christmas jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: christmas jokes
- "Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas
tie?" "He said it was too tight."
- 'Father
Christmas has two reindeer. He
calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I
bet you can't tell me
why he does that!'
'Oh, yes I can.' the elf said.
'Because
tow 'Eds are better than one, of course!'
- 'Father Christmas has two
reindeer. He
calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can't tell
me
why he does that!'
'Oh, yes I can.' the elf said.
'Because
tow 'Eds are better than one, of course!'
- A football supporter's favourite
Christmas song?
'Yule never walk alone'
- A group of mountain
climbers once heard
Father Christmas go past.
They must have had sharp ears!
They
were mountain-ears!
- A rabbit's favourite Christmas
song?
'Lettuce with a gladsome mind'
- Can I have a broken drum for
Christmas?
The best thing you could have asked for. You can't beat it!
- Dear Father
Christmas, this Christmas
could you please send me a yellow door.
Yours, Sherlock
Holmes
Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes?
Lemon-entry my dear
watson.
- Dear Father Christmas, could you please
send me some Crocodile shoes!.
Father Christmas: Can't do that one.
He hasn't said what size his
crocodile takes!
- Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas
party ?
It was a scream !
- Did you hear about the stupid turkey?
It
was looking forward to Christmas!
- Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer
now
works for Proctor and Gamble?
Its true....Comet cleans
sinks!
- Doctor,
Doctor I'm scared of Father
Christmas
Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.
- Doctor, Doctor, Father Christmas gives us
oranges every Christmas. Now I think I'm turning into an
orange!
Have you tried playing squash?
- Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a
Christmas bell!
Just take these pills - and, if they don't work,
give me a ring!
- Doctor, Doctor, with all the excitement of
Christmas I can't sleep.
Try lying on the edge of your
bed...you'll soon drop off!
- ELF NO. 1: What did
Santa shout to his
toys on Christmas Eve?
ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone, sack time!!
- Elf: My favourite film is about the man who
casts spells in the middle of a swamp.
Father Christmas: That's
called 'The Wizard of Ooze'!
- ELF: Santa, one of the reindeer swallowed my
pencil! What
should I do?
SANTA: Use a pen.
- Father
Christmas: How do I stop a
Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge?
Gnome : Put a five pound note
between his teeth and stick his head over
the side of the
sledge.
- Father Christmas lost
his umbrella but
he didn't get wet! Why not?
Because it wasn't raining!
- Father Christmas win a saucepan in a
competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck !
- Father Christmas:
What's your favourite
Christmas story?
Elf: The one about the ghost that steals
porridge!
Father Christmas: You mean 'Ghoul-di-locks'!
- Father Christmas: All right, my good lady,
my face is my ticket.
Box office attendant: Then you'd better watch
out... there's a feller
inside who has the job of punching the
tickets.
- Father Christmas: Excuse me, but did I step
on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream?
Lady: You
certainly did!
Father Christmas: Oh good! That means I'm back in the
right
row!
- Father Christmas: I thought I asked you to
go out there and clear the snow!
I'm on my way, Father
Christmas.
Father Christmas: But you only have one welly on!
That's all
right! There's only one foot of snow!
- Father Christmas: What's your
favourite
Christmas story?
Elf: The one where the three creatures are scared
of the Big Bad Wolf
and they grow on trees!
Father Christmas: You
mean 'The Three Little Figs'.
- Father Christmas:I
like the story about
the girl who steals from the rich and gives it all to
Granny.
Elf: That's Little Red Robin Hood'!
- How did the chickens dance at the Christmas
party ?
Chick to chick !
- How do sheep greet each other at Christmas
?
A merry Christmas to ewe
- How do sheep in Mexico say
Merry
Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
- How do you make a slow reindeer fast
?
Don't feed it !
- How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With
his North Pole-aroid.
- How long does it take to burn a candle down
?
About a wick !
- How many chimney does Father Christmas go
down ?
Stacks !
- How to cats greet each other at
Christmas ?
"A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year" !
- I remember when Father Christmas first
passed his
sleigh-driving test. He came skidding down in front of the
toy factory.'Have
you passed?' I asked.
Father Christmas pointly
proudly to the front of the sleigh. 'See for
yourself!' he called
proudly. 'No-el plates!'
- I wouldn't say
Christmas gnomes are
ugly,
But if beauty's skin deep then they were was born inside
out!
- I wouldn't say Christmas gnomes are
small.
But they used to be lumberjacks on a mushroom farm!
- I wouldn't say that Christmas gnomes are
cross-eyed,
but when they cry the tears run down their back!
- I've had a slight
accident with your
sleigh, Father Christmas!
Father Christmas: Oh no! That sleigh was in
mint condition!
That's all right....now it's a mint with a
hole!
- If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child,
what would
he be called?
A subordinate claus.
- It was Christmas
eve, and Santa was
really busy making his list and checking it twice, when
there came a
knock at the door. His wife comes in. "Honey, where do
you want me to
put your boots and gloves?" Well, Santa is very busy and
so he's
slightly annoyed by this trivial question, so he snaps at her,
"Put
them by the front door, and stop bothering me. I'm trying to get
some work done."
He starts back to work, but a few minutes later
an elf barges in.
"Santa, we got all the toys wrapped, what should
we do with them?" Santa
snaps, "Stick 'em in the sleigh! Can't
you see I'm trying to get
ready? I don't want any more
interruptions!"
But sure enough, as soon as he starts back to work, there
is another
interruption. An angel, standing at the door, says,
"Santa, I have your
Christmas tree. Where would you like me to put it?"
And this is where we get the tradition of placing an ange
l on top of
the Christmas tree.
- JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa
Claus?
MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
- Last year's Christmas pudding was so
awful I threw it in the ocean.
That's probably why the ocean's full
of currants!
- Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No
you can have turkey like everyone else !
- My problem is that I
keep stealing
things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me
something for
it!
Doctor: Try this medicine...and if it doesn't work come back and
bring
me a new video camera.
- Once upon a time there was a little girl who
wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldn't buy a kitten
and
parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before
Christmas
and gave it to the little girl.
'You're getting
your Christmas present a week early this year,' her
mother
explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten.
'Is that what
you want?'
The little girl said, 'It's wonderful,
mother...just what I wanted.
There's just one thing wrong!'
'What's that?' her mother asked.
'Well, it has a cute little claw
on the outside of every paw and
another little claw on the inside
of every paw - but the poor little thing
has no claws at all in the
middle of its paws!'
Her mother smiled. 'Don't worry, Kitty.
When you wake up on Christmas
morning you'll find the claws are
there.'
Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worrie
d about the claws in
the middle of its paws. The days passed and
there wasn't even a hint, a
clue or an inkling of claws in the
middle of its paws.
When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still
no sign, Kitty went to
her mother and asked again, 'Are you
absolutely sure that the kitten
will have its middle claws tomorrow?
There's only a few hours to go and
there's not a hint or clue or an
inkling as to claws as far as I can
see.'
'Wait till you
wake up on Christmas morning,' her mother smiled and
went on
stuffing the turkey.
So Kitty went to sleep a worried girl. When she
woke up on Christmas
morning she ignored the presents in her
stocking and rushed downstairs to
look at her little kitten.
She
was astounded, amazed and just a little surprised to see that her
kitten had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if
by magic.
Kitty rushed to her parent's bedroom. 'Mummy
, Mummy! The kitten has
grown its middle claws!'
'Of
course it has,' her mother grinned.
'But how did you know?'
Kitty demanded.
Her father rolled over sleepily and sighed, 'Oh,
Kitty, everybody
knows that Centre-claws always comes at
Christmas!'
- One time Father Christmas lost his
underpants.
That's how he got the name Saint Knickerless!
- Someone
bought Scrooge a clock for
Christmas. He put it straight in the bank.
Why did he do that?
He was
trying to save time!
- What bird has wings but cannot
fly
?
Roast turkey !
- What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold.
- What did Adam say on the day before
Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !
- What did Dracula say at the Christmas party
?
Fancy a bite ?
- What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they
were looking out their front
window?
"Looks like rein dear"
- What did the bald man say when he got
a
comb for Christmas ?
Thanks, I'll never part with it !
- What did the big cracker
say to the
little cracker ?
My pop is bigger than yours !
- What do
you get if you cross Father
Christmas with a detective ?
Santa Clues !
- What do gnomes fear
most about
Christmas?
They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!
- What do monkeys sing at Christmas ?
Jungle
Bells, Jungle bells.. !
- What do vampires put on their turkey at
Christmas ?
Grave-y !
- What do you call a letter sent up the
chimney
on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !
- What do you call a man who claps at
Christmas
?
Santapplause !
- What do you get hanging from Father
Christmas' roof?
Tired arms!
- What do you get if you
cross an apple
with a Christmas tree ?
A pineapple !
- What do you get if you deep fry Santa
Claus?
Crisp Cringle.
- What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.
- What do you give a train driver for
Christmas
?
Platform shoes !
- What do you have in December that you don't
have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !
- What does Dracula write on his Christmas
cards ?
Best vicious of the season
- What does Father Christmas
call that
reindeer with no eyes?
No-eyed-deer!
- What does Father Christmas call his money
?
Iced lolly ?
- What does Father Christmas suffer from if he
gets
stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !
- What does Santa say when he is sick?
OH
OH NO!
- What game do reindeer play in their
stalls?
Stable-tennis!
- What happens to you at Christmas ?
Yule
be happy !
- What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mooooory Christmas!
- What is the difference between the Christmas
alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has
NO EL.
- What nationality is Santa Claus?
North
Polish.
- What reindeer can jump higher than a
house?
They all can! Houses can't jump!
- What song do Father Christmas' gnomes sing
to him when he comes home cold on Christmas night?
Freeze a
jolly good fellow!
- What was so good about he
neurotic doll
the girl was given for Christmas?
It was wound up already.
- What was wrong with the boy's
brand new
toy electric train set he
received for Christmas?
Forty feet of
track - all straight!
- What's a ghosts favourite Christmas
entertainment ?
A phantomime !
- What's a hairdressers's favourite
Christmas song?
'Oh comb all ye faithful'
- What's Christmas called in England
?
Yule Britannia !
- What's fat and jolly and runs on eight
wheels?
Father Christmas on roller skates!
- What's Father Christmas
called when he
takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !
- What's Scrooge's favourite Christmas
game?
Mean-opoly.
- What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas
song?
Jungle bells.
- What's the most popular wine at
Christmas?
"I don't like sprouts!"
- Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas
cake ?
Your teeth !
- Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind
his
manners the most?
"Rude"olph
- Who brings the Christmas presents to
police stations?
Santa Clues.
- Who delievers cat's Christmas
presents
?
Santa Paws !
- Who delievers elephants's Christmas
presents?
Elephanta Claus !
- Who delivers presents to baby sharks at
Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !
- Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The
turkey - he's always stuffed !
- Who made this Christmas pudding?
Our
chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool.
What did he use
to make it?
Elf-raising flour, of course.
- Who sings "Love me tender", and makes
Christmas
toys?
Santa's little Elvis.
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