hair and bald jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: hair and bald jokes
- A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat
on the barber's chair
and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe
shine." The barber
began to lather his face while a woman with the
biggest,
firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen
knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young
lady, you and I should go and spend
some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay
you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one
shaving you."
- A guy admired the hair of three girls.
He walked by one
and asked, "How'd you get such lovely blonde hair"
Taking her hand and gently running it through her hair, the girl
answered, "It's natural."
The guy walked by the second girl
and asked, "How'd you get such
pretty brown hair?"
Fluffing her hair, the second girl said, "It's natural."
Finally the
guy approached the third girl and asked, "How'd you get
such cool
green hair?"
Taking her hand and rubbing it up past her nose,
then skimming it
through the hair, she said, "It's natural."
- A guy walks in to the
Barbershop.
Barber says, "What will it be today?" Guy says, "well I
want it going
with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other,
and just
make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why
in
the world do you want your hair cut like that."
Guy says, "That's
how you cut it last time"
- a guy was teased everywhere of his
totally noticably bald head! Afta goin thru yrs of this, he decided that
he
should say sumthin about it! so he stood up on2 the tallest
statue and
shouted 4 everyone 2 hear: 'I AM NOT BALD, ITS JUST THAT IM
TALLER
THAN MY HAIR!'
- A little girl climbed
into her
grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She
ran her
fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and
neck.
"Did god make you?", she asked.
"yes" he answered.
"did god makeme, to?" she wondered.
"yes", he replied.
"well, she shrugged, "don't you think he's doing a better job now
than he used to?"
- A man and a little boy entered a
barbershop
together. After the man received the full treatment - shave,
shampoo,
manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the
chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said.
"I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was
completed and the man still hadn't
returned, the barber said,
"Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about
you." "That wasn't my
daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took
me by the hand and
said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free
haircut!'"
- A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has
getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the
thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby
drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client
places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with
the
closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the
client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does."
- A man sitting in a barber's
chair
noticed that the barber's hands were very dirty. When he commented
on this, the barber explained, "Yes, sir, no one's been in for a
shampoo yet."
- A man was getting a haircut prior to a
trip to Rome. He
mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,
"Rome? Why would anyone want
to go there?
It's crowded & dirty
and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to
Rome.
So, how
are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We
got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a
terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly,
and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in
Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That
dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small,
the
service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when
you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope
to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a
million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size
of an ant. Boy, good luck on
this lousy trip of yours. You're
going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his
regular haircut. The
barber asked him about his trip to
Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in
one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped
us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and
foot.
And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million
remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential
suite at no
extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I
know you didn't get to see the
pope."
"Actually, we were quite
lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the
shoulder and explained that the pope likes to
personally me
et some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into
his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure
enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook
my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?"
asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get
the lousy haircut?
- A woman was cutting her husband's
thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.
She ofered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious
qualities. "It has more vitamin C than an orange," she remarked.
"And more hair than Dad," added their son.
- After accepting an
invitation to
dance with a rather prematurely balding man a young woman wants
to
lighten the mood and says, "Honey, God was good to you, gave you a
handsome face and room for another one."
- America's
oldest lady was 115 years
old today, and she hasn't got a grey hair on her
head.
How
come?
She's completely bald.
- Barber: And how
old are you, little
man?
Fred: Eight.
Barber: And do you want a haircut?
Fred:
Well, I certainly didn't come in for a shave!
- Barber: Were
you wearing a red scarf
when you came in? Customer: No.
Barber: Oh dear! Then I must have
cut your throat.
- Barber: Your hair is getting grey,
Sir.
Customer: I'm not surprised - hurry up, will you?
- Customer: Couldn't you see I was going
bald?
Barber: No, the shine from your head blinded me.
- Customer: Why did
you take off so
much hair?
Barber: I didn't, nature beat me to it.
- Customer: Why doesn't my
hairline
look good?
Barber: It's on the same old head.
- Customer: Why is my hairline
receding?
Barber: It's not. Your scalp is advancing.
- Doctor, Doctor my
hair keeps falling
out, can you give me anything to keep it in ?
Yes, here is a paper
bag !
- Doctor, doctor, can you give me
something for my baldness?
How about a few pounds of pig manure?
Will that cure my baldness?
No, but with that on your head no one
will come near enough to notice
you're bald.
- First boy: My dad saw a horrible witch
and didn't turn a hair!
Second boy: I'm not surprised - your
dad's bald!
- For what person do all men take off
their hats?
The barber.
- Fred: Betty has lovely long red hair
all down her back.
Harry: Pity it's not on her head!
- How can you avoid falling hair?
Get
out of the way.
- How does a barber make phone calls?
He cuts them short.
- How much for a haircut?
Barber:
Fifteen dollars.
How much for a shave?
Barber: Ten dollars.
Right - shave my head.
- I had a dream you were a tire last
night. I woke up and you were
bald.
- I want a hair cut please.
Certainly,
which one !
- If the Pilgrims came over on the
Mayflower, how did the
barbers arrive?
On clipper ships.
- Is that your face or are you
wearing
your hair back to front today?
- Janet came home from school and asked
her mother if the aerosol spray in the kitchen was hair lacquer.
"No," said Mom. "It's glue."
"I thought so," said Janet.
"I
wondered why I couldn't get my hat off today."
- Karen: Have you noticed
that Daddy
is getting taller ?
Sharon: No, why ?
Karen: His head is sticking
through his hair.
- Knock Knock
Who's there !
Barber
!
Barber who ?
Barberd wire !
- Look at that bald man over there.
It's the first time I've seen a parting with ears.
- My barber is a specialist in road map
shaves.
How come?
When he's finished, your face is full of
short cuts.
- Peg-Leg Baldy A bald man with a peg leg
gets invited to a costume party. Being shy and self-conscious about
his
appearance, he goes to the best costume shop in town. When he
gets
there, he tells the shop owner his situation and that he would
rather cover
his head and leg with a costume instead instead of
exploiting his
apparent problems. So, the shop owner comes back with a
lifeguard costume.
The man says, "No, no. That will show off my peg
leg. I can't hide it
with that. Try again." So the shop owner
leaves and comes back with a
monk costume And again the man says, "No,
no. I can't wear that. It
will make people notice my head."
Obviously pissed off, the shop owner
leaves and comes back with a
five-pound bag of caramels, gives it to
the man and says, "Here. Just take
this." Confused, the man says,
"What am I suposed to do with a bag
of caramels?" Smiling, the shop owner
says, "Take home this
bag of caramels, melt them, pour it all over
your body, stick
that peg leg up your ass and tell everyone you're a
caramel
apple."
- Q: Why are brunettes so proud of their
hair?
A: It matches their mustaches.
- Teacher: I see
you don't cut your
hair any longer.
Fred: No sir, I cut it shorter.
- The Sunday
School teacher asked if
any of the children's parents had quoted from
the Bible in the past
week. Little Timmy paused, but then spoke up,
"My daddy doesn't
have any hair on his head. Daddy says that God put
hair on everything
that he was ashamed of."
- There are three ways a
man wears his
hair - parted- unparted or departed
- What do you call
an English teacher,
five feet tall, covered from head to toe in boils
and totally bald?
Sir!
- What do you call a
proton with big
hair?
A 'froton.
- What do you call a high-priced barber
shop?
A clip joint.
- What do you call a pen with no hair
?
A bald point !
- What do you call a policeman with blonde
hair ?
A fair cop !
- What do you get if you cross a
hairdresser with a werewolf?
A monster with an all-over perm.
- What do you get if you cross a
hairdresser and a bucket
of cement ?
Permanent waves !
- What do you get if you cross a wireless
with a
hairdresser ?
Radio waves !
- What kind of hair do oceans have
?
Wavy !
- What should you buy if your
hair
falls out ?
A good vacuum cleaner !
- What side of a monster has more hair
?
The outside !
- What's a barber's favourite kind of
holiday?
Cruising on a clipper.
- What's your dad getting for Christmas?
Bald and fat.
- When can you dive in a swimming pool and
not
get your hair wet ?
When your bald !
- Who never gets his hair wet in the
shower? A bald man.
- Why did the bald man go outside ?
To
get some fresh hair !
- Why did the bald man put a rabbit
on
his head?
Because he wanted a head of hare (hair).
- Why do bald-headed men never use
keys?
Because they've lost their locks.
- Why do barbers make good drivers?
Because they know all the short cuts.
- Why do polo bears like bald men ?
Because they have a great, white, bear place !
- Why does a barber never shave a man with
a
wooden leg?
Because he always uses a razor.
- Why was the lady's hair
angry?
Because she was always teasing it.
- Your head is sooooo bald I mistook you
for a green
rabbit.
- YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU
WHERE A
TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.
- Your so bald your bald
- Your so bald, I can see what your
thinking.
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