dead and dying jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: dead and dying jokes
- "Do you
believe in life after
death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir," the new
employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine,"
the boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your
grandmother's funeral, she
stopped in to see you."
- "Why are you crying Fred?" asked the
teacher. "
'Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in Wisk. .
."
"Fred," said the teacher. "You must have known that Wisk's bad
for
parrots."
"Oh it wasn't the Wisk that killed it, sir. It
was the tumble
drier."
- A chap went up to the counter in the
library
and said, "Have you got any books about committing
suicide?"
The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on
the
middle shelf."
The chap came back a few moments later and
said, "I can't find any at
all."
The librarian replied,
"Yes, it's awful. They never bring 'em
back!"
- A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher
were
sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from
his cell
and as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Avalanche!" The
soldiers
panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The
shopkeeper was led
out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted
"Flood!" and escaped. The
teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim
and the teacher,
remenbering how the other two had escaped, shouted
"Fire!"
- A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal
raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has
left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He
sees the
cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As
he reaches
for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks
his and she
yells:
"No, you can't have those! They're for the
funeral!"
- A man
is calling on his best friend
to pay a condolence call the day after the
friend's wife has died.
When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to
go in
and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house,
the man
discovers his friend in the living room kissing a
mate.
"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!!" His friend
looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm
doing?"
- A man is fibbing
away about how
great things are in his country. Finally, he starts
describing the
tall buildings in his country.
"There is a building so tall, it
took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall
off it!"
"Oh, my God!"
says his friend. "Surely he must have died!"
"Of course. He was
without food or water for 3 days!"
- A man was sitting in the electric
chair. The executioner said, "Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to
throw the switch in a minute."
The man said, "Do me a favor and
throw it out the window!"
- A monster and a zombie went
into
the undertaker's. "I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of
mine
who has just died," said the monster. "Certainly, sir," said the
undertaker, "but there was really no need to bring him with you."
- A monster and a zombie went into a
funeral home. 'I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who
has
just died,' said the monster.
'Certainly ma'am,' said the
undertaker, 'but there was really no
need to bring her with
you.'
- A Packer fan was enjoying himself at
the game in a packed Lambeau Field,
until he noticed an empty seat
down in front. He went down and asked
the
guy next to it if he
knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes,
that's
my wife's
seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days,
but
now
my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was
really
too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so
they
could
enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said,
"they're all at
the funeral."
- A woman goes into a funeral home to make
arrangements
for her
husband's funeral. She tells the director
that she wants her husband
to be buried in a dark blue
suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black
suit
that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit
and gives him a blank
check to buy one.
When she comes back
for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin
and he is wearing a
beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how
much she loves the
suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't
cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left,
another corpse was brought in, this one
wearing a blue suit. I noticed
that they were about the same size, and
asked the other widow if she
would mind if her husband were buried in
a black suit. She said that
was fine with her. So... I switched the
heads."
- A woman goes into the local newspaper
office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is
published. After
the editor informs her that the fee for the
obituary is 50
cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well,
then,
let it read 'Fred Brown died'."
Confounded at the
woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there
is a 7-word minimum for
all obituaries. The woman pauses again,
counts on her fingers and
replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown
died: 1983 Pick-up for
sale'."
- An English guy was very ill and his son
went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to
breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last
ounce
of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping
the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of
his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it
thinking it
might be something he could recite during the service. It
said:
YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!
- At the inquest
into her husband's
death by food poisoning Mrs Wally was asked by the
coroner if she
could remember her husband's last words.
"Yes," she replied. "He
said 'I don't know how that shop can make
a profit from selling
this salmon at only 20 cents a tin..."
- Did you
hear about the undertaker
who buried someone in the wrong place and was
sacked for the grave
mistake?
- Did you hear about the do-it-yourself
funeral?
They just loosen the earth and you sink down by
yourself.
- Did you hear about the man
who left
his job at the mortuary?
It was a dead end job.
- Did you hear about the two men who were
cremated at the same time?
It was a dead heat.
- Did you hear someone has invented a
coffin that just covers the head?
It's for people like you who're
dead from the neck up!
- Doctor, doctor, I feel dead from the
waist down.
I'll arrange for you to be halfburied.
- Doctor, doctor, I'm at death's door!
Don't worry, Mrs Jenkins. An operation will soon pull you
through.
- First ghoul: You don't look too well
today.
Second ghoul: No, I'm dead on my feet.
- How do you make a Venetian
blind?
Poke him in the eye
- I was so sorry
to hear you buried
your mother last week.
Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.
- I've been e-mailing William
Shakespeare.
William Shakespeare's dead, silly.
No wonder he hasn't
replied.
- If a man was born in England, raised in
America and died in Spain, what does that make him?
Dead.
- If a woman is born in Italy, grows up
in
England, goes to America and dies in Baltimore, what is
she?
Dead.
- My brother's a professional boxer.
Heavyweight ?
No, featherweight. He tickles his opponents to death !
- Phoning the florist to order some
flowers for her lover's funeral, woman was caught off guard when asked
what message she wanted on the card. "Message?" she sputtered.
"Well, I guess, 'You will be missed."' Visiting the funeral home, she
was
pleased that her floral tribute had arrived but mortified that
the card
had her exact words: "I guess you will be missed."
- Q: What is the
definition of
Death?
A: When you stop paying taxes suddenly.
- Question: What
did the dead raccoon
say in his will?
Answer: "Leave it to Beaver."
- Sam was on his death bed, and his wife
and children were
gathered
around him. Suddenly the aroma of
chopped liver filled the room.
Sam perked up a bit and said to his
wife, "That's it, one last time
before I die I must have some of
your delicious chopped liver."
Sam's wife looked at him sadly and
said, "Sorry Sam, it's for
after."
- Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk,
and I swatted one, how many flies would be left?
Girl: One - the
dead one!
- Teacher: What can you tell me about the
Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead ?, I didn't even know he was sick !
- The man who
was about to die said
to the Sheriff,
"Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?"
"Course not," replied the Sheriff.
"We just put the rope round
your neck and kick the horse away. After
that it's up to you."
- There was a great loss today in the
entertainment world. The
man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is
that they had trouble keeping the body in
the casket.
They put his left leg in....
Well, you know
the rest.
- This elderly Newfoundland
fisherman
is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. "Well
boys, the time is near, and when I pass I'd like to be buried at
sea." So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local front
page read, "Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought
in
Patrick McRay in a Coffin, 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three
Sons... Funeral arrangements haven't yet been made, however, it is
believed
all wished to be buried at sea."
- Three weeks after her wedding
day,
Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I
had
a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's
not half as bad as
you think it is. Every marriage has to have its
first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going
to do with the
BODY?"
- Vampire 1: "I once went so long without
fresh blood that I
nearly died."
Vampire 2: "How awful!"
Vampire 1: "Yes. Fortunately, I found some in the neck of
time."
- Waiter, there's a fly in my soup
!
Yes, it's the rotting meat that attracts them !
- Waiter, waiter! There's a
dead fly
in my soup.
Oh no! Who's going to look after his family?
- What are you doing?
I'm trying to
call Washington!
Oh, haven't you heard? He's dead!
- What did the little kid do with the
dead
battery?
He buried it.
- What do you call a man who has been
dead and buried for
thousands of years?
Pete.
- What do you find in a zombie's veins?
Dead blood corpuscles.
- What has four legs, a tail,
whiskers and flies?
A dead cat.
- What is posthumous work ?
Something
written by someone after they are dead !
- What is the difference between a
musician and a
dead body?
One composes and the other decomposes.
- What is the last thing you eat before
you die?
You bite the dust.
- What kind of ghosts haunt operating
theatres?
Surgical spirits.
- What lies on the ground 100 feet up in
the air and smells?
A dead centipede.
- What's a zombie's favorite pop song?
Dead sails in the sunset.
- What's the difference between a very
old, shaggy Yeti and a dead
bee?
One's a seedy beast and the
other's a deceased bee.
- When a knight in armour was killed in
battle, what sign did they put on
his grave ?
Rust in peace !
- Where do ghosts go for their holidays?
The Dead Sea.
- Why did the cowboy
die with his
boots on ?
Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the
bucket
!
- Why did the monster
take a dead man
for a drive in his car?
Because he was a car-case.
- Why do cemeteries have fences around
them?
Because people are dying to get in.
- Why do you want to be buried at sea?
Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.
- Why was George Washington buried at
Mount Vernon ?
Because he was dead !
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