hunting jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: hunting jokes
- A big-game hunter came across a dinosaur in
the middle of the
jungle and stared at it surprise."You're extinct,"
he said. The
dinosaur was hard of hearing."What was that you said?"
The hunter shouted
at the top of his voice."You are extinct." The
dinosaur looked a
little nonplused. "So would you if you'd been
dead for six milion
years."
- A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife
and
mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the
Mrs awoke to
find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she
insisted on them both
trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up
his rifle, took a swig
of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a
clearing not far from the
camp, they came upon a hilling sight: the
mother-in-law was backed up
against a thick, impenetrable bush, and
a large male lion stood facing
her. The wife cried, "What are we
going to do?" "Nothing," said the
hunter husband. "The lion got
himself into this mess, let him get
himself out of it."
- A couple of hunters from Prague are out
hunting, and an emormous
bear runs up and in a single gulp devours one of
the hunters.
Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive,
trapped in the belly of the
grizzly.
The other hunter runs back to
town and organizes a rescue party which
heads back to the woods
armed with torches, guns, spears, etc.
Soon they spot two bears on
the horizon and everybody starts shooting
at the bear that's
closest to them.
"No, not that one," shouts the surviving hunter,
"That's the
female."
"The Czech is in the male."
- A Cowboy was going deer hunting.. His blonde
wife said she was going with him.. That they never did anything
together.. So, they went.. He put her in a stand by herself.. Later in
the
morning he heard her shoot.. He went over to her stand and she
was pointing
her rifle at a guy with a cowboy hat on.. The guy was
telling her,
Ma'mm, you can have the deer you shot.. I just want
to take my saddle off
of him!
- A group of
hunters fully equipped with
rifles, ammo and camping supplies, came upon a
young boy armed only
with a slingshot. "What are you hunting for?"
asked an older hunter.
"I don't know. I ain't seen it yet," said the
boy.
- A hunter visited another hunter
and was
given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The
visiting
hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"
The host said, "that was
three years ago, when I went hunting with my
wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My wife."
- A small village was troubled by a man-eating
lion.
So its leaders sent
a message to the great hunter, Jonesie,
to come and kill the beast.
For several nights the hunter lay in
wait for the lion, but it never
appeared. Finally, he told the
village chief to kill a cow and give him
its hide. Draping the skin over
his shoulders, he went to the pasture
to
wait for the
lion.
In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of
blood-
curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully
approached,
they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There
was no sign
of
the lion.
"What happened, Jonesie? Where is
the lion?" asked the chief.
"Forget the damn lion!" he howled.
"Which one of you idiots let the
bull
loose?"
- A young reporter went to a retirement home to
interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the
old man to
tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the
jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native
gunbearer was
behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen
leaped onto the
path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only
to find the native
had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a
mighty ROARRRR! I soiled
myself."
The reporter said, "Under
those circumstances anyone would have done
the same."
The old
explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went
'ROARRRR!'"
- An avid duck hunter was in the market for a
new bird dog. His
search ended when he found a dog that could
actually walk on water to
retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was
sure none of his friends
would ever believe him. He decided to try to
break the news to a friend
of his, the eternal pessimist who
refused to be impressed with anything.
This, surely, would impress him.
He invited him to hunt with him and
his new dog. As they waited by
the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they
fired, and a duck fell.
The dog responded and jumped into the water.
The dog, however, did
not sink but instead walked across the water to
retrieve the bird,
never getting more than his paws wet. This continued
all day long;
each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of
the water
to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw
everything,
but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked
his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I
sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
- An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new
bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually
walk
on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure
none of
his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to
try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal
pessimist who
refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would
impress
him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they
waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and
a duck
fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog,
however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the
bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day
long;
each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the
water
to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw
everything, but did not say a
single word.
On the drive
home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice
anything unusual
about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He
can't swim."
- Commissioned by
a zoo to bring them some
baboons, the big game hunter devised a novel
scheme to trap them -
his only requirements being a sack, a gun, and a
particularly
vicious and bad tempered dog. Once in the jungle he
explained to his
assistant, "I'll climb this tree and shake the branches; if
there are
any baboons up there, they will fall to the ground - and the
dogs
will bite their tail and immobilise them so that you can pick them
up quite safely and put them in the sack." "But what do I need the
gun for?" asked the assisant. "If I should fall out of the tree by
mistake, shoot the dog."
- Dick and Bob
were on a hunting trip. At
nightfall, Dick complained, 'We've been
hunting all day. We've
shot at five deer - and not hit one!'
'OK. Let's miss two more and
then head back to camp,' said
Bob.
- Did you hear about the bear hunter?
Well, he was out hunting for bears one day, and soon came across a
large, trophy sized bear. He raised his rifle and took careful aim. Just
as
he was about to pull the trigger, the bear turned and began
to
speak to him!
"Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do
you want? Let's
negotiate the matter," said the
bear.
Lowering his rifle in shock, the hunter thought a second, and then
replied, "I want a fur coat."
- Mike and Pat went hunting. Mike saw a large
goose fly by. He raised his rifle to shoot.
'Don't waste your
time,' Pat hollered.
'The rifle is not loaded.'
'I can't
wait,' Mike shouted back.
'The bird will be gone if I take the time to
load!'
- Some men go on a hunting
trip and separate
into pairs. That
evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone
toting a 12
point buck. "Where's George?" one of the men asked,
noticing
that Sam had returned alone.
"He's about 6 miles back.
He tripped and broke his ankle. I left
him there 'cause I figured
ain't nobody 'bout to steal him."
- The
Wednesday-night church service
coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our
pastor asked who had
bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the
pastor said, "I
don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were
unable to
make service because of hunting season. I had the whole
congregation
pray for your deer."
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're
all safe."
- The big game hunter was showing his friends
his
hunting trophies. Drawing their attention to a lion skin rug on
the
floor he said, "I shot this fellow in Africa. Didn't want to
kill such a
magnificent beast, of course, but it was either him or
me." "Well,"
said a guest, "he certainly makes a much better rug than
you
would!"
- Two
guys were out hunting, but they
weren't getting any ducks.
"What do you think the problem is?" one man
asked his companion.
"I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't
throwing the dog up
high
enough."
- Two Canadian hunters were driving through the
country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where
a
sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.
- Two fathers and two sons went duck hunting.
Each shot a duck but they shot only three ducks in all. How
come?
The hunters were a man, his son and his grandson.
- Two guys
are out hunting deer. The first
guy says, "Did you see that?"
"No," the second guy
says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.
"Oh,"
says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy
says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy
asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over
there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says:
"Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting
aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I
did!"
And the first guy says: "Then
why did you step in it?"
- Two hunters
got a pilot to fly them into
the far north for elk hunting. They were
quite successful in their
venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot
came back, as arranged,
to pick them up. They started loading their gear
into the plane,
including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he
said, "The plane
can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave
two behind."
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six
and the
pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same
model
and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to
put
all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the
valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the
wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to
the other, "Do you
know where we are?"
"I think so," replied
the other hunter. I think this is about the
same place where
we landed last year!"
- Two hunters went moose
hunting every
winter without success. Finally, they came up with a
fool-proof plan.
They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the
mating
call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure
the bull, then come out of
the costume and shoot the bull. They set
themselves up on the edge of a
clearing, donned their costume, and
began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was
answered as a bull came crashing out of the
forest and into the
clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said,
"Okay, lets get
out and get him."
After a moment that seemed
like an eternity, the guy in the back
shouted, "The zipper is
stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well,
I don't know how about you but I'm
going to start nibbling
grass."
- Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in
the
cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a
huge bear,
shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear
charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started
running for the
cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the
bear was just
a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as
he
reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close
behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling
into the
cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his
friend
inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
- Two men were out hunting when one of them saw
a rabbit. "Quick," said the first, "shoot it." "I can't," said
the second. "My gun isn't loaded." "Well," said the first," you
know that, and I know that, but the rabbit doesn't."
- Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting.
They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching
something.
The first redneck says to the other, "If you get lost, fire
three
shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and
find you."
After about three hours, the second redneck finds he
is really lost. He
decides to fire three shots into the air as the
first man told him. He
then waits an hour and does it again. He
repeats this until he is out
of ammo.
The next morning, the
first redneck finds the second with the help of
forest rangers. He
asks the second redneck man if he did what he told
him to
do.
The redneck answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour
on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
- Two Virginia boys, Sonny
and Rick, went
out hunting and split up. Sonny heard some rustling in the
bushes
and, by mistake, shot his friend.
After trying to remove the
bullet, he carried Rick to a doctor.
Two hours later, after the
physician had patched up the wounded hunter,
Sonny asked, "Please, Doc.
How's my friend?"
"Well," answered the M.D., "he'd be a lot
better off if you hadn't
taken out his gut!"
- What did the turkey say to the turkey
hunter?
"Quack! Quack! Quack!"
- What do you get if you cross a telephone with
a hunting dog?
A golden receiver!
- What does the lion say to his
friends
before they go out hunting for food ?
'Let us prey.'
- What is the best
way to hunt bear?
With your clothes off
- What is the best way to hunt bear ?
With
your clothes off.
- What's
the easiest way for a Gorilla
hunter to make money?
Collect unemployment insurance!
- What's a big game hunter?
Someone who's
lost his way to the match.
- What's the difference between a hunter and a
fisherman?
A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.
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