journalist jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: journalist jokes
- A
journalist assigned to the Jerusalem
bureau takes an
apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day
when she
looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.
So
the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you
done that and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies,
"I have come here to pray every day for 25
years. In the morning I
pray for world peace and then for the
brotherhood of man. I go home
have a cup of tea and I come
back and pray for the eradication of
illness and disease from
the earth."
The journalist is
amazed. "How does it make you feel to come
here every day for 25 years
and pray for these things?" she
asks.
The old man looks at her
sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."
- A car was involved in an accident in a
street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter,
anxious to
get his story could not get near the car.
Being a
clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let
me
through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for
him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
- A cub reporter for
a small town
newspaper was sent out on his first assignment. He
submitted the following
report to his editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a
car accident
today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations
on her
breasts."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family
paper. We
don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and
write something
more appropiate!"
The young reporter thought
long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor
the following report.
"Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today.
She is recovering
in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )
"
- A film crew was on location deep in the
desert. One day an old
Indian went up to the director and said,
"Tomorrow rain." The next day
it rained. A week later, the Indian went up
to the director and said,
"Tomorrow storm." The next day there was
a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He
told his secretary
to hire the Indian to predict the weather.
However, after several
successful predictions, the old Indian didn't
show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to
shoot a big scene tomorrow,"
said the director, "and I'm depending
on you. What will the weather
be like?"
The Indian shrugged
his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is
broken."
- A newsboy was standing on the corner with a
stack of
papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people
swindled! Fifty people
swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought
a paper, and checked the front page.
Finding nothing, the man said,
"There's nothing in here about fifty
people being
swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it.
Fifty-one people swindled!"
- A photographer for a national
magazine
was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at
the
scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called
his
home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the
airport!" he was assured by his
editor. As soon as he got to the small,
rural airport, sure enough, a
plane was warming up near the runway.
He jumped in with his equipment and
yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"
The pilot swung the plane into the
wind and soon they were in the
air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the
photographer, "and
make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the
pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not
the
instructor?"
- A shy guy goes into a bar and
sees a
beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up
his
courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Would
you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she
responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I
won't sleep with you
tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally,
the guy is
hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back
to his table. After
a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles
at him and says, "I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
journalist and I've got an assignment to
study how people respond to
embarrassing situations."
To which
he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean
$200?"
- A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital
and tells the desk
nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear
doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to
see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he
says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the
eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear
doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear
doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says:
"Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would
you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one
thing and seeing
another."
- A weather forecaster took a job in another
part of the country. When asked why he transferred he replied, "The
weather didn't agree with me."
- A woman telephoned her local newspaper to
let them know that she had just given birth to eighteen children.
The
reporter didn't quite hear the message and said, "Would you
repeat
that?"
"Not if I can help it," replied the woman.
- An honest weatherman says, "Today's
forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I'm
wrong."
- George W. Bush is seen crossing the Potomac
river on foot.
The Washington Post : "President Bush crosses the
Potomac River".
The Washington Time : "Bush's conservative approach
saves taxpayers a
boat".
Mother Jones : "Bush can't swim".
- How many
journalists does it take to
change a light bulb?
"We just report the facts, we don't change
them." Three. One to
report it as an inspired government program to
bring light to the people,
one to report it as a diabolical government
plot to deprive the poor of
darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer
prize for reporting that Electric
Company hired a light bulb assassin
to break the bulb in the first
place.
- How many computer journalists does it take
to screw in a light
bulb?
Five. One to write a review of all the
existing light bulbs so you can
decide which one to buy, another
one to write a remarkably similar one
in another magazine the next
month, a third to have a big one come out
on glossy paper two months
later that is by then completely out of
date, a fourth to hint in
her column that a completely new and updated bulb
is coming out, and
the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is
shipping with a
virus.
- How many editors does it take to change a
light
bulb?
Only one, but first he has to rewire the entire
building.
- How many journalists does it take to change
a light bulb?
"We just report the facts, we don't change
them."
- Q: How many
journalists does it take to
screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired
government program to bring
light to the people, one to report it as a
diabolical government plot to
deprive the poor of darkness, and one
to win a pulitzer prize for
reporting that Electric Company hired a
lightbulb assassin to break the bulb
in the first place.
- Q: How many editors does it take to change
a lightbulb?
A: It was supposed to be in place last week!
- Q: How many publishers does it take to
change a
lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold
down the
editor.
- Reporter: My editor sent
me to do the
burglary.
Policeman: You're too late - it's already been done.
- Reporter: To
what do you attribute your
old age?
Old Man: To the fact that I was born in 1890.
- Reporter: What made you
go out on that
dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend?
Boy Hero: I
had to do it. He had my skates on.
- Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a
journalist are
covering a political convention in Miami. They
decide to walk up and down
the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up
the beach, they stumbled
upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie
appears and says "Normally I
would grant you three wishes, but
since there are three of you, I will
grant you each one
wish."
The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my
life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The
genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St.
Thomas.
The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life
living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money
worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the
Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And
what would your
wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want the
m both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the
deadline for
tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.
- What do you get if you cross a ghost and a
newsreader ?
A spooksman !
- What do you get if you cross a newsreader
and a toad
?
A croaksman !
- What do you get if you cross a radio music
presenter
with Match of the Day ?
DDDDDDDDDDDDDJ !
- What do you get if you cross a sports
reporter with a vegetable ?
A common tater !
- When a visitor to a small town in Georgia
came upon a wild dog
attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the
animal and throttled it with
his two hands.
A reporter saw the
incident, congratulated the man and told him the
headline the
following day would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by
Killing
Vicious Animal."
The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from
that town.
"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will
probably say,
'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing
Dog'."
"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."
"In that case,"
the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should
read, 'Yankee
Kills Family Pet'."
- Who do you think was sent to cover the
story of the baby lion born in the
zoo? A cub reporter.
- Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of
the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.
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