humor jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: humor jokes
- "Do you love me more than you love sleep?"
"I
can't answer now. It's time for my nap!"
- A
young man was strolling down a street. As
he passed a large building with
a fence around it, he heard a group
of people chanting "Thirteen,
thirteen, thirteen" over and over
again.
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then
he spotted
a hole in the wood.
He put his eye to the hole.
He just managed to spy some old people
sitting in deckchairs
chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and
poked him in the eye. As
he staggered back, the old people started
chanting, "Fourteen,
fourteen, fourteen..."
- A Counselor saw a camper sitting alone. 'Why
don't you play with your friends?' he asked.
'Because I only
have one friend,' the girl replied. 'And I hate
her.'
- A gang of witches broke into a blood bank last
night and stole a thousand pints of blood.
Police are still
hunting for the clots.
- A girl walked over to her neighbor's for her
morning chat session. When she got there, her neighbor remarked how
tired
she looked.
"Yeah" she said, "I didn't sleep well
last night, I had this really
strange dream."
"Do tell" said
her neighbor, pouring the coffee.
"Well, I dreamed I woke up and
went downstairs as usual, but when I
looked in the mirror my face
had turned orange, and my hair was sticking
straight up out of my
head and was green!"
"Sounds like you turned into a punk rocker
or something" the neighbor
said, with a grin.
"No" she said,
"It wasn't like that. It was as if I knew something
was wrong, but
it seemed normal somehow, you know what I mean?"
"Sure" said
the neighbor, "Everybody's had dreams like that."
"Well anyway"
she continued, "I decided to go down and get the mail,
because even
in my dream, I figured I must be dreaming, so what the
heck
if I was orange, you know? So I walk down and get my mail, and I keep
feeling everybody looking at me!
"Then I get a good look at
myself in the big window in front of the
store, and I'll be darned
if I wasn't a carrot! It was such a shock I
stumbled backwards and
got hit by a truck driven by that nice doctor
down the street. The
last thing I remember before I woke up was him
bending over me,
telling me his diagnosis."
"Wow" laughed the neighbor, "Did you
live?"
"Yeah, I lived" sighed the girl, "But the doctor said I'd
be a
vegetable the rest of my life."
- A guy goes to a girl's house
for the first
time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses
herself
to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's
standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks
it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says
"What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He
goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to
the kitchen to get an
ashtray."
- A husband and wife were shopping when the wife
said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we
buy
for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied,
"How
about a chair?!?"
- A magician was employed by a
Shipping Line
to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain
owned a
parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by
the
magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, "He
does it with a mirror" or "He's got it up his sleeve." The magician
was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he
was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he
maintained an
angry silence.
One evening as the magician worked, the
parrot continued to harass the
unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into
a mine which had become
detached from the sea floor after a storm.
The explosion tore the bow off the
ship which sank within a few
minutes. Amid the wreckage and the
lifeboats, the magician sat on one
end of a table from the first class dining
room. At the other end
sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his
feathers caked with f
uel oil. For some time they eyed each other malevolently
saying
nothing. Finally the parrot shook himself and advanced across
the
table. He fixed the magician with a beady eye. "Okay, I give up,"
he
squawked. "What did you do with the ship?"
- A man had a nose ring fitted into his nose, a
friend asked, "how much did you pay for that?"
"I paid through the
nose!" he replied
- A man is hired by the circus to perform a
necessary but rather
unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the
elephants in the center
ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they
walk about. After a
rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the
circus cafeteria, sits with
other workers, and begins complaining
about his work.
"It's just terrible work, walking behind those
huge beasts and first
dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they
produce. My arms are tired,
my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll
have to shower before I return
home, because of the
stink."
His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable
job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some
skills
and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."
He
looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I
just can't give up the glamour of show business!"
- A man walks into a palm reader store and asks
the reader,
"Could you read my palm?" He shows his hand to her, and
she says,
"But...I can't read your hand."
"Why?" the man
asks.
"I don't understand your handwriting," the woman replies.
- A man was given the job of painting the white
lines down the
middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six
miles; the next
day three miles; the following day less than a mile.
When the foreman
asked the man why he kept painting less each day,
he replied "I just
can't do any better. Each day I keep getting
farther away from the paint
can."
- A man went in to the bank and asked to see the
man who arranged the loans.
'I'm sorry, sir,' said a
cashier, 'the loan arranger is out to
lunch.'
'Can I speak
to Tonto, then?' asked the man.
- A monastery in the English countryside was
having a hard time with its
cash flow because of the dwindling number of
monks available to help
with all the work. Then one day two of the
monks, who had been discussing
the problem, suggested they open a
fish and chips stand down on the
highway, right next to a scenic
vista area popular with tourists. The
other monks agreed, and the two
put up the stand. One day a tourist who
wanted to offer a
compliment asked the monk on duty, "Are you the fish
friar?" "No, sir,"
retorted the brother, "I'm the chip
monk."
- A newlywed couple, after bringing their
luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in
tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the
groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a
view
for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a
parking
lot!"
- A wife and her
husband were having a dinner
party for all the major status figures in Rome,
Italy.
The
wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be
perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any
snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to
the
beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very
grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out
the door, down the steps, and out to the
beach. As he was collecting
the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
walking alongside the
water just a little further down the beach. He kept
thinking to himself
"Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come
down and talk to
me." He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he
looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing
right over him. They
got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
nThey were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started
messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted
afterwards
and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next
morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!
My wife's dinner party!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on really quickly, grabbed
his
bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all
the way to his apartment. He ran up the
stairs of his apartment. He
was in such a hurry that when he got to the top
of the stairs, he
dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the
stairs. The door opened just then, with
a very angry wife standing in
the door way wondering where he's been
all this time.
He
looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back
at the snails and said - "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
- A woman reported
the disappearance of her
husband to the police. The
officer looked at the guy's photograph,
questioned her, and then asked
if
she wanted to give her husband
any message if they found him.
"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him
Mother didn't come after
all."
- A woman walks into a bank
in New York City
and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to
Europe on
business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer
says the bank will need some kind of security for such
a loan, so the
woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked
on the
street, in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank
agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan.
An
employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and
parks
it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5000.
and the interest
which is $15.41.
The loan officer says,
"We are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction
has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you
were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us , is why would you bother to borrow
$5000
?"
The woman replied, "Where else in New York, can I park my
car for 2
weeks for $15.00?"
- A young banker decided to get his first tailor
made
suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured
for a
suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put
on the suit
and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can
do business. As
he was preening himself in front of the mirror he
reached down to put
his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he
noticed that there were
no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor
who asked him, "Didn't
you tell me you were a banker?" The young
man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard
of a banker with his hands in
his own pockets?"
- A young family moved into a
house next door
to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up
to start
building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6 year old
daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next
door and started talking with the
workers. She hung around and
eventually the construction crew - gems in the
rough, all of them - more
or less adopted her as a kind of project
mascot. They chatted with
her, let her sit with them while they had coffee
and lunch
breaks,and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make
her feel
important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with
a pay
envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home
to her mother who
said all the appropriate words of admiration and
suggested that they
take the dollar pay she had received to the
bank the next day to start a
savings account.
When they
got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the
story
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check
at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've
been working with a crew
building a house all week". "My goodness
gracious", said the teller,
"and will you be working on the house
again this week too"?
"I will if those useless morons at the lumber
yard ever bring us the
f****** bricks", replied the little girl.
- A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother
he's fallen in love
and going to get married. He says, "Just for
fun, Ma, I'm going
to bring over three women and you try and guess
which one I'm
going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day,
he brings three beautiful women
into the house and sits them down on
the couch and they chat for
a while.
He then says,"Okay, Ma.
Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The
red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did
you know?"
"I don't like her."
- Abraham wanted a
new suit, so he bought a
nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a
tailor. The first
tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured
Abraham, then told
him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.
Abraham was unhappy
with this opinion and sought another tailor. This
tailor measured
Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and
said, "There
is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a
vest,
please come back in a week to take your suit."
After a week Abraham
came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's
son wearing
trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just
how could you
make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when
the other
tailor could not make a suit only?"
"It's very simple," replied the
tailor, "The other tailor has two
sons."
- After a visit to the circus, Geoff and Don were
discussing the thrills and marvels they had seen. "I didn't think
much of
the knife thrower, did you?" said Geoff. "I thought he was
great!"
enthused Don. "Well, I didn't," said Geoff. "He kept
throwing those
knives at that soppy girl but he didn't hit her
once."
- After wedding a young couple rented a town house
in a large complex.
Concerned about a leak in an upstairs bathroom,
young woman called the
manager several times, but nothing happened.
Finally her husband reached the manager and, noting the seriousness
of
the problem, said, " My wife is afraid the bathtub will fall
through
the kitchen."
"Oh, no," the manager quickly replied. "The
bathtub falls through
the living room."
- An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert
in Israel and
came upon a casket containing a mummy. After
examining it, he called
the curator of a prestigious natural-history
museum. "I've just
discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died
of heart failure!" the
excited scientist exclaimed.
To which
the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A
week
later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were
right
about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you
know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said,
'10,000
Shekels on Goliath'."
- An engineer, an experimental physicist, a
theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of
Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the
next, a
black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep
in Scotland
are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are
black,"
replies the experimental physicist. The heoretical physicist
considers this
for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the
sheep in Scotland is
black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one
side,
anyway."
- At a
country-club party a young man was
introduced to an attractive girl. He
immediately began paying her court
and flattering her. The girl liked the young
man, but she was taken
a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was
amazed when,
after 30 minutes, he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she reacted.
"We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure?
We know
nothing about each other." "You're wrong," the young man
replied. "For
the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your
father
has his account."
- At the
end of camp, Julie won the prize for
neatest trunk. Her mother was
amazed.
'How did your trunk get
so neat?' she asked her messy daughter.
'It was easy,' said Julie.
'I just never unpacked!'
- At the scene of a bank raid
the police
officer came running up to his inspector and said, "He got
away, sir!"
The inspector was furious. "But I told you to put a man on all the
exits!" he roared. "How could he have got away?"
"He left by one
of the entrances, sir!"
- Bank manager: I'm sorry, sir, you can't open
an account with this
sort of money. They're wooden pieces!
Lumberjack: But I only want to open a shavings account.
- Before going to Europe on business, a man drove
his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for
an
immediate loan of $6,000. The loan officer was quite taken a
back, and
requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my
Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car
driven into the
bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave
him 6,000. Two
weeks later, the man walked through the bank's
doors, and asked to settle
up his loan and get his car back. The loan
officer checked the records
and told him, "That will be $6,000 in
principal, and $18.40 in
interest." The man wrote out a check,
thanked the loan officer, and started
to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan
officer said, "while you were
gone, I found out you are a
millionaire. Why in the world would you need to
borrow? The man smiled.
"Where else could I securely park my
Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for t
wo weeks and pay only $18.40?"
- Big Louie the
Torpedo was becoming
increasingly curious about one of the newer members of
his mob, Benny the
Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in
another part of
the country. During that time he had garnered quite a
reputation
for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man
available. He
was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for
the
last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket -
clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the
Rod).
When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was
put to him.
"So what's the story with you and this here gun of
yours, eh? Like,
are you scared or somethin' or you just want to
always be ready or
what?"
"Not scared ..." Benny growled,
"been doin' it dis way ever since
me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout
ten ten years ago now".
"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"
"Wel
l, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He
never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept
me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.
Louie leaned in,
expecting the point of the matter.
"And since dat time I gotta do
it dis way".
"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?
"Well,
I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to
say
nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said
...
"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"
- Bill and Steve are enjoying a beer and
discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times,"
Bill says.
"Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?"
"Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing
to do with me," Bill says.
"Wasn't that love?" Steve asks.
"No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I
cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand
me."
"Wasn't that love?" asks Steve.
"No, that was
lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a
woman while I was on a
cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great
conversationalist
and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her
on that
ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my
stomach."
"Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve.
"No. That was
motion sickness!" Bill replies.
- Bob: Did you hear about the camper who was
killed by a garter snake?
Betty: That's impossible. A garter snake is
not poisonous.
Bob: It doesn't have to be if it can make you jump off
a cliff!
- Camper:
There's a leak over my
bunk!
Counselor: Shh! Don't make such a fuss. Soon everyone will want
one.
- Camper: There's a leak over my
bunk!
Counselor: Don't complain. It only leaks when it rains.
- Camper: There's a leak over my
bunk!
Counselor: That's what we said in the camp ads. Running water in every
cabin!
- Clown: Why are you wearing such a large
shirt?
Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.
- Coleman
moved to Wyoming and was sitting in
the unemployment office applying for a
job. "Have you any
experience in coal mining?" asked the clerk.
"Yeah, in Pennsylvania," he
replied. "They're using that new safety lamp
down there now, aren't
they?" "Ah don't know, mister," said
Coleman. "I worked on the day
shift."
- Dad, did you manage to
fix my toy? No, it's
not broken, the battery's flat. Well, what shape
should it be?
- Dawn was
breaking over the camp grounds.
Tony and Steve were lying in their tent.
'That was a terrible thunder
and lightening storm last night,' Tony
announced.
Steve turned
to him and said, 'Why didn't you wake me up? You know I
can't
sleep during a storm!'
- Did you hear
about the fire in the rednecks
library? Both the books got burned, and one
hadn't even been
coloured in yet.
- Did you hear
about the ghoul's favorite
hotel? It had running rot and mould in every
room.
- Did you hear about the man in the electric chair
who
asked the executioner to reverse the charges ?
- Did you hear about the man who jumped in the
Hudson River?
He committed sewercide.
- Did you hear the one about the phoney Cupid?
He was totally bow-gus!
- Do you believe in love at first sight or do I
have to walk by
again?
- Do you believe in love at first sight or do I
have to walk by you
again?
- Do you know the difference between genius and
stupid? "Genius has its limits."
- Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two
mothers-in-law.
- Do you love me?
Of course
Then whisper
something soft and sweet in my ear
Lemon meringue pie !
- Freda: Boys whisper they love me.
Fred: Well,
they wouldn't admit it out loud, would they?
- Harry was telling his friend about his holiday
in Switzerland. His friend
had never been to Switzerland and asked,
'what did you think of the
scenery ?'
'Oh, I couldn't see
much,' Harry admitted. 'There were all these
mountains in the
way.'
- How
many civil servants does it take to
change a light bulb? Twelve. One to
change the bulb, and eleven to do
the paperwork.
- How did the octopus lovers walk down the
road?
Arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm.
- How do you cook vegatables in the
microwave
? Take them out their wheelchair.
- How do you get pikachu on to a boat? You
pokemon
- How is a bell obedient? It sounds off only when
it is told
(tolled).
- How many applicants does it take to change
a
light bulb? Only one, but 200 applied for the job.
- How many archaeologists does it take to change a
light bulb?
Three. One to change it while the other two argue
about how old the old
one is.
- How many architects does it take to change a
light bulb?
Just one, but he has to coordinate ten other professionals
who are
doing this quiet complicated task.
- How many bankers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the
combination.the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for
that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.
- How many brewers does it take to
change a
light bulb?
Third as many as for a regular bulb.
- How many cashiers does it take
to change a
light bulb?
"Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar
bill."
- How many librarians does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
"I don't know, but I can look it up for you."
- How many social
scientists does it take to
change a light bulb?
None. Social scientists do not change light
bulbs; they search for the
root cause as to why the last one went
out.
- How many tax advisors does it take to change a
light bulb?
"In the summer there is a tax deductible convention in
Hawaii, dealing
exactly with this issue."
- How many tax auditors
does it take to find a
$1.00 mistake in an expense report?
Three. One to find the mistake
and two to discuss the significance of
it.
- How much is 5Q and 5Q? 10Q. "You're welcome.
"
- I used to not get on with my
mother-in-law,
but over the last few months
I've developed quite an attachment
for her.
It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin
to keep her
mouth shut!
- I'm not rich like Jack, don't have a mansion
like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin but I do love you and
want to
marry you.
I love you too, but what was that you said about
Martin !
- If you need a loan, who do you see in the
bank?
The Loan Arranger (Lone Ranger).
- It was so hot when we went on holiday last
year that we had to take turns sitting in each other's shadow.
- John was hard at work with
the broom in his
family's tent.
His mother came in and said, 'That's nice. Are you
sweeping out the
tent?'
'No,' John answered. 'I'm sweeping
out the dirt.'
- Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow.
When I
woke up my pillow was gone !
- Mad men are given a test to prove they are
getting
normal their teacher draws a door on the wall and orders them to
go
out.
They tart fighting but one remains sitting and the
teacher goes to him
and asks why he didn't join others and he says
"let them fight they
forgot I have the keys"
- Martin asked David, "In which
state does the
Ohio River run?" David answered with cool, "In the liquid
state."
- Meg's mother was visiting her daughter at camp.
'How did you find
the steak dinner?' she asked.
'With a
magnifying glass!'
- Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies
today. Would you like to
take
your pick?
Son-in-law: No thanks.
I'll just use the hammer.
- Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your
grandma's
bed? Fred: Because I couldn't find a snake.
- My
mother-in-law was bitten by a dog
yesterday.
How is she now ?
She's fine. But, the dog died.
- My brother's looking for a girlfriend. Trouble
is, he can't find a girl who loves him as much as he loves
himself.
- My mother-in-law has got
so many double
chins it looks like she is peering over a pile of
pancakes.
- My mother-in-law is like a fine French
Impressionist painting.
She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a
distance.
- My teacher loves me - she puts
kisses
against all my sums.
- New camper: I
thought you said this camp has
no mosquitoes.
Old camper: That's right. These mosquitoes come from
the camp down the
road!
- On the last day of camp everyone was asked the
same question:
'What is the best part of the camp?'
One wise
guy answered, 'Going home!'
- Once there was a millionaire
who had a
collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the
back of his
mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who
was
single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party
he
announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here.
I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim
across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon
as
he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash.
The
guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he
can. They
cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming
man makes it
to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so
impressed, e says,
"My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't
think it could be
done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain.
Which do you want, my
daughter or the one million dollars?" The
man says, "Listen, I don't want
your money. I don't want your
daughter, either. I want the person who
pushed me in that water!"
- One afternoon, a man was riding in
the back
of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road
side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why
are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any
money for food.", The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me
then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other
man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man
answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the
car, which was no easy task, even for a car
as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir,
you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied
"No, you don't understand, the grass at my home
is about three
feet tall!"
- One day a wife complained, "This wall clock
almost
killed my mother today.
It fell only seconds after she got up
from the couch."
The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock
always was
slow."
- One day the counsellor got a
phone call. It
was from a camper who had been at camp the summer before.
The old
camper said, 'I thought of camp yesterday.'
'Why?' the counsellor
asked. 'Where were you?'
'At the garbage dump!' the old camper
answered.
- Pierre was a camper from France. In his
honour, Jenny sang a French song in the talent show. But she didn't
sing very well.
'Does that make you homesick?' someone asked
Pierre.
'No,' he answered. 'Just sick sick!'
- Q. Have you heard the latest
scandal? A. Dr.
Pepper was drunk at a party.
- Q. Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with
newspaper?
A. Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.
- Q. What did
dela wear?(Delaware) A. Her New
Jersey
- Q. What did Snow white say when her photos
didn't come back from the photo store?
A. "Some day my prints will
come!"
- Q. What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden
have in common? A. They both look out their caves and see rubble.
- Q. What do you call a ginger bread man wit one
leg? A. Limp
biskit
- Q. What is the bigest pencil
in the world?
A. Pennsylvania
- Q. What's te definition of a bachelor pad? A.
All the house plants are
dead, but there's something growing in the
refrigerator.
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