men jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: men jokes
- A
woman of 35 thinks of having children. What
does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
- A husband was trying to prove to his wife
that
women talk more than men.
He showed her a study which indicated
that men use about 10,000 words
per day, whereas women use 20,000
words per day.
His wife thought about this for a while. She then
told her husband that
women use twice as many words as men because
they have to repeat
everything they say.
Her husband looked
stunned. He said "What?"
- A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is
a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking
her
out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of
the air,
and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the
woman says as she pops her eye back in
place. "Let me buy you dessert
to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together,
and afterwards, the woman
invites him to the theater followed by
drinks. After paying for everything,
she asks him if he would like to
come to her place and stay for
breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said,
"you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy
you meet?"
"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my
eye."
- A man parked his car at the supermarket and was
walking
past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did
you want
that cart?"
"No," he answered. "I'm only after one
thing."
As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical
male."
- A neighbor of
mine was bit by a stray rabid
dog. I went to see how he was and found him
writing furiously. I told
him rabies could be cured and he didn't have
to worry about a
will. He said, "Will, what will? I'm making a list
of people I'm
gonna bite."
- Anytime you see a young man open a car door for
his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
- Brian was dating
Lorraine and they were very
close. While they were dating he met another
woman named Clearly and
wanted to start dating her but felt that he should
be faithful to
Lorraine. So he continued to date Lorraine. One day
Brian took
Lorraine on a walk in the woods by the river. As they were
walking near
the river Lorraine fell in and was washed away. Brian softly
sang,
"I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone..."
- Give a man a fish and he will
eat for a
day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit
in a boat and drink beer all
day.
- How are men like carpet
tiles?
If you lay
them properly the first time around, you can walk all over
them for
the rest of your life.
- How are men like noodles?
They are always in
hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.
- How can you tell if a man is cheating on
you?
He has a bath more than once a month.
- How do you confuse a man?
You don't - they're
born that way.
- How do you lose fourteen stone of fat?
Dump
him.
- How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind
him and start throwing rice.
- How is being at a singles bar
different from
going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
- How many honest, intelligent, caring men
in
the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
- How many men
does it take to open a beer?
- None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
- How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet
paper?
No one knows, it's never happened.
- How many men does it take to make
popcorn?
Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the
stove.
- If a man says something in the middle
of a
forest, and there is no women
around to hear him, is he still wrong?
- Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man
says, "why
did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would
love you." "But God," the man says, "why
did you make her so
dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
- Men
are like road kill.
They usually just
lie around until they start to smell.
- Men are
like computers.
Hard to figure out
and never enough memory.
- Men are
like high heels.
They're easy
to walk on once you get the hang of it.
- Men are
like placemats.
They only show
up when there's food on the table.
- Men are
like plastic wrap.
Cheap. Clingy.
And very easy to see through.
- Men are like
chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth
and they usually head right for your hips.
- Men are like
curling irons.
They're
always hot, and they're always in your hair.
- Men are like
lava lamps.
Fun to look
at, but not very bright.
- Men are like
mascara.
They usually run
at the first sign of emotion.
- Men are like
power tools.
They make a lot
of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
- Men are like
soap operas.
They're fun to
watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
- Men are like animals:
messy, insensitive
and
potentially violent, but they make great pets.
- Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot
of money, they don't generate much interest.
- Men are like bike
helmets.
They are
handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look
silly.
- Men are like coffee.
The best ones are rich,
hot and can keep you up all night.
- Men are like coolers.
Load them with beer and
you can take them anywhere.
- Men are like copiers.
You need them for
reproduction, but that's about it.
- Men are like department
stores.
Their
clothes should always be half off.
- Men are like fine wine. They all
start out
like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and
keep them
in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have
dinner with.
- Men are like government bonds.
They take so
long to mature.
- Men are like horoscopes.
They always tell you
what to do and are usually wrong.
- Men are like mini skirts.
If you're not
careful, they'll creep up your legs.
- Men are like old
car tires.
Balding, full
of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
- Men are like pillows.
Eventually, even the best
ones get soft and lumpy.
- Men are like plungers.
They spend most of their
lives in a hardware store or the
bathroom
- Men are like remote controls.
Simple. Easy to
use. And usually lying around a TV.
- Men are like shag
carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and
extremely easy to walk on.
- Men are like vacuum
cleaners.
They're not
much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
- Men don't
get lost; they discover alternative
destinations.
- Now do you save a man from drowning?
Take your
foot off his head.
- One day in the Garden of
Eden, Eve calls out
to God, "Lord, I
have a problem!"
"What's the problem,
Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this
beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious
comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?"
came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to
death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution.
I shall create a man
for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies,
an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you
properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be
bigger
and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good
at
fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed
ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds g
reat," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah,
well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt
stick. But, you
can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
- One night a wife found her husband
standing
over their baby's
crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood
looking down at
the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of
emotions:
disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment,
skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it
aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her
husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's
amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can
make a crib
like that for only $46.50."
- One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his
lawn
chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A
neighbor lady
was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the
man, "You
should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am.
That's why she cuts
the grass!"
- Q.
How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By
sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
- Q. How
are men like television
commercials?
A. You can't believe a word either one of them says, and they both
last about 30 seconds.
- Q. How
does a man show he's planning for the
future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
- Q. How can you tell if a man
is happy?
A.
Who cares?
- Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A.
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
- Q. How many men does it
take to wallpaper a
bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
- Q. What do most men
consider a gourmet
restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.
- Q. What do you
call a woman who knows where
her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
- Q. What do you call a
handcuffed man?
A.
Trustworthy.
- Q. What do you instantly know
about a
well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
- Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed
gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the
pillow down long enough.
- Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight
dinner?
A. A power failure.
- Q. What should you give a man who has
everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
- Q. What's a man's idea
of honestly in a
relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
- Q. What's the best way to force a man
to do
sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
- Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
- Q. Where is the best place in a book
store to
find a man who is handsome,
a good lover and a stimulating
partner?
A. In the pages of a romance novel.
- Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A.
Because they're all pigs.
- Q. Why do men buy electric
lawn mowers?
A.
So they can find their way back to the house.
- Q. Why do men like love at first site?
A. It
saves them a lot of time.
- Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites
attract.
- Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV
sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
- Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that
are
sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men
already have boyfriends.
- Q. Why is the book "Women Who
Love Too Much" a
disappointment for many
men?
A. No phone numbers.
- Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill
for men?
A: It changes their blood type.
- Q: How do you keep your
husband from reading
your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
- Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving
her money, furs and diamonds.
- Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
- Q: Men will brag that
there are women waiting
by the phone at this very moment for their call.
Who are these
women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.
- Q: What are the three types of men?
A: The
handsome, the caring, and the majority.
- Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their
own business?
1. No mind
2. No business.
- Q: What do you call a man who marries an old, ugly
and
poor woman?
A: Desperate!
- Q: What's the best
way to kill a man?
A:
Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to
pick only one.
- Q: Why do men float better than
women?
A:
Because they are scum.
- Q: Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind
wander?
A: It's too little to be out alone.
- Question: How many men does it take to mop the
floor?
Answer: None, it's a women's job.
- Question: If a man speaks in the
forest and
there is no woman around to hear him, is he still
wrong?
- QUESTION: Why are lifesavers better than men?
ANSWER: They come in five flavors.
- The difference
between men and women
A man
is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving
down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the
window and yells, "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out his window and
replies, "Stupid!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man
rounds the next corner
he slams into a pig in the middle of the
road.
- There are a lot of words you
can use to
describe men: strong, caring, loving.
They'd be wrong, but you could
still use them.
- There are only two four letter words that are
offensive to men:
"don't" and "stop".
- There were 11 people
hanging on to a single
rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying
to bring them to
safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.
They all decided that one
person would have to let go because if they
didn't, the rope would
break and all of them would die.
No one could decide who it
should be. Finally the woman gave a really
touching speech, saying how
she would give up her life to save the
others, because women were
used to giving things up for their husbands and
children and giving
in to men.
All of the men started clapping.
- This man says to his friend," I stopped
driving 10 years ago. Now my wife drives and I just sit there and hold
the wheel."
- Two
confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their
conversation drifted
from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook
once," said the first,
"but I could never do anything with
it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said
it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -
'Take a clean
dish and....'"
- Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture
of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her
goal.
The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that
she had
lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.
The downside to
this was that her husband spent so much time going
into the fridge to
look at the picture that he ended up gaining
fifteen pounds.
- What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon,
you and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the
floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear,
if we don't do laundry
right now!"
What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah,
C'mon
blah, blah, blah, blah,
you and I blah, blah, blah, blah,
on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah,
no clothes blah, blah,
blah, blah,
right now !
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