divorce jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: divorce jokes
- A
guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising
his voice, asks to speak to
himself.
"Sorry, he doesn't
live here anymore, we're divorced!"
Next day, the guy does the
same thing with the same results.
He does this everyday for a week,
and finally his ex-wife realizes who
it is that keeps calling.
"Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of
story! When are you going
to get that through your fat head?"
"Oh, I know! I just can't
hear it enough!"
- A friend
of mine just got divorced. He and
his ex-wife split the
house. He got the outside.
- A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office
wanting to file for
divorce.
Attorney: "May I help you?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got
about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do
you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I
have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John
Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?!?!?!?"
Hillbilly:
"No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a
nagger
. That's why I want this dayvorce."
- A husband and wife were having dinner at a
very
fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes
over to
their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see
him later
and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the
hell was
that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well,
that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I
want a
divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but
remember, if
we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips
to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany,
no more Infinities
and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht
club. But the decision is
yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the
restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with
Jim? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she
replies.
- A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her
pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your
divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of
the property with a stream running by."
"No," he
said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made
of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he
continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and
uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We
have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your
marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily
like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes,"
she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I
do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you
want a
divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't
communicate with me!"
- A man appears before a judge one day, asking
for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then
says,
"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because,"
the man says,"I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies,
"What kind of a reason is that?
What is the big deal about a
two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a
headache'
and the other story is 'It's that time of the
month.'
- A married couple is driving down the
interstate doing
55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks
over at him and
says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years,
but, I want a
divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly
increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to
try to talk me out of it, because
I've been having an affair with
your best friend, and he's a better
lover than you."
Again
the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his
hands
on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband
speeds up, and now is
doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the
kids too." The husband just keeps driving
faster, and faster, until
he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking
account, and all the credit
cards too." The husband slowly starts to
veer toward a bridge overpass
piling, as she says, "Is there an
ything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything
I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The
husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've
got the
airbag!"
- A middle-aged
Jewish guy is out to dinner
with his wife to celebrate her fortieth
birthday.
He says, "So
what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A
diamond
necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't
planning
on spending that much."
- A ninety-year-old couple decide
to get a
divorce. They go to the judge and say, "Judge, we want a
divorce."
The judge says, "You've been married 70 years and now you want to
get
a divorce? Why did you wait so long?"
The couple say in
unison, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were
dead."
- An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New
York and says, "I
hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you
that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is
enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man
says "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so
you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like
hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of
this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,
"You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there
tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wif
e. "Okay,"
he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do
we tell them
for Christmas?"
- Definition of Divorce: The future tense of
marriage.
- Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce
ended up
in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won,
the dog bit
him.
- I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His
wife
won't give him a
divorce until she figures out a way of
doing it without making him a
happy man.
- Miss DeAngelo was a
none-too-bright young
woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of
becoming a star.
She didn't find fame or glory, but she did encounter
plenty of men
willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found
herself
called to testify in a divorce case. When it was her turn on the
stand, the lawyer came forward.
"Miss DeAngelo, the wife of the
defendant has identified you as the
'other woman' in her husband's
life. Now, do you admit that you went
to the Pricerite Motel with this
Mr. Evans?"
"Well, yes," acknowledged Miss DeAngelo with a sniff,
"but I
couldn't help it."
"Couldn't help it?" asked the lawyer
derisively. "How's that?"
"Mr. Evans deceived me." "Exactly what
do you mean?"
"See, when we signed in," she explained, "he told the
motel clerk I
was his wife."
- Mrs. Caroline Squires of Cincinnati filed for
a divorce from her
husband in 1949 on grounds of desertion. She
testified he'd stepped out
"for a beer" on the Fourth of July, 1917,
and had never come back.
- My husband and I divorced over
religious
differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
- Q. What do a hurricane, a
tornado, and
a
redneck divorce all have in common?
A. Someone's going to
lose their trailer...
- Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: None, the sockets go with the house.
- Q: How many divorcees does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: None. The sockets all went with the house.
- Q: Why do divorced men get married
again?
A: Bad memory.
- Question: What's the
major cause of
divorce?
Answer: Once is not enough.
- Question: Why is divorce so
expensive?
Answer: Because it's worth it.
- Ralph was driving home one evening and
realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a
present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked
the
store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for
$19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for
$19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the
Nightclub
for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00."
"Why
is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are
$19.95?!?",
Ralph asked surprised.
The Manager replies, "Well, Divorced
Barbie comes with Ken's car,
Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog,
Ken's cat and Ken's
furniture."
- Regardless of what you may hear, there's still
many women
these days
who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems
each time they get a divorce,
they keep the house.
- Ruby Alice walked up to
the desk of a
Bowling Green motel and signed the register with the
letter "O."
"Why'd you put that circle down?" asked the clerk.
"Cause Ah
can't write," replied the girl.
"Why don't you sign with an
'X'?" asked the man.
"Ah used to," she answered. "But when Ah
got me a divorce, Ah took
back mah maiden name!"
- Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman
petitions the
court for a
divorce on the grounds that her husband
"beats her." The Judge,
wanting every detail asked how often it was he
beat the woman.
"Every damn time your Honor," she sighed, "Every
damn time
!"
- Staring down from the bench to announce the
terms of the
divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and
said:
"I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month."
To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: "That's
mighty
kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too."
- The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy
Yuppette complained to
the Judge that her husband had left her
bed and board.
When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose
to his feet and
coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight
correction in the typing
of the charging documents. My client claims that
he left her bed
'bored'."
- Two
men are talking. The first sez, "I got
married because I was tired
of eating out, cleaning the house, doing
the laundry and wearing
shabby clothes."
"Amazing," said the
second, "I just got divorced for the very same
reasons."
- What do a
hurricane, a tornado, a fire and
a divorce have in common?
They are four ways you can lose your
house!
- With the divorce rate so high in America, a
new organization has been
formed called "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever
a guy feels like getting
married, they send over a woman with
crulers in her hair, cream on her
face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag
him out of it.
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