mental health jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: mental health jokes
- "Great news,
Mr. Oscarson," the
psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of
therapy, I can
pronounce you finally and completely cured of your
kleptomania. You'll
never be trapped by the desire to steal again."
"Gee, that's
great, Doc," the patient replied.
"And just to prove it, I want you
to stop by Sears on the way home and
walk the length of the store.
You'll see - you'll feel no temptation
to shoplift
whatsoever."
"Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?"
"Well,"
suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I
could use a
new microwave."
- "The trouble is," said the entertainer
to
the psychiatrist, "that I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't
tell
jokes, I can't act, I can't play an instrument or juggle or
do magic
tricks or do anything!"
"Then why don't you give up
show business?"
"I can't - I'm a star!"
- A
psychiatrist was conducting a group
therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he
said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even
named your daughter
Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He
turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your
child's
name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took
her little boy by the
hand and whispered, "Come on sweety, let's go
home."
- A doctor of psychology was doing his
normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found
Patient
#1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in
half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient
replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The
doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1
replied,
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks
he's a
lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's
face is going
all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's
your friend, you should get him
down from there before he hurts
himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
- A group of
psychiatrists were
attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and
walked out
together. One said to the other three, "People are always
coming to us
with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can
go to
when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since
we are all professionals, why don't we take
some time right now to
hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first
then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my
patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so
I find
ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can
so I can buy
the things I want."
The third followed with,
"I'm involved with selling drugs and often
get my patients to sell
them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know
I'm not supposed to,
but no matter how hard I try, I can't kee
p a secret..."
- A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He
says, "It seems I can't
make any friends. Can you help me, you fat
slob?"
- A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I
keep
having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee;
then I'm
a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's
driving me
crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's
very simple.
You're two tents."
- A guy had been feeling down for so long
that he finally decided to seek the aid of a
psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the
profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel
better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat
thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his
face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said,
"Um, I
think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common
among
losers."
- A man
walked into a therapist's
office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've
got to help me. I can't
go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the docotor
inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the
ladies. No
matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them
away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on
your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the
bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun
person, and
an attractive person. But say it with real conviction.
Within a week
you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The
man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a
bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden
expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the
doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've e
njoyed some of
the best moments in my life with the most fabulous
looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't
have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
- A man is strolling past the mental
hospital and suddenly
remembers an important
meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late
or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the
hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon
me, sir, but do you
have the time?"
The patient calls back,
"One moment!" and throws himself upon the
ground, pulling out a
short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the
ground, and,
pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the
stick is
vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel
ruler,
measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the
stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient
calculates
rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to
the
pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided
today is August 16th,
which I believe it is."
The man
can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets
his watch
accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was
really quite
remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy
day, or at night, when
the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds
up his wrist and says,
"I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
- A man who thinks he's George Washington
has been seeing a
psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by
telling him, "Tomorrow,
we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when
they least expect it."
As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist
picks up the phone and says,
"King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I
have the plans."
- A psychologist is at
a party talking
with a small group of people, when a man comes up
behind him and
taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and
the man
hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes
himself
off, turns to the group and declares: "That's his
problem."
- A psychologist returned from a confrence
in Aspen lodge, where all
the psychologists were permited to ski
for free. Her husband asked her,
"How it went?". She replied, "Fine,
but I've never seen so many
Freudians slips."
- A woman entered a psychiatrist's
consulting room
leadind a kangaroo."I'm worried about my husband,
doctor, " she said.
"He keeps thinking he's a kangaroo! "
- A young woman
took her troubles to a
psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she
pleaded. "It's
gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in
bed with him.
And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a
week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to
strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For
God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so
I won't
feel guilty and depressed afterward."
- After hearing that one of the patients
in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by
pulling
him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the
rescuer's
file and called him into his office.
"Mr. Haroldson,
your records and your heroic behavior indicate that
you're ready to
go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later
killed
himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself,"
Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up
to dry."
- Did you hear about
the auto mechanic
who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying
under the
couch?
- Doctor ! Doctor ! I think I'm
going
crazy. I have a carrot growing out of my ear.
Amazing ! so you have.
How could that have happened ?
I can't understand it either,
because I planted cabbage !
- Doctor, Doctor,
I think I'm a
bridge.
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a
coach.
- Doctor, doctor,
people keep telling
me I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.
- Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate,
one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!
And how long
have you had this complaint?
What complaint?
- Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small
bucket.
You do look a little pail.
- Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!
No
problem. Hop up on the couch.
- Doctor, doctor, I keep
trying to get
into fights.
And how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants
to know?
- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a
spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.
- Doctor, doctor, I'm
manic-depressive.
Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm
- Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59
seconds
to live.
Wait a minute please.
- Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I
say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?
- Doctor, doctor, nobody understands
me.
What do you mean by that?
- Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a
wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.
- Doctor, I have a ringing in my
ears.
Don't answer!
- Fred: "Why are you so upset?"
Harry:
"My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning."
Fred: "So
what?"
Harry: "So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband.
You know,
one of the men I've been telling you about'."
- How
many Passive Aggressive P.D.
does to take to change a lightbulb?
Oops.I can't believe I broke the
last one. I guess you'll have to sit
in
the dark.
- How do
you tell the difference
between the staff and the inmates at a
psychiatric hospital?
The
patients get better and leave.
Not everyone of the patients thinks
he is God.
The staff have the keys!
- How many
Borderline P.D. does to
take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. To threaten suicide if you don't
change it for
him/her.
- How many
psychologists does it take
to change a light bulb? Just one, but the
light bulb really has to
want to change.
- How many Dependent P.D. does to take to
change a lightbulb?
None, he's still clinging to the old
lightbulb.
- How many Histrionic
P.D. does to
take to change a lightbulb?
"You want me to change the lightbulb? I
could burn my hand! I could be
electrocuted! I could fall off the
ladder and be paralyzed for life!
You
don't love me anymore!"
- How many Obsessive-Compulsive P.D. does
to take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. But he has to check it 100
times, one for each watt.
- How many psychiatrists
does it take
to change a light bulb? One, but he must consult the
DSM-IV.
- How many psychiatrists does it take to
change a light bulb? "How long have you been having this
phantasy?"
- How many psychiatrists does it take to
change a light bulb? "Why does
the light bulb necessarily have to
change?"
- How many psychoanalysts does it take to
change a light bulb?
"How many do you think it takes?"
- How many psychologists does
it take
to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb will change itself when
it's ready.
- How many psychologists does it
take
to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits.
- In a psychiatrist's waiting room two
patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are
you
here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told
me to come
here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you
know that you're
Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I
was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts,
"NO I
DIDN'T!"
- Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for
four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his
bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep.
Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day
he stops
seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something
different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his
old client in
the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking
well-rested,
energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's
amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you
seem to be doing
much better. How?"
"I went to see another
doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he
cured me in just ONE
session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah,"
continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the
psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one
session?"
"Oh,
easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my
bed."
- Mary was having a tough day
and had
stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she
thought
to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.
She moaned to
her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole
world hates
me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up
at her
and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true,
Mary. Some
people don't even know you."
- My therapist told me the way to achieve
true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I
have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel
better already.
- One behaviorist to another after
lovemaking:
"Darling, that was wonderful for you. How was it for
me?"
- One out of every four people is
suffering from some
form of mental illness.
Check three friends. If
they're OK, then it's you.
- Patient: Doctor, I get the feeling that
people don't give a hoot about anything I say.
Psychiatrist:
So?
- Patient: Doctor, my
wife thinks I'm
crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like
sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've
got
hundreds of them.
- Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm
under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with
people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I,
YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!
- Patient: I'm really depressed.
Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.
Patient: Nothing is going
well.
Therapist: Nothing well.
Patient: I feel like killing
myself.
T: You're thinking of killing yourself.
P: Yes, I'm going
to do it NOW.
T: You want to do it now.
P: [Jumps out window.]
T: Woosh. Splat.
- Patient: Why did you
charge me a
group rate?
Psychiatrist: You've got multiple personalities.
- Psychiatrist to his nurse:
"Just say
we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a
madhouse.'"
- Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on
couch: "Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you --
everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the
world."
- Psychiatrist: Well, what's
your
problem?
Patient: I prefer brown shoes to black
shoes.
Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that. Lots of people prefer
brown
shoes to black shoes. I do myself.
Patient: Really? How do your like
yours - fried or boiled?
- The
aspiring psychiatrists were
attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish
some parameters," said the professor to the
student from Arkansas,
"What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the
student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from
Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to
the young man from Texas, "how about the
opposite of
woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
- The
mother of a problem child was
advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far
too upset and worried about
your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers
regularly."
On her
next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers
calmed
you down?"
"Yes," the boy's mother answered.
"And how is
your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.
"Who cares?" the mother
replied.
- The
psychology instructor had just
finished a lecture on mental health and
was giving an oral
test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would
you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the
top of
his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping
uncontrollably the
next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and
answered, "A basketball
coach?"
- The head doctors in an insane asylum had
a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially
well.
So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When
they get to
the movie theater, there are signs of wet paint pointing
to the
benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a
newspaper down
first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited
cause they think
maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask
him, " Why did you put
the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So
I'd be higher and have a
better view."
- Three
patients in a mental
institution prepare for an examination given by the
head psychiatrist. If
the patients pass the exam, they will be free to
leave the hospital.
However, if they fail, the institution will detain
them for five
years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving
board
looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first
patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and
breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both
legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you
jump?" asked
the doctor.
To which the third patient
answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
- Three patients at a psychiatric clinic
are up for
release. The shrink informs them that they will have to
pass a simple
test. Asking the first patient:
Q. How much is two
plus two?
A: Blue.
At which the kind doctor calls in the
orderly to escort the patient
back to his room.
Turning to
the second patient, he asks what is six minus three? To
which the
patient replies: Square. Once again the orderly is called in to
remove
the patient. Turning to the third and last patient, he asks,
"How
much is five plus five?" The patient answers very confidentally:
Ten. The doctor, amazed then inquires how did you figure it out? The
patient: "Easy.Blue multiplied by square equals ten."
- Two psychiatrists were walking down a
hall.
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other
one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."
- Two psychologists meet at their
twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while
the
other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
The
older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening
to
other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end,
has made an old man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who
listens?"
- What
happens if you tell a
psychiatrist you are schizophrenic?
He charges you double.
- What do Psychologists say to each
other when they meet?"
"You're fine, how am I? "
- What do you know when you see three
rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats?
You
know you need a psychiatrist!
- What is the difference between a
psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my
mother," he will ask "Why do
you say that?" while a psychologist will
say "Thank you for sharing
that with us."
- What's the difference between a
psychologist and a magician?
A psychologist pulls habits out of
rats!
- When the new patient was settled
comfortably on the couch,
the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm
not aware of your
problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you
should start at the very
beginning."
"Of course." replied the
patient. "In the beginning, I created the
Heavens and the Earth..."
- When they arrived at the therapist's
office, the
therapist jumped right in and opened the floor for
discussion. "What seems
to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held
his long face down
without anything to say. On the other hand, the
wife began talking 90
miles and hour describing all the wrongs
within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening
to the wife, the therapist
went over to her, picked her up by her
shoulders, kissed her
passionately for several minutes, and sat her
back down. Afterwards, the wife sat
there - speechless.
He
looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had
happened. The therapist spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at
least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and
replied, "I can have her here on
Tuesdays and Thursdays."
- Why did the witch go to the
psychiatrist?
Because she thought everybody loved her.
- Why is a psychiatrist like a
squirrel?
Because they are both surrounded by nuts.
- Why is psychoanalysis
a lot quicker
for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to
childhood, a man is already
there.
PAGE: [1]