criminal jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: criminal jokes
- "Dad," said Fred to his father, who was a
bank robber. "I need $50 for the school trip tomorrow."
"OK, son,"
said his dad, "I'll get you the cash when the bank
closes."
- "What makes you think the
prisoner was
drunk?" asked the judge. "Well, Your Honor," replied the
arresting
officer, "I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with
it,
and when I asked him what it was for he said, 'I want to listen to
it on my record-player!' "
- 'It's a pity
you've gone on hunger
strike,' said the convict's girlfriend on
visiting day. 'Why ?'
'I've put a file in your cake.'
- A
mafioso's son sits at his desk writing
a Christmas list to Jesus. He first
writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I
have been a good boy the whole year, so I
want a new..." He looks at
it, then crumples it up into a ball and
throws it away.
He
gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I
have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He
again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets
an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue
of the
Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes
another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want
to
see your mother again..."
- A boy is in a prison cell with no windows and
no doors: there are no holes in the ceiling or trapdoors in the
floor,
yet in the morning the jailers find him gone. How did he get
out ?
Through the doorway - there were no doors remember !
- A computer geek goes to prison
for fraud,
they put him in a cell with a 300LB guy,
Having heard what
happens to geeks in prison and being nervous he
figures he had better
introduce himself, He extends his hand and says with a
quivering
voice, Hi my name is John Smith.
The big guy who actually is a nice
guy extends his and says my name is
Turner Brown.
The geek
passes out.
The big guy fans him and brings him too.
Why
did you pass out he asked?
The geek replies, what did you say
your name was?
Turner Brown he replies.
Oh God the geek
says I thought you said "TURN AROUND".
- A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was
about to be
executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the
chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my
hand?"
- A police officer was escorting a
prisoner
to jail when his hat blew off.
"Shall I run and get it for you?"
asked the prisoner obligingly.
"You must think I'm daft," said the
officer.
"You stand here and I'll get it."
- A prisoner at
the Edmonton Max started
training a large fly to do tricks.
For years, for thousands of
hours, he worked with the insect. It
learned to walk across a miniature
high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike,
balance on a pair of stilts
and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.
"When you and I get
out of here," the jailbird said to the fly.
"we're going to tour
the nightspots and make a fortune."
Finally the day arrived. Fly
safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside
its matchbox home), the
ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.
At the bar, he
brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started
moonwalking. "What about
this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender.
In one swift motion, the
bartender reached for his copy of the
newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN,
rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty
swipe.
"Glad
you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are
eve
rywhere."
- A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in
the
same car...
Who is driving the car?
A police officer!
- A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to
steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the
shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you
say I
just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
The
manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the
slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can
you show me something less expensive?"
- A stupid bank robber rushed into a bank,
pointed two fingers at
the clerk and said, "This is a muck up!"
"Don't you mean a stick up?" asked the girl.
"No," said the robber,
"it's a muckup. I've forgotten my
gun."
- A woman woke her husband in the middle of the
night. "There's a
burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made
this morning."
"Who shall I call," her husband asked, "police or
ambulance?"
- An English
prisoner of war was held by
the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over
the place, and okay
until one day when the German told him,
"Englander,your arm is
infected with gangrene vee must cut it off."
The English prisoner
said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over
England when you go
bombing?"
The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem."
A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to
cut
his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it
over
England like you did last time?"
"Ya, that vill be done,"
says the German.
The next day the German tells him that they
have to cut his leg off.
Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you
do the same as before?"
The German replies, "Vhy, ya."
The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well,"
begins the Brit, "could you just..."
The German snapped
, "No! We think you are trying to escape!"
- Bill: Where did you
get that gold watch
Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race.
Bill: How many people participated
in it?
Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!!
- Criminal: Why don't you hire these twins for
the robbery, boss?
Criminal Boss: I'm afraid of a
double-cross.
- Detective: Do you think
I should put on
the cuffs?
Criminal: Why? You look good in short sleeves.
- Detective: How did you
get into
counterfeiting?
Criminal: I answered an ad that said, "Make money at
home."
- Detective: Why did you dump those vegetables
on my desk?
Criminal: You said it was time to spill the beans.
- Did you hear about the burglar who fell in
the
cement mixer?
Now he's a hardened criminal.
- Did you hear about the calendar thief?
He
got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!
- Fred: We had a burglary last night, and they
took everything except the
soap and towels.
Harry: The dirty
crooks.
- How do bank robbers send messages?
By flee
mail!
- I think I hear burglars, dear. Are you awake?
No!
- If you crossed a gangster and a garbage man,
what would
you have?
Organised grime (crime).
- It was
Rocky's first night in the
penitentiary. All of the inmates were in
their cells and he was trying to
become a bit more comfortable with his
meager surroundings. As he
leaned against the bars at the front of his
cell, Rocky heard a voice
call out "44" and the whole cell block
erupted
into laughter!
Another voice called "16" and again there was
laughter. A
third
voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the
block.
Rocky didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell
wall.
"Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next
door.
"What's going on, here?" asked Rocky.
"Well," said the
other inmate, "down in the prison library there's
only one
joke
book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste
time
telling the joke, we just call out it's number."
So the
next day Rocky went down to the library and, sure enough, found
r
the
yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to
cover. That
night,
wanting to be part of the group, Rocky
confidently called out "44"
and
everyone laughed! He tried calling "16"
and "62" and again there
were peals
of laughter. Then he called
57, and the halls rang with laughter.
After several minutes, one
prisoner was still rolling on the floor
laughing.
More minutes -
still laughing. Rocky rapped on the cell wall. "Yeah,
waddaya want?"
asked the other inmate.
"I don't understand it," asked Rocky,
"Why is Bill still
laughing?"
"Well," said the gruff inmate,
"He never heard that one
before!"
- Judge: Tell me your occupation.
Prisoner;
I'm a locksmith, Your Honour.
Judge: Then what were you doing in a
jewellery shop in the middle of
the night when the police saw you?
Prisoner; Making a bolt for the door!
- Judge: Why did you steal
that bird?
Prisoner: For a lark, sir.
- Judge: You claim you robbed the grocery
store because you were starving. So why didn't you take the food
instead
of the cash out of the till?
Burglar: Your Honour! I'm a
proud man, sir, and I make it a rule to
pay for everything I eat.
- Knock Knock
Who's there !
Burglar
!
Burglar who ?
Burglars don't knock !
- Late one
night, a burglar broke into a
house he thought was empty. He tiptoed
through the living room but
suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a
loud voice say,
"Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the
house, so the burglar
crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the
voice boomed
again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird
cage and in
the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you
who said
Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar
breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's
your
name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot,"
sneered the burglar. "What idiot
named you Clarence?"
The parrot said,
"The same idiot who named the Rottweiller
Jesus."
- Newsflash: Two criminals have escaped from
prison today. One is
orange and 9ft tall, and the other green and
yellow and 2ft Gin tall.
The police are searching high and low for
them.
- Policeman: Did you
know your vehicle was
reported stolen?
Criminal: It wasn't when I took it.
- Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to
prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his
fellow
inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good
person and made
arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his
time. After
three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best
carpenters in the local
area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to
do odd jobs for the
citizens of the community.... and he always
reported back to prison before
Sunday night was over.
The
warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done
much
of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of
kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job
for
him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh,
I'd really like
to help you but counter fitting is what got
me into prison in the first
place".
- Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to
prison. During his stay, he
got along well with the guards and all his
fellow inmates. The warden saw
that deep down, Andy was a good
person and made arrangements for Andy
to learn a trade while doing his
time. After three years, Andy was
recognized as one of the best
carpenters in the local area. Often he would
be given a weekend pass
to do odd jobs for the citizens of the
community.... and he always
reported back to prison before Sunday night was
over.
The
warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done
much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of
kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his
wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the
job
for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden,
Gosh, I'd really like to
help you but counter fitting is what go
t me into prison in the first
place.
- t was Christmas and the judge was in a merry
mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged
with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the
defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this
shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
- The criminal mastermind found one of his
gang sawing the legs off his bed. "What are you doing that for?"
demanded the crook boss. "Only doing what you ordered," said the stupid
thug. "You told me to lie low for a bit!"
- Two men,
sentenced to die in the electric
chair on the same day were led down to
the room in which they would
meet their maker. The priest had given the
last rites, the formal
speech had been given by the warden, and a final
prayer had been
said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the
first man,
solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To
which the man
replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you
please play
The Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the
warden. He turned to the other man and
asked, "Well, what about you,
son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned
man, "kill me first."
- Two small time thieves had been sent by the
Big Boss to
steal a van load of goods from a bathroom suppliers. One
stayed in the
van as look out and the other went into the
storeroom. Fifteen minutes
went by, then half an hour, then an hour, and no
sign of him. The look
out finally grew impatient and went to look
for his partner. Inside the
store the two came face to face. "Where
have you been?" demanded the
worried look out. "The boss told me to
take a bath, but I couldn't
find the soap and a towel."
- Victim (to mugger): But my watch isn't any
good, it only has sentimental value.
Mugger: That's all right.
I'm sentimental.
- What did the
burglar say to the lady who
caught him stealing her silver?
I'm at your service, ma'am.
- What did the burglar say to the
watchmaker as he tied him up?
Sorry to take so much of your valuable
time.
- What diploma do criminals get?
The third
degree.
- What do you call a mayfly with a criminal
tendencies ?
Baddy long legs !
- What do you call a robbery in China ?
A
Chinese take away !
- What do you get if you cross a bunch of
flowers
with a burglar ?
Robbery with violets !
- What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a
prisoner ?
A Kong - vict !
- What hired killer never goes to jail?
The
exterminator.
- What is the difference between a thief and a
church
bell?
One steals from the people, the other peals, from
the steeple.
- What kind of party do prisoners in jail
like most of all.
A going-away party.
- What kind of robbery is not dangerous?
A
safe robbery.
- What kind of thief steals meat?
A
hamburglar.
- What stars go to jail?
Shooting stars.
- What three letters in the alphabet frighten
criminals?
F.B.I.
- What was the parrot doing in prison ?
It
was a jail-bird !
- What's another
word for a murderer who
kills old ladies?
A Killergran.
- When did the criminal get smart?
When the
judge threw the book at him.
- When the school was broken into, the
thieves took absolutely everything - desks, books, blackboards,
everything apart from the soap in the lavatories and all the towels.
The
police are looking for a pair of dirty criminals.
- Who is the
biggest gangster in the sea
?
Al Caprawn !
- Who is the strongest thief?
A
shoplifter.
- Who was the world's greatest thief
?
Atlas, because he held up the whole world !
- Why are burglars such good tennis players
?
Because they spend such a lot of their time in courts !
- Why did the burglar take a shower?
He
wanted to make a clean getaway
- Why do pens get sent to
prison ? To do
long sentences !
- Why do they put a suicide watch on death row
prisoners? Why
would you care if a man you're planning to kill
anyway, kills himself?
Does it spoil the fun?
I also think
about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day
before his
execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a
hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed
him.
Apparently, just to anger him.
- Why is a sinking ship like a
person in
jail?
Because it needs bailing out.
- Why was the robber bionic?
He was holding
up a bank.
- Why was the robber so secure?
He was a
safe robber.
- Why would someone in jail want to catch the
measles?
So he could break out.
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