farmer jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: farmer jokes
- "Tell me," said the hiker to the
local
farmer, "will this pathway take me to the main road?"
"No, sir,"
replied the farmer, "you'll have to go by yourself!"
- A
farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is
trying to hold the farm together
until her husband can get out.
She's not, however, very good at farm
work, so she writes a letter to
him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want
to plant the potatoes. When
is the best time to do it?"
The farmer writes back: "Honey,
don't go near that field. That's
where all my guns are
buried."
But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So
when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the
farm
and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two
full
days of digging, they don't find one single
weapon.
The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should
plant the potatoes."
- A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad
in a lawsuit filed by
an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was
missing from the section
through which the railroad passed. The
rancher only wanted to be paid
the fair value of the bull.
The
case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in
the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the
railroad immediately cornered the rancher and
tried to get him to settle
out of court. The lawyer did his best selling
job, and finally the
rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the
rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young
lawyer
couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the
rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one
over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was
asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went thr
ough your
ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on
the stand. I
bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well,
I'll tell you, young feller, I was a
little worried about winning
that case myself, because that durned bull
came home this
morning."
- A bus load of politicians were driving down a
country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off
the road
and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's
field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then
proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days
later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and
asked
the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied,
"Well, some of them said they weren't, but
you know how them
politicians lie."
- A clergyman walking down a
country lane and
sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a
cart after
it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why
don't you rest a
moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No
thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like
it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to
a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man
protested that his father would be upset. Losing
his patience, the
clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave
driver. Tell me
where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my
mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of
hay."
- A farm boy was drafted. On his first furlough,
his Father
asked him what he thought of Army life.
"It's
pretty good Pa. The food's not bad, the work's easy but best
of
all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning."
- A farmer
was interviewing a young man for
the job of assistant farmhand.
`You'll need to be fit,' said
the farmer. `Have you ever had any
illnesses? Any
accidents?'
'No, sir,' replied the young man proudly. `But you're on crutches.
You must have had an accident!' said the farmer.
`Oh, the
crutches!' said the young man. `A bull tossed me last week.
But
that wasn't an accident! He did it on purpose!'
- A farmer and his brand new bride were
riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the
older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's
once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The
farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old
horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but
reached under the seat, pulled out
a shotgun and shot the
horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to
do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
- A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a
stroll
in the fields when they came across a cow and a
calf rubbing
noses.
"Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to
do
the same."
"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your
cow."
- A farmer in the country has a watermelon
patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have
been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways
to discourage this profit-eating situation.
So he puts up a sign
that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS
CONTAINS
CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night
without
eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the
watermelon patch a week later to discover
that none of the watermelons
have been eaten, but finds another sign that
reads: "NOW THERE ARE
TWO!"
- A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But,
as time
went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run
over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the
sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of
these
people driving so fast and killing all of my
chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care,
just do something about those drivers!"
So the next day he had
the county workers go out and erect a sign that
said: SLOW: SCHOOL
CROSSING
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said,
"You've got
to do something about these drivers. The 'school
crossing' sign seems
to make them go faster."
So, again, the
sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a
new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
And that really sped them up. So the f
armer called and called and
called everyday for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs
are doing no good. Is it all
right for me to put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure
thing, put up your own sign." He was
going to let the farmer do
just about anything in order to have him stop
calling. Well, the
sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.
Three weeks after the
farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call
him. "How's the problem
with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did.
And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've
got to go.
I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.
The sheriff thought to
himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's
house and look at that
sign... There might be something there that WE could
use to slow
down drivers."
So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and
he saw the sign.
It was a whole sheet of plywood. And writte
n in large yellow letters
were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY
- A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned
farm
with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields
were grown
over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the
fences were
broken down. During his first day of work, the town
preacher stops by to
bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God
work together to make
this the farm of your dreams!" A few months
later, the preacher stops
by again to call on the farmer. Lo and
behold, it's a completely
different place. The farm house is
completely rebuilt and in excellent
condition, there is plenty of cattle and
other livestock happily munching on
feed in well-fenced pens, and
the fields are filled with crops planted
in neat rows. "Amazing!"
the preacher says. "Look what God and you
have accomplished
together!" "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but
remember what the farm was
like when God was working it alone!"
- A farmer was milking his cow. He was just
starting to get a good rhythm
going when a bug flew into the barn and
started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's
ear. The farmer didn't think much
about it, until the bug squirted
out into his bucket. It went in one ear
and out the udder.
- A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving
down the road, when
the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a
farmhouse nearby, the farmer
informed them that he had only one spare
room, and that it had only two
twin beds.
They were welcome
to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn.
After much
discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few
moments later, a
knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that
there was a
cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly
sleep in the barn with a cow.
Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few
moments later, a knock on the
door. The rabbi explained that there
was a pig in the barn and that he,
being very orthodox, could not
possibly spend the evening in the barn
with the origin of
pork.
Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments
later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the p
ig!
- A husband and wife were driving down a country
lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch
in
the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of
trying to get
the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming
down the
lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer
stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to
pull the car
out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes
later the
car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You
know,
you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The
husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the
farmer,
"When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the
young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the
water in
the hole."
- A husband and wife were driving down a country
lane on
their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy
hollow in the road
and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of
trying to get the car
out by themselves, they saw a young farmer
coming down the lane, driving
some oxen before him.
The farmer
stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to
pull the
car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes
later
the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You
know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the
farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the
water in the hole."
- A jogger running down a country road
is
startled as a horse yells at him "Hey-come over hear buddy". The
jogger
is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing
and asks"Were you talking to me"? The horse replies"Sure was, man
I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this
farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it.
Why
don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me.
I'll
make you some money cause I can still run." The jogger
thought to
himself,"boy a talking horse" Dollar signs started appearing
in his head.
So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting
on the porch. The
jogger tells the farmer"Hey man I'll give you
$5,000 for that old
broken down nag you've got in the field". The
farmer replies"Son you
can't believe anything that horse says-He's
never even been to
Kentucky.
- A lone tourist who is passing through the
suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical
problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks
the
car by the side of the road and waits for help.
Not
much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm
animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to
explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where
they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it
so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so
engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of
road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the
possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car,
but
unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road.
The tourist
winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs
and a broken arm
and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm
animals are all
messed up very badly and the farmer, although
remaining inside the vehicle,
still suffers cuts and scrapes.
The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.
The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These
chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!"
bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and
blows
away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are
all lame and bleeding profusely.
"These pigs are all worthless now!
I'll get nothing for them!" yells
the farmer. With great rage, the
farmer reloads his shotgun and blows
away the pigs.
The
farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their
wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and wit
h
that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great
horror.
The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch
and looks at the
tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the
farmer.
"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled
back.
- A man from the city is out plowing his field
and
gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.
A farmer driving
by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over
the city
feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.
"Where can
I buy one?" he is asked.
Well, I just happened to have one for
100 dollars he says.
"I'll take him," says the other man as he
counts out the money.
I can't bring him over today. I don't
work on Sunday morrow OK?
"Sure."
The next day the truck
pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says,
"sorry, bad
news."
I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.
The city
feller says just give me my money back then.
"Can't, spent it
already!"
"Well... unload the mule then."
"What ya gonna do
with him?"
"Raffle him off!"
"Naw, ya cant raffle off a
dead mule!"
"Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tri
cks."
One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into
each other at
the barber shop.
"What did ya do with that
dead mule?"
"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each
and made 98
dollars profit."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"
- A man is driving down a country road, when he
spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He
pulls
the car over to the side of the road and notices that the
farmer is just
standing there, doing nothing, looking at
nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and
asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The
farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks
the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .
to people who are out
standing in their field."
- A man was driving down a quiet country lane when
out
into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared
under
the car. A cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at
the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A
farmer appeared. The man,
somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your
rooster, please allow me
to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can
go join the other
chickens that are around the back."
- A man's car stalled on a country
road one
morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and
stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,"
said
the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road
until he met a
farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his
story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked
the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't
listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't
know a thing about
cars."
- A New York City yuppie moved to the
country
and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and
livestock
store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up
chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a
lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean
business," the
city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I
need another 100 chicks,"
he said. "Boy, you are serious about this
chicken farming," the man
told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie
replied. "If I can iron out a few problems."
"Problems?" asked the
proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I
think I planted that last
batch too close together."
- A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by
her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The
farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new
mother-in-law, hoping
that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic
relationship. All to no
avail though, as she kept nagging them at every
opportunity, demanding
changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally
making life unbearable
to the farmer and his new bride.
While
they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection,
the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in
the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter
their
feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service
a few days later, the farmer stood near the
casket and greeted
folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that
whenever a woman would
whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head
yes a
nd say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the
farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a
reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the
farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women
would say, 'What a terrible tragedy'
and I would nod my head and
say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then
ask, 'Can I borrow that
mule?' and I would shake my head and say,
'Can't. It's all
booked up for a year.'"
- A retiring farmer in preparation for selling
his
land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every
house in his
town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he
gave a horse. To the houses
where the woman is the boss, a chicken
was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple
outside gardening.
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown
horse," the farmer said, "which
one would you like?"
The man
thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get
the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken."
said the farmer.
- A Texan farmer goes
to Australia for a
vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets
talking. The Aussie
shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have
wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk
around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that
are at least
twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile,
almost died when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through
the field. He asks, "And what are
those"?
The Aussie asks
with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any
grasshoppers in
Texas"?
- A Texan farmer goes to Australia
for a
vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The
Aussie
shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have
wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk
around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that
are at least
twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile,
almost died when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through
the field. He asks, "And what are
those"?
The Aussie asks
with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any
grasshoppers in
Texas"?
- A very zealous soul-winning young preacher
recently came upon
a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about
the farmer's soul
the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in
the vineyard of the
Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at
the preacher and continuing his work the farmer
replied, "Naw, these
are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are
you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his
previous answer the farmer
said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be
lookin for Jim Christian. He
lives a mile south of here."
The
young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you
lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the
farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher
asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked,
"When's it gonna
be?"
Thinking he had accomplished somet
hing the young preacher replied, "It
could be today, tomorrow, or
the next day." Taking a handkerchief from
his back pocket and
wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well,
don't mention it to my
wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go
all three days."
- An accountant is in a car travelling with a
farmer
client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep
and the farmer says, "You're pretty
good with numbers, Keith. How
many sheep do you reckon are in that
paddock?"
The accountant
looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One
thousand, eight
hundred and thirty two."
The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right", he
says. "How did you work
that out so fast?"
"Easy," says the
accountant "I counted the number of feet and
divided by 4."
- An aged farmer and his wife were leaning
against the edge of their
pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled
that the next week would mark
their golden wedding
anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a
pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally
answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for
something
that happened fifty years ago."
- An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your
methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree
will
give you less than twenty pounds of apples."
"I won't be
surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange
tree".
- An old farmer is driving down a country road in
his pickup truck when
it starts making an awful noise. He stops
the truck and crawls
underneath to investigate the
problem.
"Hmmm...muffler's loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a
Monkey
Wrench." He says.
He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down
the road. Off
in the distance he sees a small house. There is a black
woman and
several small black children playing in the
yard.
The Farmer yells to her "Hey Miss, do you happen to have
Monkey
Wrench?"
"What?" She yells back.
"A Monkey Wrench!!?" He
screams.
"What?"
"MONKEY WRENCH!!?...MONKEY
WRENCH!!?"
"Naw, this ain't no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!"
- An out-of-towner drove his
car into a ditch
in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to
help with his
big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and
yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull."
Buddy didn't move.
Then the
farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't
respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull."
Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse
easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was
most appreciative and very curious. He asked the
farmer why he called
his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh,
Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the
only one pulling, he
wouldn't even try!"
- Camp Woodland was across the
road from a
dairy farm. One day the kids saw a large bull.
'Is that bull safe?'
someone asked the farmer.
'Safer than you are!' was his answer.
- Camper: Is it easy to milk
a
cow?
Farmer: Sure it is. Any jerk can do it.
- Did you hear about the farmer
who fed
crayons to his chickens?
He wanted them to lay coloured eggs!
- Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his
field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!
- Did you hear about the farmer's boy who hated
the country ? He went to the big city and got a job as a shoeshine
boy
and so the farmer made hay while the sun shone !
- Farmer Brown decided his
injuries from the
accident were serious enough to take the trucking company
(responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking
company's
fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at
the
scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer
Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any
details," the lawyer interrupted, "just
answer the question. Did
you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine'!"
Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and
I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again
and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the
scene of the accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the scene
that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell
him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was
fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer
and said to the lawyer,
"I'd like to hear what he has to say about
his favorite mule
Bessie."
Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was
saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and
was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and
trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the
side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown
into
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I
could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible
shape just by her groans."
"Shortly after the
accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie
moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at h
er, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then
the
patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked
at
me."
Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The
patrolman
looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I
had to shoot
her. How are YOU feeling'?"
- Farmer Brown put up a pig-shaped weather vane,
but
he's not happy with it.
Instead of pointing with the wind,
the pig vane keeps pointing toward
the feed trough.
- Farmer Giles is so interested in conserving
energy,
he built a pig-powered car.
He has to get rid of it,
though. Every time he turns a corner, the
tires squeal
- Farmer Jones bought a herd of pigs from a Roman
farmer who
moved into the next valley and boy, is he sorry.
The
hogs won't come to the feed trough unless he calls them in Pig
Latin.
- FARMER: Did you sleep well last night?
GUEST: No, the bed was soft and the air was fresh, but an old sow kept
pushing at the door.
FARMER: Never mind her. She always gets upset
when we rent out her
room.
- How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They
trod on his corn.
- How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They
trod on his corn.
- How does a farmer send messages?
By
e-i-e-i-o-mail.
- How does the pig farmer get to the fair?
He
rides piggyback.
- Howard County Police officers still
write
their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer
tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had
lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the
farmer
directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025
pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard
County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2
sows and 25
pigs."
- Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast
for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a
farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his
parachute
failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the
locals
before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here
on a
Sunday.
- On a drive in the country, a city slicker
noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig
there
as it ate one apple after another.
"Maybe I don't know
what I'm talking about," said the city slicker,
"but if you just
shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground,
wouldn't it save a
lot of time?"
"Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to
a pig?"
- On a rural road a state trooper pulled this
farmer over and said:
"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the
car several miles
back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank
God, I thought I had gone
deaf!"
- Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When
he turns his cow to pasture.
- Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When
he turns his cow to pasture.
- Q: Why can't the
bankrupt cowboy
complain?
A: He has got no beef.
- Q: Why did the farmer call his
pig
"Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
- Q: Why did the farmer call his
pig
"Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
- Rush Limbaugh
and his chauffeur were out
driving in the country and accidentally hit
and killed a pig that had
wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told
the chauffeur to
drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to
the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the
front door and
was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours.
When the
chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver
had
been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then
he offered me a beer, then
his wife brought me some cookies, and
his daughter showered me with
kisses." explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur
replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and
I'd just
killed the pig."
- Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate
country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a
cat ran
out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat. Out
of kindness
and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove
back to the
farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife
came to the door,
said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a
cat in front of your
house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I
know this might be hard
to hear, but Iwanted to let you know
instead of just driving off...."
"Not so fast", says she. "How do you
know it was our cat? Could
youdescribe him? What does he look
like?"
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He
looks like
thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he
look
like*before* you hit him?"
At that, the man got up
, covered his eyes with both hands and
screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh
!!!!!!"
- The farmer's son was returning from the market
with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when
all
of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off
in
different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the
neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to
the repaired
crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly
returned home,
expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got
loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I
managed to find all twelve of
them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You
left with
seven."
- There was a
farmer who had a herd of pigs.
One day someone went to the farm and asked
the farmer: "What do you
use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things
like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection
Association and I think you
don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't
eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later,
another person arrived and asked the same question.
The farmer answered:
"Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon,
caviar, shrimp,
steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and
I think it's
unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there
are people dying
with nothing to eat."
And he fined the
farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question.
The
hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five
dollars
to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."
- There was a farmer who
had a lot of live
stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls.
One day a
terrible twister came and the man and his family were only
saved by
throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over,
he
looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he
went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses,
chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The
farmer was amazed and asked them, "How is it that all the other
animals
are down and you are still standing?" The bulls replied, "We
bulls
wobble but we don't fall down!"
- There was a farmer who raised
watermelons.
He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his
watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought
he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids
away
for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The
next
day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says
"Warning!! One of
the watermelons in this field has been injected with
cyanide."
So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to
the
sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week
and when he
looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are
missing but he
notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the
sign which read:
"Now there are two".
- This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he
goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy.
He'll
get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."
So the
farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take
it
slow, okay?"
The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears
all the hens crying
and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens
and then nailed a duck
and a goose at a pond.
The next
morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking
in the
air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer says, "Roy, did
you have to die?"
Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"
- What did the farmer say when all
his cows
charged him at once ?
I'm on the horns of a dilemma here !
- What did the farmer say when he lost his
tractor
?
Wheres my tractor!
- What did the farmer say when his fat pig
wouldn't fit into the pen?
"There's more there than meets the
sty."
- What did the neurotic pig say to the
farmer?
You take me for grunted.
- What do you call
an Arab dairy farmer?
A milk sheik.
- What is the difference between a dressmaker and
a
farmer?
A dressmaker sews what she gathers, a farmer gathers
what he
sows.
- Why are farmers cruel?
Because they pull
corn by the ears.
- Why did the farmer feed his
pigs sugar and
vinegar ?
He wanted sweet and sour pork !
- Why was the farmer
hopping mad ?
Because someone had trodden on his corn !
PAGE: [1]