line. 'My
name's Curtain,' she said.
'I hope your first name is not Agnate
?'
'No, it's velvet !'
- A little boy
went into a baker's' 'How
much are those cakes ? he asked
'Two for 25 cents,' said the
baker
' How much does one cost ?' asked the boy
'13 cents,'
said the baker
'Then I'll take the other one for 12 cents !' said
the boy
- A little boy came downstairs crying
late
one night. ' What's wrong ?' asked his mother. Do people really
come from dust, like they said in church ? he sobbed. 'In a way they
do,' said his mother. ' And when they die do the turn back to dust
?'.
'Yes, they do.' The little boy began to cry again. ' Well,
under my
bed there's someone either coming or going !'
- A little boy opened the big and old family
Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Then
something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at
it
closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in
between
pages.
"Mommy, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got
there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment
in the young boy's
voice he answered: "It's Adam's
clothes!!!!!"
- A little boy walked down the
aisle at a
wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two
steps,
then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride's
side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his
hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step,
step,
ROAR-all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the
crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by
the time he reached the
pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more
distressed from all
the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he
reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back
his tears and
said, "I was being the ring bear."
- A little girl was playing in the garden when
she
spied two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two
spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy long legs," her father answered.
"So, the
other one is a mommy long legs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her
father replied. "Both of them are daddy long legs."
The little
girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped
them
flat.
"Well, we're not having any of THAT in our garden."
- A little kid is sitting on a park bench
eating
abag of chocolates an old man walking by stops to say that if he
continues to eat like that he won`t live very long; indignantly the
kid says
" oh yeah my grandfather lived to be 104 years old" the
old man
replies "i'm sure he did kid.but it wasn`t from eating all
that chocolate
"oh no sir" says the kid, it was by minding his own
business !
- A man is walking down the street one day when
he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house
across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell
is too
high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for
some time,
the man moves closer to the boy's position.
He
steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow
and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and
gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the
childs level, the man smiles benevolently and
asks, "And now what, my
little man?"
The boy replies, "Now we run!"
- A man out for a walk
came across a little
boy pulling his cat's tail.
'Hey you!' he shouted, ' don't pull
the cat's tail !'
'I'm not pulling !' replied the little boy.
'I'm only holding on -
the cat's pulling !'
- A mother was reading a book about animals to
her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child:
"Moo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother:
"Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed
little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice
replied, "Bud."
- A mother was teaching her
3-year-old the
Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she
repeated it
after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The
mother
listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right
up
to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she
prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."
- A naughty child was
irritating all the
passengers on the flight from London to New York. At last
one man
could stand it no longer. "Hey kid," he shouted. "Why don't
you go
outside and play?"
- A precious little girl walks
into a pet
shop and asks in the sweetest
little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do
you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he
gets down on his knees, so that
he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby
or
maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet
python
weally gives a thit."
- A sweet little boy
surprised his
grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He
made it himself
and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the
verdict on the
quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life
had such
a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she
noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the
cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the
bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's
like on TV, 'The best
part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."
- A whole family was caught in
a small boat
during a sudden storm off the shores of Florida, but towed
to
safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S. Coast Guard.
"I
always knew God would take care of us," said the composed five
year
old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home.
"I like
to hear you say that," beamed the mother. "Always remember
that God
is in His heaven watching over us."
"Oh, I wasn't talking
about THAT God," the five year old
interrupted. "I was talking about
the COAST God."
- After the baby was baptized,
her
four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of
the car.
"What's the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother.
Johnny
replied: "that man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a
good Christian home...I just want her to stay with you guys."
- An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to
her parents that
Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?, " gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy,"
admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped
me catch him!"
- Andy was away from school for 2 days because
he
had a flu. On the third day when he went back to school, his
teacher
told him how he felt.
I feel with my hands Miss !
- As two boys
were passing the rectory, the
minister leaned over the wall and showed
them a ball.
"Is this
yours" he asked
"Did it do any damage" asked one of the boys
"No"
replied the minister
"Then it's mine !"
- Ben's dad was building a pine bookshelf and
Ben was watching and occasionally helping. ' What are the holes
for ?'
Ben asked.
'They're knot holes,' said his
dad.
'What are they, then, if they're not holes ?' asked Ben.
- Boy: Grandma, do you know how to
croak.
Grandma: No, I don't think so. Why? Boy: Because Daddy says
he'll
be a rich man when you do.
- Dick and
Jane were arguing furiously over
the breakfast table. ' Oh you're so
stupid!' shouted
Dick.
'Dick!' said their father, 'that's quite enough of that! Now say
you're sorry.'
'OK,' said Dick. 'Jane, I'm sorry you're
stupid.'
- Did
you hear about the boy who wanted to
run away to the circus ?
He ended up in a flea circus !
- Did you
hear about the boy who was known
as Fog ?
He was dense and wet !
- Did you hear about the two little boys who
found themselves in a modern art gallery by mistake ?
'Quick,'
said one, 'run ! Before they say we did it !
- Eddie's father called up to him, 'Eddie, if
you don't stop playing
that trumpet I think I'll go
crazy!'
Eddy replied, 'I think you are already, I stopped playing half an hour
ago.'
- Father: What did you learn in school today
?
Son: That three and three are seven.
Father: Three and three are
six !
Son: I guess I didn't learn anything today then !
- Father: You've
got 4 D's and a C on
your report.
Son: "Maybe I concentrated too much on the one subject
!"
- Fred: Where does the new kid come from?
Harry: Alaska.
Fred: Don't bother - I'll ask her myself.
- George knocked on the door of his friend's
house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, 'can Albert
come out
to play?'
'No, said the mother, 'it's too
cold.'
'Well, then,' said George, ' can his football come out to play
?'
- Grandma: You've left all your
crusts,
Mary. When I was your age I ate every one.
Mary: Do you still like
crusts, Grandma?
Grandma: Yes, I do.
Mary: Well, you can have
mine.
- I had a funny dream last night, Mom.
Did
you?
I dreamed I was awake, but when I woke up I found I was
asleep.
- Jennifer: Are you coming to my party
?
Sandra: No, I ain't.
Jennifer: Now, you know what Miss told us. Not
ain't. It's I am not
coming, he is not coming, she is not coming,
they are not coming.
Sandra: Blimey, ain't nobody coming ?
- John kept pestering his parents to buy a
video, but they said
they couldn't afford one. So one day John came
home clutching a
package containing a brand-new video.
'Where in
the World did you get the money to pay for that ?' asked
his
father suspiciously.
'It's OK, Dad,' replied John, 'I've traded the
TV in for
it.'
- Little
Johnny's class were on an outing
to their local police station where
they saw pictures, of the ten
most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin
board. On the way out of the
police station Little Johnny said to the
officer, "it was so nice of
you to put my daddy's picture up there."
- Little Johnny came home from school
with
a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble
telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please
sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny's mother
takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes
the
door.
"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse",
she said, so
Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
"O.K., now take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now take
off my bra", which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off
my panties". Johnny finishes
removing these too.
His mother
then says, "Johnny, please don't wear any of my clothes to
school
anymore!"
- Mandy was
applying for a summer
job.
'How old are you?' asked the owner of the store.
'I'm twelve
years old, Sir,' answered Mandy.
'And what do you expect to be when
you grow up ?'
'Twenty one, Sir.'
- Mary arrived home from
school covered in
spots. 'Whatever's the matter ?' asked her mother.
'I don't
know,' replied Mary, 'but the teacher thinks I may have
caught
decimals.'
- Mother:
Let me see your report
son.
Son: Here it is, Mother, but don't show it to Dad. He's been helping
me !
- Mother: Did you get a good place in the
geography test?
Fred: Yes, Mum, I sat next to the cleverest kid in
the class.
- Mother: I told you not eat cake
before
supper.
Daughter: But, Mum, it's part of my homework. 'If you take
an eighth
of a cake from a whole cake, how much is left.
- Mother: What do you mean, the school must be
haunted ?
Daughter: Well, the principal kept going on about the
school
spirit.
- Mrs Smith, the biology teacher, was very fond
of fish. She was also
rather deaf, which was great for the children
in her class.
"What Mrs Smith needs," said one of her colleagues,
"is a
herring-aid."
- Mum: From now on your going to have free
school dinners.
Son:But, Mum, I don't want three school dinners, one is
more than
enough !
- Mum: Haven't you finished filling the salt
shaker yet ?
Son: Not yet. It's really hard to get the salt through
all those
little holes !
- Mum: How can
you practice your trumpet
and listen to the radio at the same time ?
Son: Easy. I have two
ears!
- Mum: Jackie, go outside and play with your
whistle. Your father can't
read his paper.
Jackie: Wow, I'm only
eight and I can read it
- My granddaughter came to spend a few
weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through
a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped
back,
put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you
can do
all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"
- On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten
teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son
handed
her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I
bet I
know what it is - flowers!"
"That's right!" said the
boy, "but how did you know?"
"Just a wild guess," she
said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher
held
her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what
it is
- a box of candy!"
"That's right! But how did you
know?" asked the girl.
"Just a lucky guess," said the
teacher.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher
held
the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She
touched a
drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it
wine?" she
asked.
"No," the boy replied.
The teacher
repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage
to her
tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy
replied.
The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"
The boy
replied, "A puppy!"
- On the first day at school the girls were
sizing each other up and boasting, trying to make good impressions on
each
other.
'I come from a one-parent family,' said one little
girl proudly.
'That's nothing. Both my parents remarried after
they got divorced. I
come from a four parent family !'
- On the way to
preschool, the doctor had
left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her
little girl picked it
up and began playing with it.
'Be still, my heart,' thought my
friend, 'my daughter wants to
follow in my footsteps!' Then the
child spoke to the instrument: "Welcome
to McDonald's. May I take your
order?"
- Son to his father as they watch television:
"Dad, tell me again how when you were a kid you had to walk all the
way
across the room to change the channel."
- Teacher: "Why do we have a
Thanksgiving
holiday?"
Student: "So we know when to start Christmas shopping!"
- Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some
grass but you've only
drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all
the grass !
- The second grader was in bed with a cold and
high temperature. 'How high is it, Doctor?' she wanted to
know.
'One hundred and three,' said the doctor.
'What is the world
record?'
- The teacher asked Simon to say his name
backwards.
"No mis" he replied
- Trevor: That's a cool
pair of stockings
you have on Jill. One red and one green.
Jill: Yes, and I have
another pair just like it at home.
- Two boys camping out in a backyard wanted to
know the time, so they began singing at the top of their
voices.
Eventually one of the neighbours threw open his window and shouted
down
at them "Hey, less noise!, don't you know it's three o'clock
in the
morning!"
- Two girls were talking in the corridor.
'That
boy over there is getting on my nerves,' said Clarrie.
'But
he's not even looking at you,' replied Clara.
'That's what's
getting on my nerves,' retorted Clarrie.
- Tyler was
excited about his first day at
school. So excited in fact, that only a few
minutes after class
started, he realized that he desperately needed to
go to the bathroom.
So, Tyler raised his hand politely to ask if he
could be excused.
Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Tyler to be quick.
Five
minutes later Tyler returned, looking more desperate and
embarrassed. "I
can't find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat
Tyler down and drew him a little diagram to where he
should go and
asked him if he will be able to find it now. Tyler looked
at the
diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well, five minutes later he
returned to the class room and says to the
teacher, "I can't find
it." Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a
boy who has been at the
school for a while, to help him find the
bathroom.
So,
Tommy and Tyler go together and five minutes later they both return
r
and sit down at their seats.
The teacher asks Tommy, "Well,
did you find it?" Tommy is quick with
his reply, "Oh sure, he just
had his boxer shorts on
backwards."
- What's the matter son?
The boy next door
said I look just like you?
What did you say?
Nothing he's bigger
than me !
- Why did the
nutty kid throw a glass of
water out of the window?
He wanted to see a waterfall.
- Why did the nutty kid throw butter out
of
the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.
- Why was the lightning bug unhappy?
Because
her children were not very bright.
- Why was the mother flea
feeling down in
the dumps?
Because she thought her children were all going to the
dogs.
- Why were ancient Egyptian children
confused?
Because their daddies were mummies.
- Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose
father was the
stronger. Will said,' Well, you know the Pacific
Ocean ? My father's
the one who dug the hole for it.'
Bill wasn't
impressed, ' Well, that's nothing. You know the Dead Sea
? My
father's the one who killed it !
- Young
Vestal was walking in his Florida
backyard when an alligator bit him.
"Mama!" yelled the boy. "A
gator jus' bit off mah foot!"
"Which one?" called his mother
from inside the cabin.
"How the hell should Ah know?!" he
shrieked. "They all look alike to
me!"
- Young Jimmy was having a snack
after
school with his Gran. ' Would you like another cookie ?' she
asked.
'Yes, please,' replied Jimmy.
'What good manners you have,'
said his Gran. ' I do like to hear
young people say 'please' and
'thank you'.'
'I'll say them both if I can have a big piece of
that cake,' replied
Jimmy !
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