clinton jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: clinton jokes
- A bus filled with politicians was
driving
through the
countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus
driver,
caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and
crashes
into the ditch.
A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash
and
rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the
politicians
he buries them.
The next day, the police come to the farm to
question the
man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the
police
officer. "Were they all dead?"
The farmer answered, "Some
said they weren't, but you
know how politicians lie."
- Bill Clinton
is writing his memoirs.
They're called "The Johnson Years".
- Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner
for lunch.
As they read the menu the waitress comes over and
askes Clinton,
"Are you ready to order?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd
like a quickie."
"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given
the current
situation of your personal life I don't think that is a
good idea.
I'll come back when you are ready to order from the
menu."
She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's
pronounced Quiche."
- Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one
class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a
"tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers "If my best
friend who lives next
door was playing in the street when a car came
along and killed him,
that would be a tragedy."
"No," Clinton
says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her
hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove
off a cliff,
killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid
not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a
GREAT
LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.
"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there any one here who
can give me an
example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy
in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says:
"If an
airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a
bomb, T
HAT would be tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous!
And can you tell me WHY that
would be a tragedy?"
"Well,"
says the boy, "because it couldn't be an accident, and it
certainly
would be no great loss!"
- Clinton goes around telling people we humans
are genetically 99.9% similar.
Apparently the 0.1% is the
character gene.
- During a recent publicity outing, Hillary
sneaked off
to visit a
fortune teller of some local repute. In a
dark and hazy room,
peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered
grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be
blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a
violent and
horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary
stared at the woman's lined face, then at
the single flickering candle,
then down at her hands. She took a
few deep breaths to compose
herself. She simply had to know. She
met the fortune teller's gaze,
steadied her voice, and asked her
question:
"Will I be
acquitted?"
- Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the
House
Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a
car
together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and
whirls them up into the
air and tosses them thousands
of yards away. They all fall into a
daze.
When they come to and extract themselves from
the
vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide
to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The
Wizard is known for granting
people their wishes.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard
for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for
a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
- Hillary Clinton goes to
her doctor for a
physical, only to find out
that she's pregnant! She is furious. Here
just became the senator of
New York and this has happened to her.
She gets Bill on the phone and
immediately starts screaming: "How
could you have let this happen?
With all that's going on right now,
you go and get me pregnant! How
could you??!!! I can't believe this!
I just found out I am five weeks
pregnant and it is all your
fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have
you got to say???"
There is
nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams
again, "Did you hear
me??!!" Finally she hears Bill's very, very
quiet voice. In a
barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is
this?"
- How did Bill and Hillary Clinton first
meet?
They were both dating the same girl in high school.
- If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood
and
Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one
would
win?
Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that
harass is one
word.
- In a survey of American
women, when asked,
"Would you sleep
with President Clinton?" 86% replied, "Not
again"
- Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton
were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one
day,
they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas.
It
seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high
school love.
They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around
Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you
would
be the wife of a service station owner today."
She
smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be
President of the United States."
- One day there
were these three boys
walking down
the street, all of a sudden they heard a yell: 'HELP!
HELP!'
When the boys got to the noise they saw Bill
Clinton in a
lake drowning. The three boys saved
him from drowning. Bill Clinton
asks the first
boy how he could ever repay him. The boy said,
'I
want a boat.'
The second boy said 'I want a truck.'
And the
third boy said, 'I want three tombstones with are
names all on
them.' Bill Clinton said, 'why is that son?'
The little boy said,
'because when my Dad finds out that we
saved you, he is going to kill
us all!'
- One night Bill Clinton was
awakened by
George Washington's ghost in the
White House. "George, what is the
best thing I could do to help the
country?" Clinton asked.
"Set an
honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
The
next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark
bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the
country?"
Clinton asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,"
advised Tom.
Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet
another figure
moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.
"Abe, what is
the
best thing I could do to help the country?"
Clinton asked.
Abe replied, "Go to the theater."
- President
Clinton, returning from a
campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to
board
Air Force
One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip --
a live
razorback. At
the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a
Marine sergeant, who
issues a crisp salute.
"I'd salute you back,
Sergeant," says the President, "but as you
can see, I've got my
hands
full."
"Yes, sir," replies the sergeant. "Very nice pigs,
sir. Very nice
pigs."
"Why, these aren't pigs," the President
responds. "These are
RAZORBACKS!"
"Yes, sir -- razorbacks. Sorry,
sir."
"Yup," Clinton continues. "Got this one for Chelsea, and this
one
for Hillary."
The sergeant replies: "Very good trade, sir --
very good trade."
- President Clinton to maid: Mam, can you do
something about Hillary's room.
She complains that it's the
ugliest room in the White House. Maid:
Yes,
Mr. President--I'll
remove the mirrors right away.
- Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an
improper relationship
with
Monica Lewinsky?
Pres: Improper? ...
Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of
the the sweetest
interns I've ever had.
- Q. What do you
get when you cross a
crooked
politician with a dishonest lawyer?
A. Chelsea Clinton
- Q:
How did Bill and Hillary Clinton
meet?
A: They were dating the same girl in high school.
- Q:
How many Clinton administration
officials does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Two--one to screw
the bulb into the water faucet while the other
tells us that
everything possible is being done to help the
situation.
- Q:
What did Boris Yelstin say when asked
if meeting Clinton made want to
convert Russia to the type of
government they have in America?
A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife
run the country!!"
- Q:
What will Bill's favorite retail
outlet be after his economic
blueprint takes effect?
A: Everything's
$100.
- Q:
What's the difference between Bill
Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a
military mission.
- Q:
What's the difference between Bill
Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired
him.
- Q:
When will there be a woman in the White
House?
A: When Hillary leaves town.
- Q:
Why did Bill go out to sea on an
aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.
- Q:
Why does Chelsea look so stupid and
ugly?
A: Heredity.
- Q:
Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle
child?
A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
- Q: Bill, Hillary, and Al are in a boat. The
boat sinks.
Who is saved?
A: The United States of America.
- Q: Did you
hear they put two new faces on
Mt. Rushmore?
A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
- Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new
car to commemorate President Clinton's election?
A: It's gonna
be called the Dodge Drafter!
- Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air
Force 1 remodeled?
A: Now it's got two left wings.
- Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat
can
play Chess?
A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good
at Chess.
The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three
games to
two.
- Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton
alike?
A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on
grass.
- Q: How can
you tell Bill Clinton apart from
a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.
- Q: How can you identify a
computer that
has been in use at the Clinton White House?
A: There is White-out on
the screen.
- Q: How can you tell
when Bill Clinton is
lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the
answer to this
one.
- Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch
of dead bodies?
A: He's the stiff one.
- Q: How can you tell that the guy
who
attacked the White house with a plane was insane? A: He seems to
have
thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night. Q: What did
Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
A: "You idiot! I
told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!
- Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is
telling a lie by
looking at his face?
A: If his lips are moving, then
he's lying.
- Q: How can you tell when Clinton is
ready
for battle [in Bosnia]?
A: He's got his jogging suit on.
- Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his
neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.
- Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to
hurt you"?
A: "Trust me."
- Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away
from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy
over to give her a ride.
- Q: How has Clinton made his
cabinet look
more like America?
A: Many of them have sixth grade reading
levels.
- Q: How is Clinton's
health care reform a
lot like his haircut?
A: It is a lot more expensive than it
looks.
- Q: How many Bill Clintons
does it take to
change a lightbulb?
A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel
your pain", and gets
congress to pass a billion dollar light
security bill, and blames
Republicans and special interests for not
making lightbulbs free.
- Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to
change a lightbulb?
A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than
anyone else and one to
obscure the issues.
- Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to
change
a lightbulb?
A: None--He'll only promise "change."
- Q: How many Clinton White House officials does
it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They like to keep him in
the dark!
- Q: How many Hillary Clintons
does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: One--she just holds the bulb and the
world revolves around her.
- Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped
together off
the Washington monument, who'd land first?
A: Who cares!
- Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al
Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be
saved?
A: The United States of America!
- Q: If called to
testify in a trial how
long will it before before Clinton commits
perjury?
A: When he's
sworn in.
- Q: What
happened when Bill Clinton got a
shot of testosterone?
A: He turned into Hillary!
- Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters
does
Hillary most resemble?
A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.
- Q: What do Bill Clinton
and a fifteen-watt
light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.
- Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in
common?
A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.
- Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked
lawyer with a
crooked politician?
A: Chelsea.
- Q: What does Bill Clinton
have in common
with former great Presidents?
A: Absolutely nothing.
- Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?
A:
Runs away from the draft.
- Q: What does Clinton have in common with his
Hollywood pals?
A: They all make a living by lying to people.
- Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill
Clinton wishes he did?
A: A dead girlfriend.
- Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court
decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?
A: If you divorce your
wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?
- Q: What has Clinton done that no one has
been able to do in the last 5 years?
A: Unite the Republican
Party.
- Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands
of small businesses?
A: Take thousands of big businesses and
wait four years.
- Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands
of small businesses?
A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait
four years.
- Q: What is the best thing that ever came out
of Arkansas?
A: Highway 55.
- Q: What is the difference
between Dan
Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
- Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton
and Elvis?
A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the
Army.
- Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton
and Jimmy Carter?
A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the
inauguration to break his
promises.
- Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton
and Jimmy Carter?
A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the
inauguration to break his
promises.
- Q: What is the first thing that President
Clinton
says after waking up?
A: "Good morning, Bill."
- Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best
in?
A: Handcuffs.
- Q: What kind of neckwear
does Hillary
Clinton look best in?
A: A noose.
- Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's
college
visit to Moscow?
A: To study economics.
- Q: What were Bill and
Chelsea Clinton
doing in the voting booth?
A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in
Civics, how to ruin the
people!
- Q: What's Clinton doing to
make Americans
happy?
A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left
to feed
your family--you're happy.
- Q: What's Clinton's favorite
baseball
team?
A: The Dodgers.
- Q: What's the best place to photograph
Clinton
Administration officials?
A: A police lineup.
- Q: What's the difference
between Bill
Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired
him.
- Q: What's the difference between Bill
Clinton and a container of yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.
- Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton
and David Koresh?
A: Koresh only burned 85 people.
- Q: What's the difference between Hillary
Clinton
and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a
briefcase.
- Q: What's the differents between
Bill
Clinton and an elephant?
A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.
- Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure
that
he had political ambitions?
A: When he married outside of his
family.
- Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if
the President died?
A: Bill Clinton of course!
- Q: Why
are people in Arkansas having
peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving
this year?
A: Because
they're sending their turkey to the White House!
- Q: Why
did Bill Clinton cross the
road?
A: To tax the chicken.
- Q: Why
doesn't Bill like old
houses?
A: He's afraid of the draft.
- Q: Why are people in
Arkansas having
peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Reagan ate all the
jellybeans.
- Q: Why are people in Arkansas
having
peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: They've been
having turkey for years.
- Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut
butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they
can't afford any more pork.
- Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers
given coffee
breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
- Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation
of character suit against his critics?
A: Because Bill Clinton
has no character to defame.
- Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a
private
school?
A: If they sent her to a public school, the
secret service would be
out-gunned!
- Q: Why did Bill Clinton
cross the
road?
A: To meet the chick.
- Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site
for his summit with Yeltsin?
A: So he could look up some college
buddies who moved up there during
the war.
- Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site
for his summit with
Yeltsin?
A: So he could look up some college
buddies who moved up there during
the war.
- Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military
action in Bosnia?
A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.
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