computer jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: computer jokes
- "Do you turn on your computer with your left
hand
or your right hand?"
" My right hand."
" Amazing!Most
people have to use the on/off switch."
- "This
little computer," said the sales
clerk, "will do half of your job for
you."
Studying the
machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take
two."
- - Why do you think I spend too much
time
at my computer?
- Well, dear... Every time I ask you to close
the windows you answer
with "Please wait while your computer shuts
down"...
- ..... Ya see, we
at Microsoft believe in
making computing easier! What could be easier
for consumers than
having only ONE choice of software?!?
- A
system programmer came home from work
almost at dawn and told his wife
enthusiastically: "Tonight I have
installed a new release of MVS/ESA
together with VM/CMS and
CICS/VS".
"G.O.O.D" answered his wife.
- A
tech support employee once received a
call from a disgruntled lady who
had purchase one of their PCs.
"The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put
it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all
over
me! I want a replacement!"
The employee was a little
confused and didn't know what to say. He
finally asked her to
describe the cup holder to him...he'd never heard of
his company
selling in-computer cup holders.
So the lady went on to describe the
cup holder to him. "Well, it pops
out of the little box when I push
a button, and it has 40x written on
it..."
- A
technician received a call from a
customer who was enraged because his computer
had told him he was "bad
and invalid". The tech explained that the
computer's "bad" and
"invalid" responses shouldn't be taken
personally.
- A caller, perplexed that his new desktop
computer--the one that was
supposed to do everything short of bringing
on world peace - was doing
nothing, cried out for help. No problem,
the IBM technician said. First,
open a "window" to launch a
specific program. The conversation
continued, and the caller asked a few
moments later if it might be all right
to close the window. Why, the
IBM technician asked. Because, the caller
responded, it was getting
very chilly.
- A confused caller was having troubles printing
documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that
it
''could not find the printer.'' The user had even tried
turning the
computer screen to face the printerbut his computer still
could not
'see' the printer.
- A customer
needed help setting up a new
program, so the technician suggested he go
to the local Egghead.
"Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the man
said. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I
thought you meant for me
to find a couple of geeks."
- A customer called
to complain that his
keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by
filling up his tub
with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day,
then he
removed all the keys and washed them individually.
- A customer called to say he couldn't get his
computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the
technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by
holding it in front of the screen and pressing the "send" key.
- A customer was asked to send a
copy of her
defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a
letter
arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her
diskettes.
- A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer
scientist
were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the
world. The doctor
remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God
created Eve from a rib
taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so
I can rightly claim
that mine is the oldest profession in the
world."
The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in
the book
of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the
heavens and the
earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and
certainly the most
spectacular application of civil engineering.
Therefore, fair doctor,
you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession
in the world."
The computer scientist leaned back in his chair,
smiled, and said
confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the
chaos?
- A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next
to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans
over
to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The
Programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and rolls over
to the window to catch a few winks.
The
Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot
of
fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know
the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the Programmer politely
declines and tries to get to sleep.The
Engineer, now somewhat
agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if
I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"
This catches the
Programmer's attention, and he sees no end to this
torment unless
he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Engineer asks the
firs
t question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Programmer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls
out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Engineer.
Now,
it's the Programmer's turn. He asks the Engineer "What goes up
a
hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The Engineer
looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his
laptop computer
and searches all of his references. He taps into the
Airphone with
his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.
After
about an hour, he wakes the Programmer and hands him $50. The
Programmer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to
sleep.
The Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the
Programmer and asks
"Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a
word, the Programmer reaches into his wallet, hands the
Engineer
a $5 bill, and turns away to get back to sleep.
- A person turned on the computer without a
keyboard plugged in.
When she turns on the computer, the
computer finds out that there is no
keyboard attached and it gives a
"Keyboard Error" message.
She then asks "Why did it give me a
keyboard error?
There isn't even a keyboard attached?
- A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill
Gates, the
Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together
traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot came running
back to the passengers and announced
that lightning had hit the
plane, and they were going to crash in a
matter of minutes. "There are
only enough parachutes for four of the five
of us," he announced.
"Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After
saying this, the pilot
grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's
greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon.
"This world needs
great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then
grabbed a
parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smarest man in the
world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world
needs smart men, so I must also
live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute
and jumped out of the
plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long
life
compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will
go down with
the plane."
"You don't have to stay here! The
world's smartest man jumped out of
the plane with my backpack."
- A programmer was walking along the beach when
he found a lamp.
Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated
"I am the most
powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any
wish you want, but only one
wish."
The programmer pulled out a
map of the Mediterranean area and said
"I'd like there to be a
just and last peace among the people in the
middle east."
The
genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been
fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this
is beyond my limits."
The programmer then said, "Well, I am a
programmer and my programs
have a lot of users. Please make all the
users satisfied with my programs,
and let them ask sensible
changes"
Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."
- A ragged individual stranded for several months
on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day
noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.
Rushing to
the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands
withdrew the
message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read,
"we regretfully have found it
necessary to cancel your e-mail
account."
- A Software Engineer, a
Hardware Engineer and a Branch
Manager were on their way to a meeting.
They were driving down a
steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes
on their car failed. The
car careened almost out of control down the
road, bouncing off the
crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a
halt scraping
along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but
unhurt, now
had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a
car with
no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the Branch
Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a
Vision, formulate a Mission
Statement, define some Goals, and by a
process of Continuous
Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems,
and we can be on our
way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far
too long,
and besides, that method has never worked before. I
've got my Swiss
Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can
strip down the car's
braking system, isolate the fault, fix it,
and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer,
"Before we do anything, I think
we should push the car back up the
road and see if it happens
again."
- A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a
Branch
Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving
down a steep
mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car
failed. The car careened
almost out of control down the road, bouncing
off the crash barriers,
until it miraculously ground to a halt
scraping along the mountainside.
The car's occupants, shaken but
unhurt, now had a problem: they were
stuck halfway down a mountain in a
car with no brakes. What were they to
do?
"I know," said the
Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a
Vision, formulate
a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a
process of
Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems,
and we
can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That
will take far too long,
and besides, that method has never worked
before. I've got my Swiss
Army knife with me, and in no time a
t all I can strip down the car's
braking system, isolate the
fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software
Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think
we should push the car
back up the road and see if it happens
again."
- A software verifier read in the Bible
that
God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He
jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain,
and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I
never knew I was THAT clever!"
- A technician advised his customer to put his
troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer
put the disk in, asked
the tech to hold on, and was heard putting
the phone down, getting up
and closing the door to his room.
- A technician received a call from a man
complaining that the
system wouldn't read word processing files from his
old diskettes. After
trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed
to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the
diskettes then rolled them
into his typewriter to type the
labels.
- After a caller gave a technician her PC's
serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and
responded,
"I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say
another
word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When
the
customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right.
The caller
responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would
have telephoned
in my bathrobe."
- After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady
repute, the luckless
customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it
in to find it Dead On
Arrival.
Naturally, after checking the
usual things, he called the dealer and
explained his problem. First
question from Deviously Evasive Dealer:
"Did you check to see
whether the power was on?"
"Of course."
DED: "Did you open
the cover and check whether any of the boards had
shaken loose in
shipping?"
"Of course."
DED: Then why are you calling
me?"
"Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of
warranty,"
pleaded the frustrated purchaser.
"Of course there
is," replied the DED, "But you voided the warranty
when you opened
the cover."
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley:
LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
- An exasperated caller to Tech Support
couldn't get her new
computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her
response "I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happens."
The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
computer's mouse.
- An office technician got a call from a
user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She
described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to
be
brought in and serviced.
He told her to "Unplug the power
cord and bring it up here and I will
fix it."
About fifteen
minutes later she shows up at his door with the power
cord in her
hand.
- Another customer called Tech Support to say
her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
unit,
plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something
to
happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power
switch, she
asked "What power switch?"
- As most technophiles are aware, there are
special programs to run scanners. These programs use a TWAIN driver to
perform the scanning. TWAIN, the acronym, stands for "Technology
Without
An Interesting Name."
- Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself
face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill,
I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not
sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped
society
enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in
America, yet you
also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other
indiscretions. I
believe I'll do something I've never done before;
I'll let you decide
where you want to go."
Bill pushed up
his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you
briefly
explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly
puzzled, God
said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places
briefly,
then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first,
Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a
moment, then looked back at
God and said, "I think I'll try Hell f
irst." So, with a flash of
lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill
Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked
around. It was a beautiful
and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy
beaches and tall mountains, clear
skies, pristine water, and beautiful
women frolicking about. A smile
came across Bill's face as he took
in a deep breath of the clean air.
"This is great," he thought, "if
this is Hell, I can't wait to see
heaven."
Within seconds
of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud
of smoke
appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high
above the
clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps
and
singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill
thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands
around his mouth and yelled for God
and Bill Gates was sent to Hell
for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on t
he late billionaire to see
how he was progressing in Hell. When he
got there, he found Bill Gates
shackled to a wall in a dark cave
amid bone thin men and tongues of fire,
being burned and tortured by
demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill
responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and
disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first
time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other
place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful
women?
"That was the demo," replied God.
- Comments made
by Programmers when their
programs don't work:
Strange...
I've never heard about that.
It did work yesterday.
Well, the program needs some fixing.
How is this possible?
The machine seems to be broken.
Has the
operating system been updated?
The user has made an error again.
There is something wrong in your test data.
I have not touched that
module!
Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
You must have the
wrong executable.
Oh, it's just a feature.
I'm almost ready.
Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
It will be done
in no time at all.
It's just some unlucky coincidence.
I can't
test everything!
THIS can't do THAT.
Didn't I fix it already?
It's already there, but it has not been tested.
It works, but
it's not been tested.
Somebody must have changed my code.
There must be a virus in the application software.
Even though i
t does not work, how does it feel?
How come you didn't find it
during the system testing?
It's a setup problem.
And the
Ultimate:
A smart user would never do that!
- Computer
helpline?
Everytime I log onto
the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes
snow white....
- Computers are not intelligent.
They only
think they are.
- Computers make very fast, very accurate
mistakes.
- Computers manufacturer is considering changing
the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the
flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
- Customer:
"How do I print my
voicemail?"
- Customer: "Hi, I'm
supposed to pack [zip]
my database and send it to you. What should I
pack it in?"
- Customer: "I'm running Windows '95."
Tech: "Yes."
Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
Tech:
"Yes, you said that."
- Customer: "I've been doing risk analysis by
hand for
five years, and we finally got your program so we could do
it
automatically -- but there's a bug in it. The answers come out
differently each
time."
Tech Support: "Sir, are you aware that
our program uses Monte-Carlo
analysis?"
Customer: "Of course I
am. That's why I bought it."
Tech Support: "Sir, do you know what
Monte-Carlo analysis does?"
Customer: "Don't get rude with me, of
course I do."
Tech Support: "Put briefly, sir, it runs through your
project several
times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it
averages out the
results."
Customer: "I know all that -- what I
want to know is why it keeps
giving me different answers every time
I run it."
- Customer: "It says I've performed an
illegal operation and will be shut down. Have I done something
wrong?"
- Customer: "My disk is stuck in my disk drive.
Clicking eject
doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Ok, turn the
power to your Mac off, hold down the mouse
clicker, and power the Mac
back up."
Customer: "Look, I don't have three hands!"
- Customer: "Wait, that
password looks
really gray. I'm going to type it in again."
- Customer: "Why didn't you tell me I have
call waiting?"
Tech Support: "Sir, we have no way of knowing if you
have call
waiting."
Customer: "Well, you should ask everybody!"
Tech Support: "Do you have call waiting?"
Customer: "What's
that?"
- Customer: I think I've got a bug in my
computer.
Repairman: Does your computer make a humming noise?
Customer:
Yes.
Repairman: Then it must be a humbug!
- Dear Boss,
I hope I haven't misunderstood
your instructions. Because to be
honest, boss, none of this Y to K
dates problem makes any sense to me.
At any rate I have finished
converting all the months on all the
company calendars so that the
year 2000 is ready to go with the following
improved months:
Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.
In addition, I have changed the days of
the week, and they are now:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak,
Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.
Is it enough, or should I change any
other Y to K? I am a fan of the
New York Yankees. Should I call
them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K
ready?
- Dear God: Yesterday was an awful day for
me...
My husband ran off with his secretary,
My son pierced
his eyebrow,
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her
head,
My dog mated with the neighbors cat,
My neighbor sold her
house to a mental institution,
My Mom told me I was
adopted,
My Dad told me he's gay,
My boss told me I was laid
off,
My sister was arrested for prostitution,
My house has
termites,
My car was stolen,
All that came in the mail was
bills,
A plane, crash landed on my garage,
OJ Simpson came to my
door selling rug cleaner,
And my TV blew.
Lord, please be
with me today.
I was able to live through all that misery
yesterday.
And I will be able to make it through anything today! But
please....
DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY
COMPUTER!!!!!
AMENA programmer enters an elevator, wanting to go to the 12th
floor.
So, he pushes 1, then he pushes 2, and starts looking for
the
Enter....
- Doctor, doctor, I
keep thinking I'm a
laptop computer.
You're just run down, let me give you some
vitamins.
No, thanks. But I could do with some new batteries.
- Doctor, doctor, I keep
thinking I'm a
computer.
My goodness, you'd better come to my surgery right
away!
I can't, my power cable won't reach that far.
- Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in
an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says:
"You're all part of our
team now. You can earn good money here, and
you can go to the company
canteen for something to eat. So don't
trouble the other employees."
The cannibals promise not to trouble
the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says:
"You're all working very
hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of
you. One of our cleaners has
disappeared however. Do any of you
know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of
the missing cleaner. After the
boss has left, the leader of the
cannibals says to the others: "Which
of you idiots ate the
cleaner?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
says:
"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders,
Managers, and
Project Managers so no-one would notice anything,
and you have to go
and eat the cleaner!"
- Got this email from a friend:
CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?
- Helpline? I've just pushed a
piece of
bacon into my disk drive!
Has the computer stopped working?
No, but
there's a lot of crackling.
- How do you keep a programmer in the shower
all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse,
repeat."
- How do you stop your laptop batteries from
running out?
Hide their trainers.
- How many
IBM employees does it take to
change a light bulb?
Fifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document
number GC7500439-001,
Multitasking Incadescent Source System
Facility, of which 10% of the
pages state only "This page intentionally
left blank".
- How many
technical writers does it take to
change a light bulb?
Just one, provided there's a programmer around
to explain how to do
it.
- How many C++ programmers does it take to
change a light
bulb?
"You're still thinking procedurally! A properly
designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a
generic light bulb
class!"
- How many Java programmers does it take to
change a light bulb?
One, to generate a "ChangeLightBulb" event to the
socket.
- How many maintenance programmers does it take
to change a light bulb?
None. They try to fix the old
one.
"We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying
to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait
two months?"
- I heard that
if you play the Windows NT
4.0 CD backwards, you'll get a satanic
message. But the most
frightening thing is that if you play it forward, it
installs NT 4.0!
- I overheard a woman in a
computer store
say to the sales assistant "I want a game capable of holding
the
interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for
his
father to play, too."
- I've been on my computer all night!
Don't
you think you'd be more comfortable on a bed like everyone
else?
- I've been sitting at this computer for hours
and I haven't seen a
single website.
That's because you're
supposed to sit facing the screen.
- If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a
Windows box crashed...
Oh, wait a minute, he already does.
- If Microsoft built cars you would need to
restart your car,
then it would perform illegal operations and
crash.
- Jesus and Satan got into an
argument over
which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally
God got
tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a
contest
between them. They each had four hours to write the best program
they could, and then God would decide the winner.
Well, they both
got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines
and lines of
code. But just before the four hours were up there was a
flash of
lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights
flickered, the
power faltered, and both computer screens went dead.
When power
was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see
the
results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed
the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture
and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures
--
all kinds of bells and whistles.
God asked Satan wha
t he had created, but Satan said, "I've got
nothing, absolutely
nothing. My program was twice as good as that, but I lost
it all
when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he
still
have such a great program?"
God replied, "Everybody knows --
Jesus Saves."
- Many people in computer labs will assure
you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they were doing everything
correctly, and it still wasn't working, only to make you get up from your
nice
comfy seat to walk over to the other side of the room and do
it
yourself. Invariably, after it works the first time for you, the
response is,
"THAT'S WHAT I TYPED THE FIRST TIME!" Obviously
not.
- Me: "What is that noise?"
Customer: "Hey
Martinez!! I'm on the phone! Cut it out!"
Me: "What was that?"
Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Customer: "It's from a device."
Me: "What kind of device?"
Customer: "I don't know."
Me:
"Like a fax machine or something?"
Customer: "I don't know. Someone
is under house arrest or
something."
- Mum, Mum,
Dad's broken my
computer!
How did he do that?
I dropped it on his head.
- My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a
bit ANSI.
- My computer made a funny sound the other
day.
Of course, I've never heard it get thrown out a window before.
- Once a programmer drowned in the sea.
Many
Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was
shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
- One guy was on duty in the main lab
on a
quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one
of
the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring
at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was
still in the same
position only now she was impatiently tapping her
foot.
He asked if she needed help and she replied, It's about
time! I pushed
the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!
- One of Microsoft's finest
technicans was
drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he
was given
some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots
at the
target. The report came from the target area that all attempts
had
completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his
rifle, and then at the target. He looked
at the rifle again, and then at
the target again. He put his finger over
the end of the rifle
barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other
hand. The end of his
finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the
target area,
"It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at
your end!"
- Pupil: In other schools, pupils get a
choice of computers to use.
Teacher: You get a choice her, too. Use the
one we've got or don't
use any at all.
- Q.
What creature has the best aptitude for
engineering ?
A. The spider -- It has its own website.
- Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house?
A.
He uses "windows".
- Q:
How many Microsoft executives does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation
and have therefore made no
provision for light bulbs to be
removed.
- Q: Complete the following word analogy:
Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to: 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4)
On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.
- Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?
A: He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.
- Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world
revolve around him.
- Q: How many Microsoft support
staff does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the
registration number of the light
bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried
rebooting it?", another to ask "Have
you tried reinstalling it?" and
the last one to say "It must be your
hardware because the light bulb
in our office works fine..."
- Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close
enough for non-technical people.
- Q: How many programmers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: None, that's a hardware problem.
- Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the
Pentium's
floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of
chocolates..." (Source: F. Gump of
Intel)
- Q: What do you call a series of FDIV
instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.
- Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC
with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.
- Q: What does a proud computer call his
little son?
A: A microchip off the old block.
- Q: What happens if you cross a
midget and
a computer?
A: You get a short circut.
- Q: What is the difference between Windows 95
and Windows 98?
A: 3 years
- Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside"
sticker they put on Pentiums?
A: The warning label.
- Q: What's the
best way to accelerate a
Mac?
A: 9.81 m/s2
- Q: What's the
difference between a car
salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car
salesman can probably
drive!
- Q: Which way did the programmer go?
A: He
went DATA way!
- Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the
586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
585.999983605.
- Redmond,
WA --Microsoft announced today
that the official release date for the
new operating system "Windows
2000" will be delayed until the second
quarter of 1901.
- Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help
you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with
WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all
of a sudden the words went
away."
"Went away?"
"They
disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like
now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept
anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you
get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on
the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you
move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor,
I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
"Does your
monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a
monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't
know."
"Well then, look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I
think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into
the wall."
"... ...Yes, it
is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
"... ...Okay, here it is."
"Follow it
for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your
computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see
if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on
something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have
the right angle - it's because
it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming i
n
from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light
then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a
power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing
stuff your computer came
in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the
closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
you bought it
from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes,
I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I
tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
- Student: "Would it be possible to
install
Arabic language support on those computers?"
Computer Teacher: "In
order to use Arabic language in Windows, you
must install an Arabic
graphic card. So I don't think we could do
that."
- Teacher: Look at the state of the school
computer. I want that screen cleaned so I can see my face in
it!
Pupil: But then it will crack and we won't be able to use it at
all.
- Teacher: Shall I put the school computer
on?
Pupil: No, Miss, the dress you're wearing looks fine.
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