idiot and fool jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: idiot and fool jokes
- "Can you read Chinese?" "Yes, but only
when it's printed in
English."
- "How come you're only
watering
half your lawn?" a perplexed tourist asked a Richmond resident.
"I
just heard there was a fifty percent chance of rain."
- "Say, your house is
burning."
"That's okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new
one."
- "What did Shawn
like most about his
trip to Paris?" "He said it was lovely to hear the
French pheasants
singing the Mayonnaise."
- "Why do rednecks act like
such
morons?'' "Who says they're acting?"
- A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia
received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug
policy last
week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a
classmate that the
mints would make him "jump higher."
- A boy went into the local department
store where he saw a sign on the escalator - 'Dogs must be carried
on
this escalator.'
The boy then spent the next tow hours
looking for a dog.
- A guy walking down a street one
afternoon passes an old man sitting
on the side of the road with a large
sack.
The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the
sack?"
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there
sack."
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the
sack, can I keep one?"
The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many
monkeys I got in this
sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"
- A man in a swimming
pool was on the
very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and
was about to
dive when the attendant came running up, shouting,
"Don't dive ?
there's no water in that pool!"
"That's all right," said the man.
"I can't swim!"
- A man went into a pet shop to buy a
parrot. He was
shown an especially fine one which he liked the look
of, but he was
puzzled by the two strings which were tied to its
feet. "What are they
for?" he asked the pet shop manager. "Ah well,
sir," came the reply,
"that's a very unusual feature of this
particular parrot. You see,
he's a trained parrot, sir, he used to be in
the circus. If you pull the
string on his left foot he says
'Hello' and if you pull the string on
his left foot he says 'Goodbye'."
"And what happens if you pull
both strings at once?" "I fall off my
perch, you fool!" screeched the
parrot.
- A student in Belle, West Virginia
was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School
principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance"
policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.
- A stupid glazier was examining a broken
window. He looked at it for a while and then said, "It's worse
than I
thought. It's broken on both sides."
- A stupid man was
struggling out of
his house with a big table. His neighbor said to him,
"Hello,
Harry. Where are you going with that then?" And Harry replied,
"I'm
taking it to the store to have it measured for a new
tablecloth."
- According to the
Knight-Ridder News
Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S.
Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The
bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey,
abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the
following
letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last
week I
shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the
cooking
instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was
horrible."
- After interviewing a particularly
short-spoken
job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather
monosyllabic.
My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?".
Thinking that he was
just kidding, I played along and said that it was
just south of
Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by
Croatia?"
- An army sergeant told Private Perkins
to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned.
"I
thought I told you to go to the end of the line," barked the NCO.
"Why did you come back?"
"Because there's already somebody
there!"
- An idiot decided to start a chicken
farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he
returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the
first
lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for
another
hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I
think I know
where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am
planting them too
deep."
- An idiotic laborer was told by an
equally idiotic foreman to dig a hole in the road. "And what shall I do
with the earth, sir?" asked the laborer. "Don't be daft, man," he
replied. "Just dig another hole and bury it."
- An Illinois man pretending to have a
gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different
automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw
money from
his own bank accounts.
- An Irishman saw a notice outside a
police station which read: MAN
WANTED FOR ROBBERY.
So he went in
and applied for the job!
- And then there was the Newfie who was
found dead in his jail cell with twelve bumps on his head. He'd
tried
to hang himself with a rubber band.
- Calvin went to Pearson's Pet Shop to
complain that his canary wouldn't sing.
"File the beak just
a little," said the owner, "and the bird will
sing. But if you file
it too much, the canary will die."
Two weeks later Pearson ran
into Calvin on the street and asked about
his canary.
"He
died," said Calvin.
"But I told you not to file the beak too
much."
"I didn't," explained Calvin, "but by the time I got him
out of the
vise, he was already dead."
- Carmella and Mario were out on their
first date. "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" asked Carmella.
"No," said Mario. "Who wrote it?"
- Chaffee
could talk on any subject
whether he knew anything about it or not. Mostly
he didn't. One day
his neighbor Nibley could stand no more.
"Do you realize,"
asked Nibley, "that you and I know all there is to
be known?"
"Do you really think so?" said Chaffee. "How do you figure that?"
"Easy," answered Nibley. "You know everything except that you're a
damn idiot. And I know that!"
- Delmer: How'd you like the play last
night over at the high
school?
Parley: I only seed the first
act, but not the second. Delmer: Why
didn't you stay?
Parley: I couldn't wait that long. It said on the program, 'Two Years
Later.'
- Did
you hear about the fool who
keeps going round saying "no"?
No.
Oh, so it's you!
- Did
you hear about the Puerto Rican
secretary who was getting so experienced
she could type twenty
mistakes a minute?
- Did you
hear about the Texan who
moved to Oklahoma and raised the IQ level of
both states?
- Did you hear
about the dimwit who
was so dumb he thought Gatorade was welfare for
crocodiles?
- Did you hear
about the hillbilly who
went into the hardware store to
buy a chain saw ?
He said I want
one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.
He was back at the
hardware store with the saw a couple days later
complaining that it
only
cut one tree and that took all day.
The clerk at the hardware
store started the saw to see what the
problem was.
The hillbilly
jumped back and said what the hell is that
noise?
- Did you hear
about the idiot who
made his chickens drink boiling water?
He thought they would lay hard
boiled eggs.
- Did you hear
about the stupid
water-polo player?
His horse drowned . . .
- Did you hear about
the Brooklyn
bubblebrain who was two hours late for work because the
escalator got
stuck?
- Did you hear about
the stupid
woodworm?
He was found in a brick.
- Did you hear about the
Baton Rouge
bride who cancelled the wedding when she heard her friends
were
planning to give her a shower?
- Did you hear about the
Iranian
terrorist who switched off the fans of his stolen helicopter
because he
couldn't stand the draft?
- Did you hear about the dimwit who went
to visit his
girlfriend and found she didn't have very much on?
He went back nine months later and she had a little moron.
- Did you hear about the dumb
father
who returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door, "Back in 30
minutes," so he sat down to wait for himself?
- Did you hear about the dumb father who
got up and struck a
match to see if he had blown out the candle?
- Did you hear about the Finn who
spent a fortune building a storm cellar in case there was an
earthquake.
- Did you hear about the Georgia
accountant who absconded with all the accounts payable?
- Did you hear about the guy
from
Newfoundland who was twenty-two years old before he knew which
part of
the olive to throw away?
- Did you hear about the hillbilly who
asked his friends to give him their burnt-out light bulbs. He wanted
to
start a dark room.
- Did you hear about the idiot
who
invented the one-piece jigsaw puzzle?
- Did you hear about the idiot who
planted Cheerios in his backyard?
He thought they were donut
seeds.
- Did you hear about the idiot who filled
out an employment
application?
In the blank labeled "Church
Preference" he filled in: Red
brick.
- Did you hear about the Irishman who
tried to swim the English channel?
Halfway across he decided he
couldn't make it so he swam
back.
- Did you hear about the Mexican
bricklayer who went crazy trying to lay a cornerstone in a roundhouse.
- Did you hear about the Montana moron
who went looking for a
gas leak with a safety match?
- Did you hear about the Murfreesboro
muddlebrain whose father told him about the birds and the bees?
The next day, the Tennessean was stung by a bee and thought he was
pregnant.
- Did you hear about the Oklahoma
idiot who married an American Indian? They had a baby and wanted to name
it to reflect both races.
So they called it Running Dummy.
- Did you hear about the Omaha mother who
got tired of putting name tags on her son's shirts, so she had his
name legally changed to "Machine Washable"?
- Did you hear about the rookie Rhode
Island cop who gave out
twenty-two parking tickets before he found out
he was at a drive-in
movie?
- Did you hear about the stupid
Kamikaze pilot ?
He flew 57 missions !
- Did you hear about the stupid
photographer?
He saved burned out lightbulbs for use in his darkroom.
- Did you hear about the stupid wizard?
He couldn't remember if he used to be forgetful.
- Did you hear about the village idiot
buying bird seed?
He said he wanted to grow some birds.
- Doctor: That deafness cure help your
brother?
Archie: Sure did! He hadn't heard a sound in years, and the
very day
after he took that medicine, he heard from America!
- Duayne met Patricia Ann from Birmingham
at a Tus-caloosa
ballroom.
They danced every dance
together. When the evening was over, he asked
if he could see her next time
he was in town.
"Yes," replied Patricia Ann shyly.
The
young man hurriedly took out his pad and pencil and asked,
"What's
your number?"
"CApitol 4-6173."
After a long
embarrassed pause, Duayne asked, "How do yew make a
capital 4?"
- During a break on a North Dakota office
building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle.
"Ah heard the boys is gonna strike," he said.
"What
fer?" asked Pyle.
"Shorter hours."
"Good fer them!" said
the redneck. "Ah always did think sixty
minutes was too long fer an
hour!"
- Edney and Cole, two Ohio Edison
electrical repairmen, were
working on a blown house circuit.
"Hey,
Cole!" said Edney. "See those two wires?"
"Sure," Cole
answered.
"Now just grab one of them."
Cole grabbed one of the
wires.
"Feel anything?" asked his partner.
"Not a
thing," answered Cole.
"Good!" said Edney. "Don't touch the other
one or you'll drop
dead!"
- Fire
investigators on Maui have
determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed
a $127,000 home last
month - a short in the homeowner's newly
installed fire prevention
alarm system. "This is even worse than last year,"
said the
distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new
security
system..."
- Four Independence boys, Pugh, Sumter,
Kilby and
Grayson, were walking down a Clay County road when they
came to a high,
solid brick wall. Wondering what was behind it, Pugh,
Sumter and Kilby
boosted Grayson so he could take a look. "Looks
like one of them nudist
camps," reported Grayson. "Men or women?"
asked Pugh. "Can't
tell," said Grayson. "They don't have no clothes
on."
- Fred: Did you hear about the Irish
window
cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder?
Harry: What
did the sign say?
Fred: Stop.
- Fred: Do you think I'm a fool?
Harry: No. But what's my opinion against thousands of others?
- Guidry called in Plotke, the painter,
for an estimate to paint his house.
"How much you gonna
charge me?" asked Guidry.
"Twenty dollars an hour," replied Plotke.
"Good Lord!" exclaimed the home owner. "I wouldn't pay
Michelangelo
that price!"
"I tell you one thing, mister," said the
painter. "If that guy you
mentioned is doin' the job for less, he
ain't no member of our
union!"
- Hatton: I ain't as dumb as I look!
Folsom: You couldn't
be!
- He is so dumb, he thinks an agent is
someone who keeps track of your
age!
- Henderson bought a new
car and,
after he left the showroom, decided to catch a movie. When he
came
out, Henderson noticed he'd locked the car and left the keys in
the
ignition.
He telephoned the dealer. "Which is the cheapest
window to break?" he
asked.
"You don't have to break any of the
windows," explained the dealer.
"I'll come right down with another
key and we can open it together."
"No, no!" shouted the new car
owner. "I gotta know now! It's about
to rain and I wanna put the
top up!"
- Holton
sat down in a Green Bay
restaurant and said to the waitress, "Do you
know whether the milk from
this dairy is pasteurized?"
"Sure is!" she answered. "Every morning
they turn the cows out to
pasture."
- Hoot: How the hell can ya be so stupid?
Jessie: Well, it ain't somethin' yew can pick up overnight.
- Housekeeper: Professor, there's a bill
collector at the door. I told him you were out. But he wouldn't
believe me.
Professor: No? Then I suppose I'll have to go and
tell him
myself.
- How do Alaska CB radio operators say
"10-4"?
"5-5-2-2."
- How do Filipinos count money?
One-a, two-a, three-a, four-a, another-a ...
- How do you confuse an idiot?
Give
him two spades and ask him to take his pick.
- How do you keep an imbecile
happy
all his life ?
Tell him a joke when he's a baby !
- How does a Russian Aeroflot
pilot
navigate? By reading street signs.
- How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.
- I
was sitting in my science class,
when the teacher commented that the
next day would be the shortest
day of the year. My lab partner became
visibly excited, cheering
and clapping. I explained to her that the amount
of daylight changes,
not the actual amount of time. Needless to say,
she was very
disappointed.
- I can't understand the critics
saying that only an idiot would like that television program. I really
enjoyed it.
- I don't know
what it is that makes
you stupid but whatever it is, it works.
- I live in a semi-rural area. We
recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to
request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The
reason:
Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted
them to cross
there.
- I saw a pen in a
store the other
day. I picked it up and took a look at it
cause it was prettier than
most.
The clerk said, "It's made in Germany".
I said, "That's too
bad, I can't use it then".
The clerk said, "What's the matter? You
don't like German pens?"
I said, "No. I just never learned to write
German."
- Iraq has just ordered two
thousand
septic tanks from Russia.
As soon as the Iraqis learn to drive
them, they are going to invade
Iran.
- IRS Agent: What's all this? Bracken:
Well, you told me to bring all my records with me and I did.
Here's some by Willie Nelson, Tammy Wynette, and Garth Brooks . .
.
- Izzard went into a Baltimore bank to
cash his check. Since he didn't have an account there, the teller
asked
if he could identify himself.
"Sure," said Izzard.
"There a mirror around here?"
"There's one on the wall right
beside you," said the clerk.
Izzard took a glance in the mirror and
heaved a sigh of relief.
"Yep!" he said. "It's me, all
right!"
- Jett was trying to
light a match.
He struck the first one and it didn't work, so he threw it
away.
He struck the second match. That didn't work either, so he tossed
it.
Jett struck the third one and it lit up. "That's a good one!"
said
the idiot, blowing it out.
"Ah'm gonna save it!"
- Jim sees his neighbor out back building
a bunker, loading in 75 gallons of bottled water, hauling in a gas
generator and so on. "So, uh, I guess you believe Y2K is a biggie
huh?"
"Naw", says the neighbor. "Ah's jes' stockin' the bunker
now,
'cuz if I did it any other time, people'd think ah's
nuts."
- Kennen was having a drink in a saloon
when his neighbor,
Stakely, came rushing in.
"Ah think
somebody's stealin' yore pickup truck!" the man said
breathlessly.
Kennan ran outside, but came back right away.
"Well, did
yew stop him?" asked Stakely.
"Naw!" said the redneck. "He was
too fast. But Ah got his license
plate before he got away!"
- Kowalski and Janzek left Hamtramack and
went out in the woods looking for
Christmas trees.
They
looked all day without any luck.
Near nightfall Kowalski finally
said, "Janzek, I'm takin' the next
tree we come to, whether it has
lights on it or not!"
- Loomis: Does your dog have a license?
Fenton: Hell, no! I do all the
drivin'.
- Mayne and Willard, two idiots, were in
a rowboat on a lake fishing.
Suddenly the spray from a motorboat
racing by flooded their boat.
"How we gonna get the water out?" asked
Mayne. "Easy," said
Willard. "We just bore a hole in the bottom of
the boat and let the water
drain out." The men drilled a hole in
the bottom, and more water started
rushing in. "Wait a minute!"
exclaimed Mayne. "We need another hole
so's the water comin' in
through the first one has a place to go back
into the lake!"
- Melburn was strolling along downtown
Natchez with a framed picture
under his arm. "Hey, what yew got
there?" asked a neighbor. "I dunno
much 'bout art," replied Melburn,
"but Ah just bought me an original
Michelangelo for two hundred
dollars! It's one of the few he ever did in
ballpoint!"
- My
friend is so stupid he thinks
that an autograph is a chart showing sales
figures for cars.
- My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
and
ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for
"minimal
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had
iceberg.
- My friend is so silly that he spent two
weeks in a
revolving door looking for the doorknob!
- My friend is so stupid that he
thinks twice before saying nothing.
- My neighbor works in the operations
department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the
field call him when they have
problems with their computers. One night
he got a call from a woman in
one of the branch banks who had this
question: "I've got smoke coming
from the back of my terminal. Do
you guys have a fire downtown?"
- One idiot said to the other, "You
know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those
who
can count, and those who can't.
- Personnel Director: What would you do
if you broke your arm in two places?
Vanderkron: I wouldn't go
to these places no more!
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