dog jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: dog jokes
- A Chihuahua was shopping in a mall when another
shopper
walked up to it and started talking.
Didn't I see you on
a TV commercial?
How am I supposed to know what you watch on TV?
- A hound dog and a dalmation were sitting in an
Internet cafe and the
dalmation said to the hound, "Hey, check out
my web site!" The hound
asked
for the address and the dalmation
responded,
"www.dalmation.dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot.
- A local business was
looking for office help.
They put a sign in the window, stating the
following: "HELP WANTED.
Must be able to type, must be good with a computer
and must be
bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time
afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign
and went inside.
He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then
walked over
to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the
receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the
dog and was surprised, to say the least. However,
the dog looked
determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the
dog jumped up
on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said,
"I can't
hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog
jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a
perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager
and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager
was
stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be
good with a
computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to
the computer. The dog proceeded
to enter and execute a perfect
program, that worked flawlessly the first
time.
By this time the
manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog
and said, "I
realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some
interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The
dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on
the
sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be
bilingual".
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said
"Meow".
- A man and his dog went into a pub. The barman said
"Sorry mate no
dogs allowed in here!" The dog said "Oh please
don't be like that,
I'm trained and I won't cause any trouble!" The
bar man was
astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with
the dog and it's owner.
After a while the owner went to the toilet
and the barman saw his
chance for a prank. He said to the dog
"Would you do me a favor as a wind
up, will you go down to my friends
bakers shop and order a loaf of
bread??" "Sure!" Replied the dog. The
bar man gave the dog a fiver and
the dog left.
When the
owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw
his dog
had gone. The barman said "It's ok he's gone down to the
bakery
for me" The owner was livid "It IS NOT OK he's never been out on
his
own, anything could happen to him he could get run over.
The
owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the
str
eets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming
from an
ally way, he went down and there was his dog having it's
wicked way
with a lady poodle. "ROVER!" Shouted the owner "You've had
me worried
sick, what's the matter with you you've never
dissapeared like this
before!" The dog replied "I've never had a fiver
before!"
- A man and his son were
shovelling the driveway
after a heavy snowfall when their dog, Lady, wandered
away from
them. Man, fearing the dog might be hit by car, shouted
angrily:
"Lady! Lady! Get over here right now!" The dog charged happily back
over
to them, accompanied by a commuter who had been standing at the
bus
stop. "Yes, sir, what can I do for you?" she asked.
- A man is
walking down the street when he hears
a voice, "Pssst you come over
here!" He looks round and can see no
one but an old mangy greyhound.
"yes over here!" Said the greyhound
"Look at me I'm tied up here, I
should be racing I won 14 races in
my carrer you know?" The man thought
to himself "Oh my god a
talking dog, I have to have it, it will make
me rich, tv appearances
cabaret bookings" So he goes in search of the
owner.
He found
the owner and said "I'd like to buy your dog, is he for
sale??" The
owner says "No mate you don't want that old moth eaten
thing!"
"But I do!" Insisted the man "I'lll give you 1000 pounds for
him. "Ok
said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!" Handing
over
the money the man said "Why do you think that?" The man replied
"Because that dogs a bloody liar it's never won a race in it's
life!"
- A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to
completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you
want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man
replied
"Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make
sure
there are no signs of any welcome!!"
- A man took his Rottweiler to the
vet and said
to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do
for it?"
"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the
dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.
"Well,"
says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just
because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.
"No, because he's heavy,"
says the vet.
- A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed
three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an
extraordinary
performance.
"That is a very smart dog," the man
commented.
"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every
time he
gets a good hand he wags his tail."
- A man was very proud of his guard
dog, he would
leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his
house was
guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your
big dog
outside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes
why?" She
said I'm sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared
the
man "What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the
woman. "A
Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard
dog?" "I
think it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman.
- Advertisement: Dog for sale. Really gentle. Eats
anything. Especially fond of children.
- Alsation: How come
you are always so well
behaved when you go on a walk with your master?
Chihuahua: It's the
leash I can do!
- Alsation: How did you find the fleas?
Beagle:
I didn't! They found me!
- Alsation: I'll see you shortly.
Chihuahua:
Okay, but don't call me "Shortly!"
- Alsation: Was your master playing catch with you?
Chihuahua: No, I was playing throw with her!
- Alsation: What is your
favorite holiday?
Chihuahua: Howloween!
- Alsation: Why do you like to go on camping
trips?
Chihuahua: I like to "ruff it!
- Dad, I spotted a Dalmatian!
No need to, it
already has its own spots!
- Every time I tell my English Setter to stop
barking, it
never does!
What does it do?
It just stands on its
back two legs and quotes Shakespeare!
What?
Yeah, it says, "To
bark or not to bark that is the question!" and
keeps on barking!
- Four workers
were discussing how smart their
dogs were. The first was an engineer
who said his dog could draw.
His dog's name was "T-Square", and he
told him to get some paper and
draw a square, a circle and a triangle,
which he did with no sweat.
The accountant said he thought his dog, "Balance", could do better.
He told him to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of
three, which he did with no problem.
The chemist said that was
a very good stunt, but that his dog,
"Apothecary", could do better
yet. He told his dog to get a quart of milk and
pour seven ounces
into a ten ounce glass. Apothecary did this without a
hitch.
All
three men agreed their dogs were equally smart. They turned to the
Civil Servant and asked him what his dog could do. The Civil Servant
called his dog, whose name was "Coffee break", and said, "Show the
fellows what you can do, old buddy." Coffee Break then stroll
ed over and
ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper,
screwed the other
three dogs and claimed he injured his back while
doing so. He then filed
a grievance for unsafe conditions, applied
for Workers' Compensation,
and left for home on sick leave.
- How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped
you to set up your computer?
With dog diskettes!
- How can if
you have a stupid dog ?
It
chases parked cars !
- How can you make a basset hound fast?
Take
away its food!
- How can you tell a dog from a tomato?
The
tomato is red.
- How can you tell a dog from an elephant?
The
elephant remembers.
- How did the Chihuahua disappear
on the road?
It was using a hide-'n-go-seekle!
- How did the dog feel when he lost his
flashlight?
Delighted.
- How did the dog get into the locked cemetery at
night?
He used a skeleton key.
- How did the dog make anti-freeze?
He stole her
blanket.
- How did the dog make anti-freeze?
He stole her
blanket.
- How did the dog make gold soup?
He put in 24
carrots.
- How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry
about having soap flakes for breakfast?
He foamed at the mouth.
- How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry
about
having soap flakes for breakfast?
He foamed at the mouth.
- How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a
monster ?
Terrier-fied !
- How do
you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a
melon ?
Melon-collie !
- How do you find your dog if
he's lost in the
woods ?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark !
- How do you keep a dog from barking in your
front yard?
Put him in your back yard.
- How do you make a dog
float?
Take two
scoops of ice cream, a couple of squirts of soda and a small
dog.
- How do you stop a dog smelling ?
Put a peg on
it's nose !
- How many hairs are in a dog's tail?
None. They
are all on the outside.
- How many seasons are there in a dogs life
?
Just one, the moulting season !
- I just spotted a Chihuahua!
That wasn't very
nice, you shouldn't draw on dogs!
- If a beagle can't play a bugle in the marching
band, what's his other favorite instrument to play?
A
trombone.
- My dog is great at math.
Really ?
Ask him
how much is two minus two.
But two minus two is nothing!
That's what he'll answer, nothing!
- Paul got off
the elevator on the 40th floor
and nervously knocked on his blind
date's door. She opened it and
was as beautiful and charming as everyone
had said.
"I'll be
ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play
with Rollo
while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls
over, shakes
hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll
jump
through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started
rolling over. Paul
made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through
-- and over the
balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed
to me."
- Q. What did the dog say when he sat on
sand
paper?
A. "Rough rough".
- Q.Why is a dog scared of a fire?
A.It doesn't
want to become a hot dog.
- Q:
What do you say to a dog before he eats? -
A: Bone appetite!
- Q:
Why does a dog wag it's tail? - A: No one
else will do it for them
- Q: How did bulldogs get such flat
noses? - A:
From chasing cars.
- Q: How do you get a dog to stop
barking in the
back seat of a car? - A: Put him in the front seat.
- Q: What
happened when the dog went to the flea
circus? - A: It stole the
show!
- Q: What did the puppy say when he sat on sand
paper? - A:
RUFF!
- Q: What goes "krab, krab, krab"? - A: A dog
barking in a
mirror.
- Q: What has got four legs and an arm?
- A: A
Rottweiler in a playground.
- Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? - A: A
Bloodhound.
- Q: What side of the dog has the most fur? - A: The
Outside.
- Q: What's got four legs and no ears?
A: Mike
Tyson's dog.
- Q: When is a strange dog
most likely to go
into your house? - A: When the door is open.
- Q: When's the best time to take your doberman
pinscher for a
walk? - A: Anytime he wants to go.
- Q: Why did the dog cross the road? - A: Because it
was the chickens day off.
- Q: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? - A: So
that they didn't
have to bend down to pet it.
- Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground? - A:
Because you can't bury them in the sky!
- Q: Why is a dog's nose in the middle of
it's
face? - A: Because it's the scenter.
- Small girl: I'd buy that dog, but
his legs
are too short! Clerk: Too short ? Why, all four of them touch
the
floor.
- The front door
was accidentally left open and
our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully
whistling and calling, my
husband got in the car and went looking for
him. He drove around the
neigbourhood for some time with no luck. Finally
he stopoed beside
a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen
our dog. "You
mean the one following your car?" they asked.
- Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by
boat and one says to
the other, "I hear
that the occupants of
this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her
companion replies, "but
if we shall live in America, we might as well do
as the Americans
do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points
to a hot dog
vendor and they both walk toward him. "Two dogs,
please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both
hot dogs
in oil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to
unwrap
their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers.
Staring
at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers
cautiously, "What part did you get?"
- Two women, who are dog owners,
are arguing
which dog is smarter.
First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he
waits for the
paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper
and brings it to me.
Second woman: I know.
First one:
How?
Second one: My dog told me.
- Upon
entering the little country store, the
stranger noticed a sign saying;
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the
glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the
floor besides
the cash register.
He asked the store
manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to
beware of?"
"Yep,
that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be
amused. "That certainly doesn't
look like a dangerous dog to me. Why
in the world would you post that
sign?"
"Because," the
owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people
kept tripping over
him."
- What artistic dog
chews a lot and follows the
rules of the farm where it lives?
A Chihuahua that can draw and
gnaw while obeying the law and lying on
straw!
- What did the angry man sing
when he found his
slippers chewed up by the new puppy ?
"I must throw that doggie out
the window !"!
- What did the cowboy say when the bear ate
Lassie?
"Well, doggone !"
- What did the dog do when the panhandler
put
the bite on him?
Bit him, naturally.
- What did the dog do with the history
professor?
They got together and talked over old times.
- What did the dog get when he multiplied 497 by
684?
The wrong answer.
- What did the dog say to the pig?
You are just a
bore.
- What did the dog say when he chased his
tail?
This is the end.
- What did the dog take when he was run down?
The
license number of the car that hit him.
- What did the dog use to
make his
kite?
Flypaper.
- What did the dog use to make his
kite?
Flypaper.
- What did the elephant say when it saw the
Chihuahuas coming down the road?
Look out for the mice!
- What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a
meal ?
That hit the spots !
- What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a
meal
?
That hit the spots !
- What do dogs have that
no other animal has
?
Puppy dogs !
- What do you
call a litter of young dogs who
have come in from the snow ?
Slush puppies !
- What do you
get if you cross a labrador and a
tortoise ?
A dog that will run to the shop to get your paper and
bring back last
weeks paper !
- What do you call a black Eskimo dog ?
A dusky
husky !
- What do you call a black Eskimo dog ?
A dusky
husky !
- What do you call a boring
dog?
A
dull-mation!
- What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater
?
A plain clothes police dog !
- What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy
road ?
A mutt in a rut !
- What do you call a dog with no legs ?
It
doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come !
- What do you call a happy Lassie ?
A jolly
collie !
- What do you call a nutty dog in Australia ?
A
dingo-ling !
- What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell
tall stories ?
A shaggy dogs tale !
- What do you call an alcoholic dog ?
A whino
!
- What do you call an alcoholic dog ?
A whino
!
- What do you do when a Chihuahua sneezes?
Get a
small hankie!
- What do you get if cross two young dogs with a
pair
of headphones ?
Hush puppies !
- What do you get if you
cross a dog and a sheep
?
A sheep that can round itself up !
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