ethnic jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: ethnic jokes
- "Helga, tell me something. Why
do Swedish
men always have stupid grins on their faces?"
"Because they're
stupid," said her friend.
- "Where's your pencil, Bud?" the teacher
asked an American boy who had just come to school in Britain.
"I
ain't got one, Sir."
"You're in England.now, Bud. Not ain't,
haven't. I haven't got a
pencil. You haven't got a pencil. They
haven't got a pencil."
"Gee!" said Bud. "Pop said things were tough in
this country, but I
didn't know pencils were so hard to come by."
- A
Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are
viewing a painting of Adam and Eve
frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be
British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're
naked, and so
beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No
clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an
apple
to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are
Russian."
- A black guy walks into
a tavern with a
parrot on his shoulder...the
bartender looks up and says " where the
hell did you get that thing?
The Parrot replies " Over in Africa,
there's millions of them "
!!!!
- A boy comes home from school and tells his
mother that he got a part in
the school play. "What part?" the
mother asked.
"I play a Jewish husband," the boy replied.
"Go back
to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking
role!"
- A boy from France
comes to America. He
wants to learn some new words so he goes to the
airport and learns
"take off." Then he learnes "zebra" from the zoo and
"baby" from the
hospital. Then he goes home and says, ''Mommy, I
learned new words
today.'' She says, "Great, honey what did you
learn?" He says,
''Takeoffzebrababy!''
- A Brit, a Frenchman and a
Russian are
viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of
Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must
be
British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked,
and so
beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no
shelter," the
Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and
they're
being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
- A cop pulled up
two Irish drunks, and asked
to the first, "What's your name and
address?"
"I'm Paddy
O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the
second drunk,
and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I
live in
the flat above Paddy."
- A family was visiting an Indian
reservation
when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in
the
middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the
blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was
doing.
The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three
kids, one
barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon,
traveling at 65
m.p.h."
"That's amazing" exclaimed the father.
"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?
"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes
ago"!
- A French guy, an American guy and a Cuban guy
are standing on a cliff. The French guy throws a case of fine wine
off
the cliff. ''Why did you do that?''asked the other men.
''We have
plenty of fine wine in France,'' said the man. Next, the
Cuban guy
throws a box of fine cigars off the cliff. ''Why did
you do that?''
asked the other men. ''We have plenty of cigars in
Cuba,'' said the
Cuban man. Finally, the American man pickes up
the Cuban man and
throw' him off the cliff. ''What did you do
that for?'' asked the French
man. ''We have plenty of Cubans in
America,'' answered the American
man.
- A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker
were captured by
cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad
news is that now
we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We
will put you in a pot,
cook you, eat you and then we're going to
use your skins to build a
canoe. The good news is that you can
choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief
gives him a sword,
the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs
himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please."
The chief gives him a
pistol, the Englishman points it at his head
and says, "God save the
queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he
shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts
jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest,
everywhere.
There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The
chief is
appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"
And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid
cannibal!
- A Jewish
father has two kids who want to
sell lemonade on the street
corner for 15 cents a glass. He figures
he'll spend about 3 bucks on
the
ingredients, the kids will
sell maybe 10 glasses and then drink the
rest
and get stomach
aches. His eventual response:
"Go stand on the corner for two hours
and come back, I'll give
you two dollars. Everybody wins."
- A long time ago, Britain and France were at
war.
During one battle, The French captured an English
major.
Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to
question him.
The French general asked, "Why do you English
officers all wear red
coats? Don't you know the red material makes
you easier targets for us
to shoot at?"
In his bland
English way, the major informed the general that the
reason English
officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the
blood won't
show and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why
from that day to now, all French Army officers wear
brown pants.
- A man once asked Gandhi what he thought
of
western civilization.
Ghandi replied, ''I think it would be a
good idea.''
- A prominent Polish scientist conducted very
important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a
verbal
command ("Jump!").
In a first stage of experiment he
removed flea's leg, told her to
jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote
in his scientific notebook: "Upon
removing one leg all flea organs
function properly."
So, he removed the second leg, asked the
flea to jump, she obeyed, so
he wrote again: "Upon removing the second
leg all flea organs function
properly."
Thereafter he
removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when
ordered, so he wrote
again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs
function
properly."
Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing
happened.
He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the
experiment several
times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he
wrote the conclusion:
"Upon removing the last leg the flea loses
sense of hearing"
- A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman
were
sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The
Englishman says,
''There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord
buys you a
drink for every that you buy.'' The Scot is not
impressed and says,
''That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you
buy a drink the
landlord buys you five.'' At this point the
Englishman is fairly
impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says
''That's nothing. In
Dublin there's this pub where the landlord
buys your drinks all night, and
then when the bar shuts he takes
you into a room and makes love to
you.'' The Scot and Englishman
are well impressed and ask if the Irishman
goes there a lot. He
replies ''No, but my sister told me about
it.''
- A Texan, a Russian, and
a New Yorker go
into a restaurant in London.
''Excuse me, but if you wanted the
steak you might not get one as
there is a shortage due to the mad
cow disease,'' says the waiter.
The Texan says, ''What's a
shortage?''
The Russian says, ''What's a steak?''
The New Yorker says, ''What's excuse me?''
- A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself
in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by
the
Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that
building
there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The
Royal
York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan.
"About 12
years" replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build 'em
twice as high, twice as wide and four times
as long down in Texas,
and we do that in six months."
A while later the cab driver
makes his was past the Metro-Toronto
Convention Centre. "What's that
building over there?" asked the Texan.
"That's the Metro-Toronto
Convention Centre" replied the cabbie.
"Convention Centre? How
long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan.
"About three years"
replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em
twice as high, three
times as long and four times as wide as that down
in Texas, and
it only takes us about two weeks."
Shortly thereafter the
cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that
building there?" asks
the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I
know" replied the
cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by
yesterday."
- A tourist from the United
States of America
is at a resturant
in Havana. He tells the waiter that the USA is the
best
country in the world because of the freedoms it has. He
says,
"Take Freedom of Speech for example. I could stand in front
of the
White House in Washington D.C. and yell 'President
Clinton is a
bastard!' and nothing would be done to me." The
Cuban waiter replies,
"We have that same freedom in Cuba. I
could stand in front of El
Capital and yell the same thing and
nothing would be done to me
too!"
- A US
Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal
alien in the bushes right by the
border fence, he pulls him out and
says "Sorry, you know the law, you've
got to go back across the
border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo
Senior, I must stay in de
USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol
Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard
for him and says
"Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words
in a
sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol
Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and
Yellow. Now use
them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for
about 2 minutes, then says,
"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green,
Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez
Yellow?"
- A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal
alien in the
bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and
says "Sorry, you
know the law, you've got to go back across the
border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo
Senior, I must stay in de
USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol
Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard
for him and says
"Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words
in a
sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol
Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and
Yellow. Now use
them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for
about 2 minutes, then says,
"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green,
Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez
Yellow?"
- A visitor from
Holland was chatting with
his American friend and was jokingly explaining
about the red, white
and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our
taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk
about them, white when we get
our tax bill, and blue after we pay
them."
"That's the
same with us," the American said, "only we see stars,
too."
- A visitor from Holland was
chatting with
his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red,
white
and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our
taxes,"
he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get
our
tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with
us," the American said, "only we see stars,
too."
- A White man explaining to a Mexican man says
that there are three
words the Mexican needs to know in order to be
all right in the city: The
White man says these words are: green,
pink, and yellow. Then the White
man says ''Now tell me a sentence
using all three words.'' The
Mexican says ''I hear de telephona
ah greena greena, I pink up de phona
and say ah yellow?"
- An
American man, a Russian man, and an
African man were all up in a
hot-air balloon together. After a few
minutes, the Russian man put his hand
down through the clouds. "Aaah!"
he said. "We're right over my
homeland."
"How can you
tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air." he
replied.
A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds.
"Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.
"How do you
know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of
the
desert."
Several more hours later the American put his hand through the
clouds.
"Aah, we're right over New York."
The Russian and the
African were amazed. "How do you know all of
that?" they
exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."
- An American
tourist in Moscow found himself
needing to get rid of a large supply of
garbage from his recent
stay at an apartment. After a long search, he
just couldn't find any
place to discard of it. So, he just went down
one of the side
streets to dump it there.
Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police
officer, who said, "Hey you,
what are you doing?"
"I have to
throw this away," replied the tourist.
"You can't throw it away
here. Look, follow me," the policeman
offered.
The police
officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty
flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "dump all
the
garbage you want."
The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of
garbage, and dumps them
right on the flowers.
"Thanks for
giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of
you. Is this
Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.
"No. This is the Amer
ican Embassy."
- An American businessman goes to Japan on a
business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at
his
hotel if there's any place around where he can get American
food. The
concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place
that just
opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the
businessman the phone
number, and he goes back to his room and orders a
pizza. Thirty minutes
later, the delivery guy shows up to the door
with the pizza. The
businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing
uncontrollably. He asks the
delivery man, ''What the heck did you
put on this pizza?'' The
delivery man bows deeply and says,
''We put on the pizza what you ordered,
pepper only.''
- An American tourist was visiting a quaint
country village, and got talking to a farmer in the local pub. "And have
you
lived here all your life, Sir?" asked the American.
"Not
yet, m'dear," said the farmer wisely.
- An American, a
Jew and a Canadian were in a
terrible car accident. They were all
brought to the same emergency
room, but all three of them died before they
arrived. Just as they
were about to put the toe tag on the American, he
stirred and
opened his eyes.
Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him
what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash,
and then there was
a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the
Jew and I were
standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter
approached us and said that we were
all too young to die, and that for a
donation of $50, we could return
to the earth. So, of course, I pulled
out my wallet and gave him the
$50, and the next thing I knew I was
back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But
what happened to
the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied
the American, "the Jew was haggling over
the price and the
Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for
his!"
- An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the
first
time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand
Emir
was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries,
cheeses,
salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his
manservant Abdul to
fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would
scamper off and
return with a glass of water, but then came the
time when he returned
empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel,
where is my water?
demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O
Illustrious One, stammered the
wretched Abdul, white man sit on
well.
- An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were
without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics
but
hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was
very
tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a
stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the
Englishman came upon
construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing
a length of
scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said,
"Johnson, the pole
vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman,
overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When
he came up
with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and
said,
"McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed
the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give
up when he spotted
his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he
presented himself
at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
- An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are
wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they
come
upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the
Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club,
so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat
the
heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I
seem to have lost my
appetite."
- An Englishman, Frenchman,
Mexican, and Texan
were flying across country on a small plane when the
pilot comes on
the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical
problems and
the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of
you to
open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
The four
open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep
breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets
really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and
he also
jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo"
and
he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
- An insect falls into a mug of beer.
English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.
American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer.
Chinese
Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the
insect to the Chinese and the beer to the
Englishman and buys
himself a new mug of beer.
Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of
throwing the insect into his mug,
relates the issue to Kashmir, asks
the Chinese for military aid and
takes a loan to buy another mug of
beer.
- An Irishman joined the
American Air Force
and was making his first parachute jump. The
instructor said,
"When you jump out of the plane, shout Geronimo and pull the
ripcord."
When the Irishman woke up in hospital a few days later the first
thing
he said was, "What was the name of that Indian again?"
- An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were
driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They
all
decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had
passed 50
miles back) to get some help.
A rancher was sitting
on his front porch that evening when he saw the
white guy top the
horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that
the white guy
was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within
hearing
distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring
a
glass of water through the desert?"
The white guy explained his
predicament and explained that since he had
a long way to go, he might
get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying
the water.
A
little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward
him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the
rancher again.
As before, the black guy explained the s
ituation and said that since he
had a long way to go, he might get
hungry and that's why he had the
bread.
Finally the
Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand.
More curious
than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging
that car
door?"
"Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too
hot,
I'll roll down the window."
- An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow
are
hired at a construction site.
The foreman points to a huge
pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,
"You're in charge of
sweeping." To the Scotsman, he says, "You're
in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge
of supplies."
The
foreman then shrugs his beefy shoulders and says, "Now, I have to
leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a good dent in that
pile of sand by the time I get back."
A few hours later when
the foreman returns, he sees that the pile of
sand is still
untouched.
Pointing to the pile of sand, the forman says to the
Italian, "Why
didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in
a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom. You tella
the Chinesea guy he
inna charge of a supplies, but hea disappeara, and I
coulda no finda
him!"
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks, "
Didn't I tell you
to shovel that sand?"
The Scotsman
replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did, laddie, but I
couldna get
meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinee in charge of supplies,
but I
couldna find him!"
The foreman is really angry now and storms off
toward the pile of sand,
looking for the Chinese guy.
Just
then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and
yells, "SUPPLIES!"
- An old Indian lined up all of
his 10 little
Indian sons and stood in front of them.
He then asked, "Who push
port-a-potty over cliff?"
Nobody answered him.
He then
asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
Again nobody
answered.
The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie
father.
Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big
Georgie no punish."
So the Indian asked again,
"Who push
port-a-potty over cliff?"
To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push
port-a-potty over
cliff."
The old Indian then shakes and
spanks him, for his punishment. When he
is done, the little Indian
asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get
punish. I tell truth, I get
punished. Why you punish, father?"
The old Indian replied, "Big
Georgie not in cherry tree when it got
chopped down!!!"
- An old Native American wanted a loan for $500.
He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan
application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.
"What
have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going
strictly by
the book.
"Don't know of collateral."
"Well that's
something of value that would cover the cost of the
loan. Have you got
any vehicles?"
"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."
The
banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a
horse."
"How old is it?"
"I don't know; it has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a
roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the
entire amount including interest.
"What are you going to
do with the rest of that money?"
"Put it in my pocket."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.
"I don't
know of deposit."
"Well, you put the money in our bank and we
take care of it for you.
When you want to use it you can withdraw
it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously
at the
banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"
- At the Russian War College, the general is a
guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will
focus
on potential problems and the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,
"Will we have to fight a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades,
looks like you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our
enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood
is that it will be China."
The class looks alarmed, and finally
one officer asks, "But Comrade
General, we are 150 million people
and they are about 1.5 billion. How
can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is
not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in
the
Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs,
and the
Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir
," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough jews"?
- Canada, in view of recent events, will be
changing the maple leaf on the flag to a marijuana plant.
That
way, the people of Quebec will have good reason to burn the
flag.
- Did you hear about the Jewish doctor who gave a
patient six months to live?
When the patient couldn't pay, the
doctor gave him another six
months.
- Did you hear about the man who was half
Jewish & half Italian?
He made himself an offer he couldn't
understand.
- Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar
Alabama State Lottery?
3 dollars a year for a million years.
- Do you know why Eskimos always do their laundry
in tide?
Because it's too cold out-tide!
- Do you know why the baby Jesus wasn't born in
Iowa?
They couldn't find three wise men!!!
- Four Mexicans were in an open truck that had
run
into the lake.The two
in the front seat escaped unharmed, but
the two in the back bed drowned
-
they couldn't get the
tailgate open!
- Have you heard about the
latest Polish
parachute?
It opens on impact.
- How do Jewish
people celebrate
Christmas?
They all gather around their cash registers and sing
"What a
Friend We Have In Jesus..."
- How do we know that Joan of Arc was French
?
She was maid in France !
- How do we know the Indians were the first
people in North America?
They had reservations.
- How do you play Iraqi bingo?
F18...B52...F18
- How do you separate the Greek boys from the
Greek
men at a Greek BBQ?
With a Crowbar!!!!!
- How do you stop a taliban tank ?
Shoot
the Guy Pushing it
- How does every ethnic joke start?
By
looking over your shoulder.
- How many Serbs does in take to change a
Lighbulb?
It doesn't matter..Theres a Blackout!
- If you take an Oriental person and spin
him
around several times, does he become disoriented?
- Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying.
Details
to follow."
- O'Connell was staggering home with a
pint
of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
- Once a Sardarji (a caste man in India ) goes
to visit a
temple on a top of Mt. Abu, where the roads are like a
zig-zag.
At the starting point towards the Temple, a man tells Sardarji
that it
will be better to take his car in reverse to the top of Mt.
Abu as
there will be no space at the top to turn around up there.
So, as per the guidelines given by the man, The Sardarji, goes to
the
top of Mt. Abu in reverse.
After sometime the Sardarji
comes down of the hill in reverse..
When the man sees him, he
asks the Sardarji why he came down the hill
in a reverse gear.
The Sardarji replies that he got some space at the top of the hill
so
he reversed his car.
- Once there were two chinese
gentlemen named
Mr. Ho and Mr. Chen. They were neighbors but happened to be
very
competitive. One day Mr. Ho decided to start a shoe business, he
named his store WE DO SHOE. now Mr. Chen decided he must compete with Mr.
Ho, so he started a shoe business right next door to Mr. Ho's store
and
he named it SHOE DO WE.
- Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God
went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel
found
him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?". God sighed a deep
sigh of
satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds;
look my
child, look what I've just finished making. Archangel
Michael looked
puzzled and said what is it? God replied, "its another
planet, but this
time, I' ve decided to put LIFE on it. I've named
it earth and
there's going to be a balance between evertyhing on
it.
For example, there's North America and South America. North
America is
going to be rich and South America is going to be poor,
and the narrow
bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot.
Now look over here.
I've put a continent of white people in the
North and another one of
black people in the South".
And then
the archangel said, "and what's that long white line
there?"
And God said "ahhh that's the land of the long white cloud -
Aotearoa - (New Zealand) that's a very special place. That's going to be
the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful mountains, lakes,
rivers,
streams and an exquisite coastline. These people here are going
to be
modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be fond
of travelling
the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard
working and high
achieveing. And I'm going to give them this
superhuman, undefeatable rugby
team which will be blessed with the most
talented, and charasmatic
specimens on the planet, and they will be
admired and feared by all who come
across them". Michael the archangel
gasped in wonder and admiration
but then seeming startled
proclaimed, "hold on a second, what about the
BALANCE, you said ther was
going to be a balance....."
God replied wisely, "wait until you see
the neighbours I'm going to
give them".
- Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3
astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, One was Russian and
the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of
baggage each. The American decided to take along his wife, the
Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German
whilst the
Russian decided to take along cigarettes. Two years later,
when the
space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to
welcome them home.
First came the American and his wife and each of
them had a baby in
their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking
fluent German. They both
gave their speeches and got a rousing round of
applause. Suddenly, out
came the Russian with a cigarette in his
mouth. He walked up to the
podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked
"Has anyone got a friggin'
match?"
- One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him
what he
wanted him to do.
After God had briefed him on his
mission, the minister decided to ask
him a question.
"God,"
he said, "What is heaven like?"
God replied, "Well, normally I
don't tell people this, but since you
are my servant, I guess I
can tell you. Heaven will be like a city. It
will have the best of
everything. For example, the French will be the
chefs; the Italians
will be the lovers; the English will be the
policeman; the Germans
will be the mechanics; and the Dutch will be the
politicians!"
The man looked pleased. "What is hell like?" he
asked.
"Well," he said with a sigh, "the French will be the mechanics; the
Italians will be the politicians; the English will be the chefs; the
Germans will be the policemen; and the Dutch will be the lovers."
- One Scot came back from work earlier then usual
and saw plumber's car in the front of the house.
- Oh my God, I
hope it is her lover.
- Only in America do we chain $2.00 ink pens to
the counter
but leave our $58,000 cars out in the driveway.
- Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner
when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Paddy shouted,
"Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured
Mick. "Next to the Strong
Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and
Oi'll pull ye right
out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and
pulled and pulled to no
avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts,
Mick said to Paddy,
"Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong
Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe,
but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will
help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
- Pat and
Mick landed themselves a job at a
sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat
yelled: "Mick! I lost me
finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...
Darn!
There goes another one!"
- Q:
Did you hear about the Jewish Santa
Claus?
A: He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and
says,
"Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?"
- Q:
Did you hear about the Polak who married
an Amish woman?
A: He drove her buggy.
- Q:
How many Canadians does it take to
change a lightbulb ?
A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study
committee to decide how
to solve the problem, one Francophone to
complain that I didn't
translate this joke into French, one Native
Canadian to protest that the
interests of Native Canadians have been
overlooked, one woman from the
National Action Committee On the Status
Of Women to say that women have been
underrepresented in the
process, one to go over the border to the
Niagara Falls Factory Outlet
Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it
on the way back, one
to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on
the whole procedure
so the government can afford it, one to buy a case
of Molson for
everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.
- Q:
How many Italian-Americans does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: I dunno exactly, but my brothers
girlfriends fathers boss
secretary's sister's next door neighbors'
priest's cousin's union shop
steward's uncle's Knights Of
Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's best
friend did it real cheap for
me once.
- Q:
What would you call an Arab who owns a
harem of cows?
A: A milk sheik!
- Q:
What's the highest position in the
Greek Navy?
A: Rear Admiral!
- Q:
Why do Polish names end in "ski" ?
A:
Because they can't spell tobbagan.
- Q: Did you hear about the
Mexico City
earthquake?
A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.
- Q: Did you hear about the
Polak who thought
his wife was trying to
kill him?
A: On her dressing table he
found a bottle of "Polish Remover".
- Q: Did you hear about the man who was Polishing
the flagpole?
A: He varnished into thin air!
- Q: Did you know they are taking out all the
K-Marts in Afghanistan?
A: They are putting in TARGETS!!!
- Q: Do you know why the new football stadium
they built in
Warsaw could
not be used?
A: No matter where you
sat you were behind a Pole.
- Q: Have you heard about the new
Iraqi Air
Force exercise program?
A: Each morning you raise your hands
above your head and leave them
there.
- Q: Have you seen the
polish mine
detector.
A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with
your foot.
- Q: How
many Canadians does it take to
change a lightbulb ? Q: How many Canadians
does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
- Q: How
many Ethiopians does it take to
change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to squabble
over who gets to eat the
packaging.
- Q: How
many retarded Italian gardeners does
it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but don't expect
results.
- Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A:
He's the one with patches over both eyes.
- Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so
fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were
leaving.
- Q: How do you get a German out of the bath?
A: Turn on the water.
- Q: How do you get a Polak out of the
bath
tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
- Q: How do you know
you're flying over
Poland?
A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.
- Q: How do you sink a
Polish ship?
A:
Put it in water.
- Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A:
Knock on the hatch.
- Q: How do you stop a Polish army on
horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.
- Q: How do you take census in a Polish
village?
A: Roll a quarter down the street, count the legs, divide by two,
and
subtract one for the Jew who catches it.
- Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old
enough to marry?
A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is
over the top, she's old
enough.
If it isn't, cut the barrel
down a bit.
- Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a
Polish wedding?
A: He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.
- Q: How is Christmas celebrated in a Jewish
home?
A: They put parking meters on the roof!
- Q: How many
Chinamen does it take to change
a lightbulb?
A: Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make
light work.
- Q: How many
Russians does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: That's a military secret.
- Q: How many Americans does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was
burned out (in
states that still have car-inspection laws.)
A:
Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light
bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.
A: 250,000,000, one to
change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it
it was politically
correct.
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