college jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: college jokes
- "Did you hear? Lament's gettin' a
Ph.D."
"What does Ph.D. stand for?"
"in his case, Pin-headed Dope."
- "Now my motto in
life," said the school
chaplain, "is work hard, play hard and pray
hard. How about you,
Harriet?"
"My motto is let bygones be bygones."
"That's good. Why
did you choose that?"
"Then I wouldn't have to take any history
classes!"
- "Professor, I hear your wife has had twins.
Boys or girls?"
"Well, I believe one is a girl and one is a boy
but it may be the
other way around."
- "Where are my shoes?" asked the Iowa State
professor as the class ended.
"They're on your feet," said one of
the students.
"So they are," said the professor. "It's a good
thing you saw them,
or I would have gone home without them!"
- A
Mississippi professor was at a party and
became indignant when asked if
college professors were
absent-minded.
"Professors haven't got bad memories," he declared.
"They're not
absent-minded. Don't you think I know where I am right now,
and don't
you think tomorrow I'll know where I was last night?
Would somebody
like to ask me another question?"
"Yes," said
another guest. "Is it true that professors are
absent-minded and
have bad memories?"
"Good!" said the professor. "I knew sooner or
later somebody would
ask me that question."
- A college friend was going to meet a young
lady he new.
"An old flame? I asked.
He winked and said, "More like
an unlit match."
- A college student in a philosophy class was
taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single
line which simply said: "Is this a
question?" - Discuss.
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an
answer."
The student received an "A" on the exam.
A
Boston brokerage house advertised for a "young Harvard graduate or
the
equivalent."
Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale
grad. He said, "Do
you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part
time?"
- A college student in a philosophy class was
taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single
line which simply said: "Is this a
question?" - Discuss.
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an
answer."
The student received an "A" on the exam.
A
Boston brokerage house advertised for a "young Harvard graduate or
the
equivalent."
Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale
grad. He said, "Do
you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part
time?"
- A college student was in a
philosophy
class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor
presented the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?"
Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again,
nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody
spoke for the third
time, he simply stated, "Then there is no
God."
One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to
reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor
granted
it, and the student stood up and asked the following
questions of his
classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our
professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched
our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen
our professor's brain?"
When nobody in the class dared to
speak, the student concluded, "Then,
according to our professor'
s logic, it must be true that our professor
has no
brain!"
You can't argue with that!
- A kid called up his
mom from his college
and asked her for some money, because he ran out
of it. His mom
said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll will send you some money.
You also left
your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do
you want me
to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, okay," responded the
kid.
So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package
and
went to the post office to mail the money and the
book.
When she gets back, her husband asked, "Well how much did you give the
boy his time?"
She said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20
and the other for $1000
out to him."
"That's $1020!" yelled
her husband. Are you crazy?"
"Don't worry, Hon," she said. "I
taped the $20 check to the cover
of his book, but I put the $1000
one somewhere between the pages in
chapter 19!"
- A linguistics professor was lecturing to his
English
class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative
forms a
positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double
negative is
still a negative. However, there is no language wherein
a double positive
can form a negative." A voice from the back of
the room piped up,
"Yeah, right."
- A somewhat advanced society has figured
how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some
learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills
are
available.
The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for
English literature."
The student takes the pill and swallows it and
has new knowledge about
English literature!
"What else do
you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history,
biology, and world history,"
replies the pharmacist.
The
student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge
about
those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for
math?"
The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment." He goes back into
the
storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on
the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires
the student.
The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know ... mat
h always was a little
hard to swallow."
- A son is
calling his mom from college, and
telling her that he had just got his
degree. The mother says:
That's great honey! What kind of degree? And the
son, almost squealing
with excitement says: The best one ever, a
Celsius degree!
- A survey was being taken on the University of
Arizona campus.
The survey taker asked a soccer player,
"What do you think of
bilingualism?"
"Oh, I think it's okay,"
said the boy, "if it's between consenting
adults."
- After the college boy delivered
the pizza
to Bud's trailer house, Bud asked, "What is the usual
tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the
other
guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing
great."
"Is that so?" snorted Bud. "Well, just to show them how wrong they
are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll
put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying?" asked
Bud.
The lad smiled and said, "Applied psychology."
- All the fraternity brothers left the
house
for a long weekend except for Grady, who decided to stay behind and
get some studying done.
One night Grady heard a noise under
his bed.
Fearing it might be a burglar, he leaned over and
whispered, "Anybody
there?"
"No," said the burglar.
"That's funny," the boy said to himself. "I could have sworn I
heard a
noise!"
- An angel appears at a faculty
meeting and
tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and
exemplary
behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite
wealth,
wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite
wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of
smoke and a bolt
of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the
dean, who sits surrounded by a faint
halo of light. At length, one
of his colleagues whispers, "Say
something."
The dean sighs
and says, "I should have taken the money."
- An applicant was being interviewed for
admission
to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the
interviewer,
"where do you expect to be ten years from now?"
"Well,
let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon.
I guess
I'll be on the golf course by now."
- And then there was the UCLA professor
who
opened up his vest, pulled out his tie and wet his pants.
- Arvil was coming out of the Texas University
student building when he
was stopped by two coeds.
"Would
you like to become a Jehovah's Witness?" asked one of the
girls.
"No, I really couldn't. I didn't see the accident."
- Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon?
Student:
When you can't get your jeans over your thighs.
- Biddle and Payne, two elderly English
professors, were
having lunch in the cafeteria.
During the course
of the conversation, Biddle said,
"A student gave me a peculiar
answer in class today. I asked who wrote
the Merchant of Venice and
a sophomore said, "Please, sir, it wasn't
me!"
"Ha, ha!"
laughed Payne. "And I suppose the little snot had done it
all
along!"
- College meals
are generally unpopular with
those who have to eat them and sometimes
with good reason. "What
kind of pie do you call this?" asked one
student
indignantly.
"What's it taste like?" asked the cook."
"Glue!"
"Then it's apple
pie the plum pie tastes like soap."
- Did you
hear about the Western Kentucky
professor who kissed the door goodbye and
slammed his wife as he went
by?
- Did you hear about the
Louisiana Tech
professor who stood in front of a mirror for two hours,
wondering where
he'd seen himself before?
- Did you hear about the Penn State professor
who
went around in a revolving door for six hours because he
couldn't
remember whether he was going in or coming out?
- Did you hear about the UCLA track
star who
won a gold medal?
He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.
- Did you hear about the University of Miami
fullback who stayed up all night studying for his urine test?
- Higginbote and Goldstein, Fordham freshmen,
were discussing what kind of work would supply mem with big bucks
after
graduation.
"Well, I've always thought I'd like to be
a doctor," said
Higginbote. "Specialize in something or other. Like
obstetrics, maybe."
"Obstetrics?" scoffed Goldstein. "At the
rate science is going,
you'd no sooner learn all about it when
bingo! somebody'd find a cure for
it."
- How can you
tell if a California State
coed is a good cook?
She can get the pop tart out of the toaster in
one piece.
- How can you tell a Minnesota hockey fan?
Ask him what color the blue line is and wait. It may take him ten
minutes to answer.
- How do
you measure a Villanova graduate's
I.Q.?
With a tire gauge.
- How do you get a Texas Tech senior's eyes to
sparkle?
Shine a flashlight in his ears.
- How do you know a Brigham
Young student's
been mowing the lawn?
The welcome mat is destroyed.
- How does a New York University psychology
major turn on
his lights in the morning?
By opening the car
door.
- How many Buckeye
football players does it
take to change a lightbulb?
One. But he gets three hours credit.
- How many Wake Forest
fraternity brothers
does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Seventeen. One to do it
and sixteen to shell the M&M's.
- Jeb and Eudell, University of
Michigan
athletes, were driving from Ann Arbor to Cleveland. Just outside
the
city limits they saw a sign: "CLEAN REST ROOMS." By the time they
got to Cleveland, they'd cleaned 147 Johns.
- Mrs. McKenzie was showing Corbett, the
contractor,
through the second floor of her new house to show him what
colors to paint
the rooms. "I'd like the bathroom done in white!"
Corbett walked over to the window and shouted, "Green up! Green
up!"
"I want the bedroom in blue!" continued the woman.
The contractor listened and yelled out the window, "Green up! Green
up!"
"The halls should be done in beige!" she instructed.
Again, the man
barked out the window, "Green up! Green up!"
"Will you stop that?!" shouted the woman. "Every time I give you a
color, all you do is shout 'Green up!' What the devil does that
mean?"
'Tm real sorry, ma'am!" explained Corbett. "But I got three
Oklahoma basketball players down there tryin' to put in the front
lawn!"
- On what kind of ships do students
study?
Scholarships.
- Optimist: A college student who opens his
wallet
and expects to find money.
- Professor:
A wise man doubts everything.
Only a pin-head is positive.
Student: Are you sure of
that, sir?
Professor: Positive.
- Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet!
Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket?
Professor Yes, but
I thought it was mine!
- Professor: I forgot to take
my umbrella
this morning.
Wife: When did you first miss it, dear?
Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had
stopped.
- Q. How many law professors does it take to
change a light
bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the
research grant.
- Q: How
many graduate students does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take him/her more
than five years to do
it.
- Q: What do college students and deer have in
common?
A: They both stand in the middle of the road and stare at
your
headlights.
- Soderling, the star college halfback, was
taking a math exam.
The coach desperately needed him to play in
the Syracuse game on
Saturday, so the professor agreed to give him
an oral exam.
"All right," said the prof. "How many degrees are
there in a
circle?"
"Uh, depends," said the boy. "How big
is that there circle?"
- Tad answered the Tennessee State frat house
phone.
"Hi," said the voice, "this is Rollie. Come on over,
we're having a
real wildass party."
"Shit, Ah'd shore love
to," said Tad, "but Ah got me a bad case of
gonorrhea."
"Bring it along!" answered Rollie. "The way thangs is goin', mah
buddies'll drink anythin'!"
- Teenage Driver: But,
officer, I'm a
college man.
Policeman: Sorry, but ignorance is no excuse.
- The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for
all male students, so too
the male dormitory to the female
students. Anybody caught breaking this
rule will be fined $20 the first
time. Anybody caught breaking this
rule the second time will be fined
$60. Being caught a third time will
incur a hefty fine of $180. Are
there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd
inquires, "Er... How much for a
season pass?"
- There was the Florida State defensive tackle
who thought Hertz Van Rentals was a famous Dutch painter.
- Three students from Michigan State, the
University of Kentucky and Texas A & M on summer vacation in France were
caught
smuggling cocaine and sentenced to death by guillotine. The
judge
turned to the boy from Michigan and asked, "Do you have any
final words,
son?"
"Yeah, drop dead!" snapped the Wolverine.
Hearing this, the judge signaled for the sentence to be carried
out.
The executioner pulled the lever, and as the crowd gaped in
astonishment,
the giant blade came to a screeching halt three inches
from the
victim's throat.
"It's God's will! Let him go!"
cried the judge.
Next the fella from U. of Kentucky was put on
the block, and the judge
asked again, "And what are your final
remarks, my boy?"
"Go to hell!" shouted the student, and the judge
signaled. The
razor-sharp blade fell and miraculously stopped just
a quarter inch from the
condemned boy's neck. "It's the wi
ll of God!" exclaimed the judge.
"Set him free!"
Finally
the Texan was put into position. "Before you're beheaded,"
said the
judge, "do you have any last words?"
"Yeh!" replied the Aggie.
"If y'all will just put a little more
grease on them grooves, the
blade'll come down a whole lot
easier!"
- Tipton and Baldwin shared a room on the North
Carolina campus.
One day Tipton came in and said to his
roommate, "I hear there's a
new case of herpes in the dorm."
"Great!" said Baldwin. "I was getting tired of 7-Up!"
- Two
college students, Frank and Matt, are
riding on a New York City subway when
a beggar approaches them
asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in
disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a
couples of
singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a
smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the
other
passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend's act of
generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank.
"You know he's
only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we weren't?"
- Two Kentucky psychology majors were walking
through the campus. "Do you consider a 1441.Q. high?" "Yes!" "For the
whole basketball team?"
- Two storks are
sitting in their nest: a
father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is
crying and crying and
father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't
worry, son. Your mother
will come back. She's only bringing people babies
and making them
happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job.
Mother and son are
sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and
mother is saying,
"Son, your father will be back as soon as
possible, but now he's
bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A
few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son has
been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and
the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby
stork says, "No where. Just scaring the hell out of college
students!"
- What do they call a bunch of Mississippi
football
players standing in a circle holding hands?
A dope ring.
- What do you
call ten Utah State law
students standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
- What do you get if you cross a student and an
alien ?
Something from another universe -ity !
- What do you get when you
cross a Texas
Aggie with an ape?
A retarded ape.
- What does the N on the Nebraska
football
helmet stand for?
"Nowledge."
- What is a Furman freshman doing when he grasps
at thin air?
Collecting his thoughts.
- What is the second stupidest thing in the
world?
An Arkansas architectural student out in the middle of the
ocean trying
to build a foundation for a house.
What is the
stupidest thing in the world?
An Arkansas contractor trying to
build a house on the
foundation.
- What's the difference between an American
student and
an English student ?
About 3000 miles !
- Why did the Oregon State psychology
major
climb up the chain link fence?
To see what was on the other
side.
- Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher
stay awake every night?
He was trying to find a cure for
insomnia.
- Why do University of
Arkansas graduates
tape their diplomas to the windshields of their cars?
So they can park
in handicapped spaces.
- Why don't Purdue athletes
eat pickles?
They can't get their heads in the jar.
- Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your
college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well, if you like your
Dean
as much as I like my Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth
shut. I
knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my
true feelings,
so I remained silent for the last four
years.
But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the
Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a
ribbon).
Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch
what I REALLY
thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I
looked her
straight in the eye.
"Hey Bitch," I said.
"You're so damn ugly, you could practice birth
control just by leaving
the lights on!"
And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I
gotta tell you that
it felt just as good as I had imagined it would
for the last four years.
Today, I unwrapped my diploma, fr
amed it, and hung it in the living
room, where it proudly exclaims
to the world: "In order to receive your
diploma, please present
this certificate to the Dean of your college
after final grades have
been posted!"
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