doctor and nurse jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: doctor and nurse jokes
- "Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering
from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone
with
pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it
won't happen to me. If I treat someone with
pneumonia he will die
of pneumonia."
- "Doctor, doctor!" said the
panic-stricken woman,
"my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he's
swallowed a
mouse! What shall I do?"
"Quite simple," said the
doctor calmly. "You just tie a lump of
cheese to a piece of string and
lower it into your husband's mouth. As
soon as the mouse takes a
bite haul it out."
"Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I'll go around to
the fishmonger
straight away and get a cod's head."
"What do
you want a cod's head for?"
"Oh- I forgot to tell you. I've got to
get the cat out first!"
- "The doctor said he would have me on
my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the
car to pay the bill."
- "What do you do?" a young man asked
the beautiful girl he was dancing with. "I'm a nurse." "I wish I
could be ill and let you nurse me," he whispered in her ear. "That
would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward."
- "Why are you so
excited?", the
surgeon asked the patient that was about to be
anesthetized.
"But
doc, this is my first operation."
"Really? It's mine too, and I am
not excited at all."
- 1) Why did the nurse keep the bedpan
in the
refrigerator?
Because when she kept it in the freezer it
took too much skin off.
- A baseball manager who had an
ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor
said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball
when you're off the field." Then he added, "By the way, how come
you
let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and
two men
out in the ninth?"
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him
now. Next.
- A coffin was being moved
when it
fell off a wagon, and started down the hill. One of the
morticians
started chasing it. As it rolled past the hospital, the mortician
yelled to one of the nurse practitioners walking by, "Doc, quick, give
me
something to stop this coffin."
- A doctor and a nurse were
called
to the scene of an accident.
Doctor: We need to get these people
to a hospital now!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big
building with a lot of doctors, but that's not
important now!
- A doctor and his wife were having a
big
argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he
shouted and stormed off to
work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd
better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife
picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in
bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second
opinion."
- A doctor has come to see one of
his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both
of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and
dramatically holds up his
heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the
piano when these
bandages come off?"
"I don't see why not,"
replies the doctor.
"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't
able to play it
before."
- A doctor is going round the ward with
a nurse and they
come to the first bed where the chap is laying
half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks
the
doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight
tablets every two
hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also
appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every
twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour,"
replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well
and truly deceased,
not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor,
"did you prick his
boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the
nurse.
- A man goes to the eye doctor. The
receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep
seeing spots
in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you
ever seen a doctor?" and the man
replies, "No, just spots."
- A man needing a
heart transplant
is told by his doctor that the only heart available is
that of a
sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the
sheep
heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in
for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man
replies "Not BAAAAD!"
- A man walks into a doctor's office.
He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a
banana in
his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the
doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
- A man went to see his doctor because
he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some
pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor
gave him a shot, but that didn't do any
good.
On his third
visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot
bath. As soon
as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand
in the
draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll
get
pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure
pneumonia."
- A man who was very
upset walked
in to see his doctor. "Doctor, you've got to help me!"
he wailed.
"What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor. "I keep
having the
same dream, night after night. There's this door with a
sign on
it, and I push and push the door but I can't get it open."
"What
does the sign say?" asked the Doctor. "Pull," said the
patient.
- A man, seeking to lose
some of
his excess weight, visited the local doctor.
John: How can I lose
twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Of course! Cut your head
off.
- A new arrival, about to enter
hospital, saw two white coated doctors
searching through the flower
beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No,"
replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant
for an
income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
- A nurse had to
take a patient
back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the
effects of
the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made
her
comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who
asked,
"How is she?"
The nurse replied, "Oh, she's quite dopey."
One
of the friends said, "We know that, but how is she
healthwise?"
- A nurse was
showing some student
nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most
hazardous
section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are
almost
well."
- A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He
called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type
things for a while, and handed the doctor a
bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even
make that
much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered,
"Neither did I when I was a
doctor."
- A young woman went to her doctor
complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You
have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you
mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more
specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,
"Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even
THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully
for a moment and told her his
diagnosis, "You have a broken
finger."
Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few
minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you
like.
- An old fellow came
into the
hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder.
The
surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients
be up
and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent
blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the
hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he
complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep
walking
him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His
family came to pick him
up and thanked the surgeon profusely for
what he had done for their
father. The surgeon was pleased and
appreciated the thanks, but told them
that it was really a simple
operation and we had been lucky to get him
in time. "But doctor, you don't
understand," they said, "Dad
hasn't walked in over a year!"
- At a medical
convention, a male
doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male
doctor
asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the
restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner,
one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel
bedroom.
Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says
she has
to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.
After
the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her
hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a
surgeon".
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always
washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an
anesthesiologist."
Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I
didn't feel a thing."
- Camp Doctor: Your cough sounds better
today!
Camper: It should, I practised all night!
- Did you hear about the nurse who died
and went
straight to hell?
It took her two weeks to realize that
she wasn't at work
anymore!
- Did you hear about the two
podiatrists who
opened their offices on the same street?
They were arch
enemies.
- Did you hear the new penalty for
speeding in Illinois?
The first offense they give you Bears tickets
and the second offense
they make you use them.
- Doctor Doctor I feel like
biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter
on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!
- Doctor Doctor I feel like a
racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps !
- Doctor Doctor I feel like a
racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps!
- Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a
caterpillar
Don't worry you'll soon change !
- Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a
caterpillar
Don't worry you'll soon change!
- Doctor Doctor I swallowed a
bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!
- Doctor Doctor I think I'm a
moth.
So why did you come around then ?
Well, I saw this light at the
window...!
- Doctor Doctor I think I'm a
moth.
So why did you come around then?
Well, I saw this light at the
window...!
- Doctor Doctor I'm so ugly what can I
do about
it?
Hire yourself out for Halloween parties!
- Doctor how can I cure my sleep
walking
?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor !
- Doctor how can I cure my sleep
walking?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor!
- Doctor these pills you gave me for
BO...
What's wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from
under my arms!
- Doctor,
Doctor, everyone keeps
ignoring me.
Next please!
- Doctor, Doctor
I'm having
trouble with my breathing.
I'll give you something that will soon put a
stop to that!
- Doctor, Doctor
You've got to
help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a
lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
- Doctor, Doctor Can I have second
opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!
- Doctor, Doctor everyone
keeps
throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!
- Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a
liar
I can't believe that!
- Doctor, Doctor Have you got something
for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit
yourself in the head. Then
you'll have a bad headache.
- Doctor, Doctor I
feel like an
apple.
We must get to the core of this!
- Doctor, Doctor I
keep painting
myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex!
- Doctor, Doctor I
think I'm
suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?
- Doctor, Doctor I
think I'm a
moth
Get out of the way, your in my light!
- Doctor, Doctor I dream there are
monsters
under my bed, what can I do?
Saw the legs off of your
bed!
- Doctor, Doctor I feel like a
dog!
Sit!
- Doctor, Doctor I feel like a
spoon!
Well sit still and don't stir!
- Doctor, Doctor I feel like a
needle.
I see your point!
Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad?
Well, I
ouldn't start watching any new soap operas!
- Doctor, Doctor I feel like a
pair
of curtains
Well pull yourself together then
- Doctor, Doctor I feel like a
sheep.
That's baaaaaaaaaad!
- Doctor, Doctor I keep
getting
pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon
out?
- Doctor, doctor I keep
thinking
I'm a bee
Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?
- Doctor, Doctor I keep
thinking
I'm a nit
Will you get out of my hair!
- Doctor, Doctor I keep
thinking
I'm invisible
Who said that?
- Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing
double.
Please sit on the couch.
Which one!
- Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an
insect spinning around.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going
around !doc
- Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an
insect
spinning around.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going
around!
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking
I'm a frog
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking
I'm a nit
Will you get out of my hair !
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking
I'm God
When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then
the earth...
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm
a woodworm
How boring for you!
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm
God
When did this start ?
Well first I created the sun, then the
earth
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a
dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not
allowed up on the couch!
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a
mosquito
Go away, sucker!
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a
snake about to shed it's skin
Why don't you go behind the
screen and slip into something more
comfortable then !
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a
snake about to shed it's skin.
Why don't you go behind the
screen and slip into something more
comfortable then!
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a
vampire.
Necks please!
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a
spider
What a web of lies!
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there
is two
of me
One at a time please
- Doctor, Doctor I need something to
keep my falling hair in
What about a matchbox !
- Doctor, Doctor I need something to
keep my
falling hair in
What about a matchbox!
- Doctor, Doctor I snore so loud I
keep myself awake
Sleep in another room then!
- Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a
lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!
- Doctor, Doctor I think I need
glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm
an
electric eel
That's shocking!
- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a
butterfly
Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!
- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a
dog.
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a puppy!
- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a
yo-yo.
Are you stringing me along!
- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a
bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a
bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a
coach.
- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a
snail
Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell!
- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a python
You can't get round me just like that you know!
- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber
band
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell
me all
about it!
- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an adder
Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!
- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm turning
into a frog
Your just playing too much croquet!
- Doctor, Doctor I'm a
burglar!
Have you taken anything for it?
- Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar
!
Have you taken anything for it ?
- Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming
invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there!
- Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling
up!
Just simmer down!
- Doctor, Doctor I'm on a
diet and
it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh
dear, that's a lot of calories !
- Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and
it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh
dear, that's a lot of calories!
- Doctor, Doctor I've a split
personality
Well, you'd better both sit down then!
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