dirty jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: dirty jokes
- "Ever
since we got married, my wife has
tried to change me. She got me to stop
drinking, smoking and running
around until all hours of the night. She
taught me
how to dress
well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical
music,
even
how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be
bitter because she changed you so
drastically," remarked
his
friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't
good
enough for me."
- "Hello?" the blonde responded answering the
phone. Hearing no response, she repeated, "Hello?"
"I'll bet
you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom,
undress you,
lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love
to you
until dawn." the male voice whispered.
"Scheesch! You're good."
she replied. "You mean you can tell all
that from two hello's?"
- A
blonde arrived for her first golf lesson
and the pro asked her to take a
swing at a ball to see how she'd
do. The blonde did so and competely
duffed the shot. The pro said
"Your swing is good but you're gripping the
club too hard - grip the
club gently as you would your husband's
penis." The blonde took
another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight
down the fairway.
The pro said "That was excellent! Let's try it
again only this
time take the club out of your mouth."
- A
husband and wife are in bed watching "Who
Wants to be a Millionaire".
The husband asks for sex.
The
wife says, "No." >
Her husband asks,
"Is that your final answer?"
>
She responds, "Yes."
He says,
"Then, I'd like to
call a friend."
- A
man and woman are riding up in an
elevator.
The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your
pussy?"
She replies, "Hell no!"
The man says, "Well, it must be
your feet then."
- A 90 year man
finally gets to see a Dr. and
the dr. asks him what the problem is, the
man says he wants the Dr.
to lower his sex drive. The Dr. is taken
aback a bit but finally
asks the man, just how old are you? The man answers
I am 90. The Dr.,
still a little confused says you are 90, and you want
your sex
drive lowered? Yes said the man, it's all in my head and I
want you to
lower it.
- A big fat housewife is on her hands and
knees, scrubbing the kitchen
floor, when she suddenly yells to her
husband, "Come here quick,
Charlie!
I'm paralyzed! I can't get
up!" He comes in, takes a look, and says,
"Stand up, you silly old
bat. You're kneeling on one of your
tits."
- A blonde and a brunette were talking. The
brunette complained, "Everytime my boyfriend brings home flowers, I have
to to spend the weekend with my legs in the air." The blonde asks,
"Don't you have a vase?"
- A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her
what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer."
The
bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"
To which she replies, "Fine
thanks, and how's your cock?"
- A blonde is suffering from a
sore throat so
she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to
the doctor
who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says
"Open
wide." "I can't" replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with
arms."
- A bus stops and this old lady gets off and
complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed, and the driver thinks
nothing of it; the bus comes to another stop and another old lady
gets off
and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed and
the driver
thinks nothing of it, then the bus comes to another stop
and this old man
gets off and says to the driver "I lost my taupe
and thought I found it
twice then realized mine is parted down the
side, and the two I saw
were parted down the middle!"
- A couple
decided that the only way to have a
quickie while their ten-year- old
son was in the apartment was to
send him out on the balcony and let him
give a running report on
what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the
boy stood on the
balcony and reported on everything that was happening.
"A police car has
just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers
are taking
delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having
sex."
Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do you
know the
Mitchells are having sex?" "Because their kid is standing on
the
balcony too."
- A couple just got married, and when the husband
went back
to his house
he found that his bride had disappeared.
He got very worried and
gathered up all his friends to search for
his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the
man returned home to find her
in the kitchen. He asked her what she
has been up to and why she hasnt
been home for so long.
She
replied:
"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a
week."
The husband answered:
"But it's only been two days what
do u mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."
- A couple was having some
trouble, so they
did the right thing and went to a
marriage counselor. After a few
visits, and a lot of questioning and
listening, the counselor said that
he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the
woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a
hug.
He looked at the
man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least
once
a
day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do
you want
me to bring her back tomorrow?"
- A Deaf mute walks into
pharmacy to buy
condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the
pharmacist, and cannot
see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute
finally unzips
his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a
five
dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the
same
as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in
his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist
wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't
afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
- A dentist friend of mine
had a T-shirt which
said on the front: Let me put my tool in your
mouth... and on the
back: ...and I will fill your cavity.
- A drunk gets
up from the bar and heads for
the bathroom. A few minutes
later,
a loud, blood curdling scream
is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes
after
that, another
loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender
goes
into
the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's
all the
screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to
flush,something
comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You
idiot!"
"You're sitting on the mop bucket!
- A father, mother, and son were going to Europe
and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They
didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they
told him
that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb,
and that the
woman with really big tits were really really dumb.
When they got to
the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son
and asked where his
dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I
saw him he was talking
to this really, really, really dumb blond,
and the longer they talked
the dumber he got."
- A five year old boy and his grandfather are
sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulls a beer out
of a cooler. the little boy
asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?"
Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch
your
ass?"
The little
boy answered no.
Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a
beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy
asked,
"Grandpa,
can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked,
"Can your dick touch
your
ass?" The little boy answered no, again.
Grandpa said, "Then your not
man
enough to have a cigar." A
little later, the little boy came out of
the
house With a
cookie.
Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"
The boy asked "Can your dick
touch your ass?"
Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my
ass!" The boy
replied,
"Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these
cookies for me."
- A girl
brings a guy home one night. They get
into her apartment and immediately she
suggests that they do "69".
"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.
Realizing he's
inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head
between your legs and you
put your head between mine." Still not knowing
what she's talking
about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees
to try it. The
second they get in to the position, she lets go a
rip-roaring fart.
"What was that for?" he asks. "Oops! Sorry, lets try it
again." she
says. So, they get into position again, and once more she
lets one
loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait,
where
are you going?" she asks. The guy says, " If you think I'm
sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!
- A guy
walked into the doctor's surgery for
an appointment. "Would you like
to tell me your problem?" the
pretty blonde receptionist asked.
"I'll need the information for the
doctor." "It's rather embarrassing"
the guy stammered. "You see, I
have a very large and almost constant
erection." "Well, the doctor
is very busy today" the receptionist
cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze
you in."
- A guy goes into a costume shop. He says,
"I'm going to a
costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings
out
a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a
bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge
fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace,
why don't you just throw it over your
shoulder and go as a gasoline
pump?"
- A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day
when
he comes across
a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off
when two rather tired
looking
genies pop out "Two genies!" he
exclaims. "That must mean six
wishes!"
"Sorry, buddy, it's three
or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry
up".
The guy makes his
three wishes and races off home to see if they've
been granted. He
gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds
the most
gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him.
After hours of mad,
passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and
walks into the living room where
he is knee deep in $1000 bills.
The guy can hardly believe his
luck.
Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open
it,
when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string
him up naked until he is dead.
The two then take off their
white hoods to reveal that
they are, in fact, the two genies, bot
h looking rather puzzled.
The first genie turns to the second and
says, "I can understand the
beautiful woman and all the money in the
world,
by why on earth would you want to be
hung like a black
man?"
- A guy waiting at the bus stop wearing chains,
leather jaket, and leather pants and his hair in long spikes each a
different color. An old man at the bus stop looked and looked at the
guy,
finally, the guy said to the old man: "haven't you ever done
anything
crazy and wild in your life" and the old man said "yah, I
have, I once
made it with a peacock and I was wondering if your my
son"
- A guy went out on the golf course took a
high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the
ground.
When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad
is it doc?
I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a
virgin in
every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis
in a splint to
let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay
by next week." So
he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat
little 4-sided bandage,
and wired it all together; an impressive
work of art. The guy mentioned
none of this to his girl. They got
married and on the honeymoon night
in their hotel room, she rips open
her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set
of breasts. This was the first
time he saw them, and she said,You'll be
the first; no one has ever
touched them before." He tore off his pants
and said, "Look at
this. It's still in the crate!"
- A husband and wife love to golf together, but
neither of
them are playing
like they want to, so they decide to
take private lessons.The husband
has
his lesson first. After the
pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no,
no,"
you're gripping the
club way too hard!" "Well, what should
I do?" asks the man. "Hold
the club gently," the pro replied, "just
like
you'd hold your
wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a
swing, and
WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.The man goes
back
to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her
lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches
her
swing and
says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way
too hard." "What
can I do?"
asks the wife."Hold the club gently,
just like you'd hold your
husband's penis." The wife listens
carefully to the pro's advice,
takes a swing,
and THUMP. The
ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was
great,"the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth
and
swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
- A knight and his
men returned to their
castle after a hard day of fighting. "How
are we faring?" asked the king.
"Sire!" replied the knight, "I have
been robbing
and pillaging
on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies
to
the
west." "What?" shrieked the king, "I don't have any enemies to the
west!" "Oh!"
said the knight, "Well, you do now."
- A lady walks
into the dentist's office,
takes off her underwear, sits down on the
chair and spreads her legs
wide open. "You must have made a mistake" says
the shocked dentist,
"The gynecologist's office is one level
higher." To that the lady
replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's
dentures last
week, now you'll be the one getting them out."
- A little
old lady shaking violently as she
walks in to the pharmacy asks the
salesperson "do you sell
vibrators". Surprised by the request, the sales
person says yes! The little
old lady says: "Well, how do you turn the
damn things off!"
- A little boy returning home from his first day
at
school said to his mother,
"Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who
believed in all the most modern
educational
theories, gave him a
detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the
tricky
subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment
form
which
he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I
going to
get all
that into this one little square?"
- A little girl goes to the barber shop with her
father. She stands directly next
to the barber chair, while her
dad gets his haircut, eating her snack
cake. The
barber says to
her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
Twinkie."
She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."
- A male market researcher was calling on homes on
behalf of Vaseline. A woman answered the door."Do you use
Vaseline?"
asked the researcher. "Certainly," she said. "It's very good for
cuts, grazes and burns." "And what about anything else?" he asked.
"Like what?" He became embarrassed. "Well, sex, maybe." Oh, of
course." she said. "I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my
husband
out."
- A man
got on a plane and sat next to a
blonde, after sitting for awhile she
sneezed, took out a tissue and
whipped her box. The man not knowing her
said nothing and went about
his business. After about 3 or 4 minutes she
sneezed again and, the
same thing, whipped her box. Finally, the man
got the nerve and
asked "what was wrong?" She said that every time she
sneezes she has an
orgasm. "Oh!" the man said, are you taking
anything for
it?
"Yes", she said - "black pepper!"
- A man comes home from work one night to catch
his blonde
girlfriend sliding down the banister naked. He blurts out,
"What do you
think you're doing?" "Just heating up dinner" she
replies.
- A man goes skydiving for the first time. After
listening to the instructor for
what seems like days, he is ready
to go. Excited, he jumps out of the
airplane.
About five seconds
later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He
tries
again.
Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He
pulls
that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling
both cords,
but to no
avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he
can't believe his eyes. Another man is
in the air
with him, but
this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by,
the
skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey, do you
know
anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back,
"Fuck no! Do you know anything about
lighting gas
stoves?"
- A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you
have to help me!"
The doctor asks, "What's your problem?"
The
guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning
flagpole'...give
the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I
carpool
with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow
job during the
ride
to work. Once I get there, I do some work
and then at morning tea time,
I
go into the photocopy room and
crank one out with one of the young
office
girls. At lunch, I take
my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good
boning. For
afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing.
Then, I go home and
slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give
the
wife
another screw......."
"So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your
problem???"
The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"
- A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They
talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to
her place, and as she shows him around her
apartment, he notices
that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy
bears.
Hundreds of
small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium
sized
ones
on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along
the
wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would
have a collection of
teddy
bears, especially one that's so
extensive, but he decides not to
mention this to her.
He turns to
her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes
off and make
love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there
together in
the
afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize
- A man wakes up early one morning and
decides
to go Bear hunting.
He tells his wife, "You've got three choices;
you can go Bear hunting
with me,
I'll do you anally or you can
give me a blowjob.
I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out.
Make up your mind before I get back.
"The man returns twenty
minutes later and says, "Well what's it
gonna be?
"She say's,
"There's no way I'm going Bear hunting
and you're not doing my ass
so I guess it's a blowjob.
"A couple minutes later she starts
choking and spitting and says,
"Jesus, you taste like shit.""Oh yeah,"
he replies,
"The dog didn't want to go Bear hunting' either."
- A man walked into an appliance store and asked
the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One
dollar," the clerk replied. "You've got to be kidding." "Look, Mac,"
the
clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course, the customer
gave him
a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the
suctomer saw
a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker.
"How much for
that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents," came the
reply. The
customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the
heck is going on
here?" "Nothing is goining on here," the clerk
snapped. "But my boss
is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing
to her, I'm doing to
his business."
- A man walks into
a tattoo parlor and says he
would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick.
Well the tattoo artist
laughs and says "I'll do it for free if you
can give me one good
reason for it."
The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one,
I like to keep my
money in my pants, two I like to watch my money
grow, and three I want to
see how fast my wife can blow a $100.
- A man went into a store to buy some condoms.
"That's 1 dollar
15 plus tax," said the store assistant. "I don't
need tacks," said
the man. "It'll stay up all by itself."
- A market researcher called at a house and his
knock
was answered by a young woman with three small
children
running around her. He asked her if she minded
replying to his
questions and she agreed.
He asked her if she knew his
company,Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many
products was
Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When
asked if
she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used
it,
she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer
was amazed.
He said, "I always ask that question because
everyone uses our
product and they always say they use
it for the child's bicycle chain,
or the gate hinge; but
I know that most use it for sexual
intercourse. Since you've
been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you
use
it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
- A minister gave a talk to the
Lions Club on
sex. When he got home, he couldn't
tell his wife that he had spoken
about sex, so he said he had discussed
horseback riding with the
members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping
center and they
complimented her on the speech her husband had
made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject
matter, as
he's only
tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he
could hardly walk, and
the
second time he fell off."
- A murderer,
imprisoned for life, broke free
after 15 years and was on
the run. He broke into a house and tied up
the young couple he found
in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one
side of the room and his
wife to the bed. The helpless husband
watched him get on the bed,
straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her
neck. His wife started to
move her head violently, at which the man got
up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the
room to his young wife and
hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you.
He probably hasn't seen a
woman in years. Please cooperate. If he
wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like
it. Whatever you do don't
fight him or make him mad. Our lives may
depend on it!"
"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag.
"I'm so relieved
you
feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was
whispering to me. He told
me he thinks you're really cute and
asked if we kept the Vaseline in
the bathroom."
- A retired
four-star general ran into his
former orderly, also retired, in a
Manhattan bar and spent the rest of
the evening persuading him to come
work for
him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were
in the
army,"
the general said. "Nothing to it - you'll catch on again
fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the
ex-general's
bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general
a gentle shake,
strode around
the other side of the bed, spanked
his employer's wife on her bottom
and said,
"OK, sweetheart,
it's back to the village for you."
- A salesman was testifying in
his divorce
proceedings against his wife. "Please
describe," said his attorney,
"the incident that first caused you to
entertain
suspicions as to
your wife's fidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all
week," the man testified.
"So naturally
when I am home, I'm
attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning,"
he continued,
"we were
in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old
lady in
the
apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you
at
least stop all
that racket on the weekends?'
- A truck driver was going down a steep incline
when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple
having sex
in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he
sounded his
horn, but they didn't move. He finally brought the truck'
to a halt
inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed:
"What the hell's
the matter with you two?.Didn't you hear me? You
could have been
killed!" The man replied nonchalantly: "Listen, I
was coming, she was
coming, and you were coming. You were the only
one with brakes."
- A truck driver was pulled over
by a State
Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and
noticed
that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth
as he
stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away
his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow
something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver. "Birth
control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I
knew I was fucked."
- A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a
big
problem, doctor."
"Every time we're in bed and
my husband climaxes, he lets out
this earsplitting yell." "My dear,"
the doctor said, "that's
completely
natural.
I don't see
what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained,
"it wakes
me up!"
- A woman
went to the doctor and complained
that she was suffering from I knee
pains. "Do you indulge in any
activity that puts a lot of pressure on
your knees?" asked the doctor.
"Every night, my husband and I have sex
on the floor doggy style."
"I see," said the doctor. "You know,
there are plenty of other
sexual positions?" "Not if you want to watch
TV there ain't!"
- A woman checked in at the pearly gates and
asked to join her former husband,
Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We
have five million Walter Smiths.
Give us a
little
clue."
The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that
if I ever
slept with another man he'd turn over in his
grave."
Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Turning
Walter!"
- A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for
obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the
police
raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes,
including the young
girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a
straight line on
the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the
neighborhood, but little
old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked
curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma
in
on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people
were
passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some
myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A
police
officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the
prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he
was bewildered.
"But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my
dentures and suck 'em dry!"
- A young woman goes to her doctor
complaining
that the insides of her upper thighs have turned green.
The doctor
examined her and asked her if by any chance she went out
with a
Romany.
When she said yes the doctor said
"Well tell him his ear
rings aren't real gold!!!"
- Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force
One. Bill looks at
Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could
throw a $100.00 bill
out the window right now and make one person very
happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I
could
throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very
happy."
Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I
could
throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a
hundred
people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and
says, "I
could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole
country happy."
- An American tourist went into
a restaurant
in a Spanish provincial city for
dinner, and asked to be served the
specialty of the house. When the
dish
arrived, he asked what kind
of meat it contained.
"Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter
replied.
"The what, you say?" exclaimed the
tourist.
"They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today,"
explained the
waiter.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway,
and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked
for the same dish. After he
finished
the meal, the tourist
commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are
much
saltier and
smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, senor," agreed the
waiter. "You see the bull, he does not
always lose."
- An angry husband returned home one night to find
his wife
in bed with a naked man. 'What are you doing' he
shouted.
To which his wife said to her lover 'See, I told you he was
stupid'
- An eighty year old couple decide to
try for
a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce
a
sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the
bottle is empty. "What's the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well,"
says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left.
Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she
tried
it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still
can't get
the lid off the bloody bottle."
- An elderly man visits his
doctor.
"Doctor, I would like you to examine me to see if I am sexually fit."
"Very
well, let me see your sex organs, please."
The aged patient replied
o.k. "And stuck out his index finger and his
tongue."
- An elderly woman
decided to have her
portrait painted. She told the artist "Paint me with
diamond earrings, a
diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach,
and gold Rolex."
A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a
twenty-year-old.
"So, did you do it?" his lawyer asked.
"Of course not," the old man
replied. "But I was so flattered, I
pleaded guilty."
- An old couple in an old folks home are having an
affair, nothing much
they just sit watching TV late at night while
the old woman holds the
old mans dick. Then suddenly the old man
ends the affair because of
another woman. The old woman's distraught
and yells, "WHAT'S THIS OTHER
WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN'T!" The old
man smiles and says,
"Parkinson's disease"
- An old man and his
wife lived deep in the
hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell
his goods and asked the man if he or
his wife
wanted to buy
something. "Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down
to the
creek
to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got," said the man. The
peddler showed
him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man
wasn't
interested. Then
the man spotted a mirror and said,
"What's that?" Before the peddler
could tell
him it was a mirror, the
old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd
you get a
picture
of my Pappy?" The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's
best
pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and
spoiled
his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad
at him for trading
her best
pitcher, so he hid it in the barn
behind some boxes of junk. He would
go out to
the barn 2 or 3
times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually
the wife
got
suspicious. One day she got fed up and after he retired for the
night,
she went
out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the
boxes, picked it up and
said,
"so this is the hussy he's been
foolin' around with!"
- An old man approaches the window of a cinema with
a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the
counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well,
my pet
chicken, of course!" "I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We
can't
allow animals in the cinema." The man goes around the corner
and stuffs
the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window,
buys his
ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts
to get hot and
begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so
the chicken can stick
it's head out and watch the film. Seated
next to him is a woman. She
looks over at his lap and is horrified.
She elbows her friend Agnes and
whispers, "Agnes, this man over here
has just unzipped his trousers!"
Agnes whispers back, "Oh, don't
worry about it...you've seen one,
you've seen them all." Madge
says, "I KNOW...but this one's eating my
POPCORN!!"
- An old man in a nursing home awoke one day
and
trundled down the hallway to the community breakfast
room looking
rather forlorn. Ms. Smith, a nurse, met
him in the hallway. She
greeted him smilingly and
asked how he was this day.
Mr. Jones
allowed that not all was well; in fact, his
penis had died during the
night. Ms. Smith knew that
Mr. Jones was occasionally a little off
mentally, so
she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the
bad
news and went on her way.
The next morning Mr. Jones was on his
way to breakfast
again but on this day he was dressed in a coat
and
tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure
enough, he
met Ms. Smith whereupon -- although
somewhat startled -- she calmly
reminded him that the
day before he had told her his penis had died
and
asked why it was hanging out of his pants.
Mr. Jones
replied simply, "Today is the viewing."
- Are birth
control pills deductible?
Only
if they don't work.
- As a hooker
was dressing, she turned to her
customer and asked, "Have you just
gotten out of
prison?"
"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted
to
have sex
from the rear?"
"Partly." She said. "But more
because when we finished, you ran
around in front
of me, bent over,
and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"
- At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate
that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this
makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole
truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes
home, and as
he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole
truth." His
mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell
your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get
home from work, and
greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The
father promptly hands
him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to
your mother." Very
pleased, the boy is on his way to school the
next day when he sees the
mailman at his front door. The boy greets
him by saying, "I know the whole
truth." The mailman immediately
drops the mail, opens his arms, and
says, "Then come give your real
father a big hug."
- Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay
bottom goes to his
doctor. The
physician prescribes suppositories,
but when it comes time to use them
the young
man is afraid he
will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom and
bends over
and
looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All
of
a
sudden, his penis becomes stiff, blocking his view.
"Oh,
stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "it's only
me."
- Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along
a
country road one
night when all of a sudden they hit a pig,
killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse
and explain to the
owners what
had happened. About one hour
later Bill sees his driver staggering back
to the
car with a bottle
of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his
clothes
all
ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Bill.
"Well,
the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and
his
19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what
did you tell them?" asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I'm Bill
Clinton's driver, and I just killed
the pig."
- Did u know that a condom had a serial number?
No, I never
had to unroll one that far.
- Did you ever
blow bubbles as as child? Yeh,
well he's back in town and wants your new
number.
- Did you hear the one about the blonde who
thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
- During a funeral for a woman
who had
henpecked her husband, drove her
kids half nuts, scrapped with the
neighbors at the slightest
opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat
and dog with her
explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into
the grave, a violent
thunderstorm broke,
and the pastor's
benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of
lightning, followed by
terrific thunder.
"Well, at least we know she got there all right,"
commented her
husband
- Harry approached a prostitute and asked, "How
much for a blow job
?".
"Hundred Bucks".
"OK", he said and
began to jerk off.
"What the hell are you doing that for?"
"For
hundred bucks you don't think I'm going to give you the easy
one, do
you ?"
- How did Dairy Queen get
pregnant?
Burger
King didn't cover his Whopper.
- How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.
- How do you know you're leading a sad
life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
- How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them
spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
- How many
men does it take to put the toilet
seat down?
Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
- Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to
"iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde
Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do
without
the gardener.
- I love the lines men use to get us into bed.
"Please,
I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a
microwave?
- I was making love to this girl and she started
crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She
said, "No, I hate myself now."
- If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no
sex life at all.
- If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the
bird of true love?
The swallow.
- In a nursing home, there is this old woman named
Gladys who likes to walk around and flash people. She walks up to a
nun, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The nun says, "Gladys,
you
know you're not supposed to do that. Now go back to your room.
Gladys
starts walking back and sees the minister. She walks up to
him, opens
her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The minister is shocked
and tells
her to go back to her room. As she continues, she sees an
old man lying
on the bed. She walks in, flashes him, and yells
"Super Pussy!" The
man slowly turns his head and says, "Thanks, I think
I'll have the
soup."
- Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the
town's morals, publicly accused her
neighbor George of being an
alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck
parked
outside the
town's only bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said
nothing. Later that
evening, he
parked his pickup truck in front of her
house and left it there all
night.
- Little Johnny walks into school one day to find
a substitute in place of his
regular teacher.
She says,
"Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class
remember
it
has an "r" after the first letter."
The entire class says,
"Hello Mrs. Prussy."
A few days later the regular teacher is
still sick when Little Johnny
gets to
his desk the teacher asks
what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher,
"I remember it has an
"r" after
the first
letter."
"That's right!" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny
says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
- Little Mary was not the best
student in
Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day
the teacher
called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who
created
the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic
boy seated in the
chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the
rear. "God
Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very
good," and Mary fell
back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked
Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior,"
but Mary didn't even stir from
her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
the rescue, and stuck her
again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and
the teacher said, "Very
good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third
question. "What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third
child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her
with the pin. This time Mary
jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that
damn thing in me one m
ore time, I'll break it in half!"
- Male secretary : "Feel free to use my
dictaphone."
New blonde employee : "No thanks, I'll just use my finger
like
everyone else."
- Men are like cement.
After getting laid, they
take a long time to get hard.
- My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a
few items.
She headed for the
express line where the clerk was
talking on the phone with his back
turned to
her.
"Excuse
me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out,
please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and
down,
smiled and
said, "Not bad."
- On the first day
of college, the Dean
addressed the
students, pointing out some of the rules, saying,
"The
female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the
male dormitory to the female students.
Anyone caught breaking this
rule once will be fined $50."
He continued, "Anyone caught
breaking this rule a second
time will be fined $150. Being caught a third
time will
incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any
questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How
much
for a season pass?"
- Once upon a time, a guy was
sitting at a
bar.
He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar
tips and
buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of
adoring
women.
The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of
curious about a little
man that
would jump from the rich guy's
pocket.
The little man would run up and down the bar,
kicking
over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger.
Then the
little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while.
The
barman went over and asked the guy what was up.
So the rich guy says,
"Well, let me tell you a little story.
I was walking along a beach one
day, and I come across this lamp.
I rub it, and a genie popped out.
I got three wishes, so my first wish
was to be fabulously wealthy.
Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both."
The barman
asks, "So what about that little guy in your jacket?"
"Oh, tha
t," mumbles the rich guy. "That's the twelve-inch prick I
wished
for."
- One day a man was sleeping and the neighbor's
little girl entered his house, woke him up and said, "What is that
between your legs?" He replied that is "my bird." He went back to
sleep.
She came back later and said, "What's that furry stuff around
your
bird?" He replied that's "my nest." So he went back to sleep.
She came
back later. "What's those two things under it?" He said
those are
"the eggs." She said, "Okay, can I play with your bird,and
he said
"ok." When he woke up later, he noticed that he was in the
hospital. He
saw the little girl and asked, "what happened?" She
said, "When I
was playing with your bird he spit in my eye so I
chopped off his head,
burnt down his nest and busted his eggs!"
- One day a teacher was asking her class to use
absolutely in
a sentence.
So Janet raised her hand and said the
sky is absolutely blue,
the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is
black or has different
colors.
Another little boy raised his
hand and said
"the leaves on the trees are absolutely green" the
teacher said no,
they could be different colors at different times of
the year.
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where
lumps in farts,
the teachers said no, I don't believe so.
And
Little Johnny said,
" well then I absolutely just shit in my
pants!!!!"
- One day there was two boys playing
by a
stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and
the
other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so
long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were
looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the
second
boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why
he ran away so he took off after
his friend. Finally, he caught up
to him and asked why he ran away. The
boy said to his friend, "My
mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I
would turn to stone, and I
felt something getting hard, so I ran."
- One day there were
two boys playing by a
stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went
over to it and the
other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at
the bush so
long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The
two boys
were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a
sudden
the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't
understand
why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught
up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My
mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I
felt
something getting hard, so I ran."
- One day, little
Mikey comes home from
kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in
the kitchen, or the
living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the
door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also
come home for
lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked,
heavily
into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy,
the
parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a
couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy
ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a
few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.
"Hang
on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually
fall
off!"
- One morning while making breakfast, a man walked
up to his
wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if
you firmed this
up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was
on the edge of
intolerable, she thought herself better and replied
with silence. The next
morning the man woke his wife with a pinch
on the breast and said,
"You know if you firmed these up we could
get rid of your bra." This was
beyond a silent response, so she
rolled over and grabbed him by the
penis. With a death grip in place she
said, "You know if you firmed this
up we could get rid of the
postman, the gardener, the poolman and your
brother.
- One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the
husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her
arm. The wife
turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The
husband, rejected, turns
over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he
rolls back over and taps
his wife again. This time he whispers in
her ear, "Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
- Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair
when he
decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's
table.
Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I
can read your
love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and
the reader took one look at his
open palm and said, "I can see that
you have no
girlfriend."
"That's true," said
Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes,"
Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can
you tell all of this
from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses and
blisters."
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