police jokes - Jokes at Nerida
Jokes: police jokes
- "I'll have to report you, sir," said the
traffic cop
to the speeding driver. "You were doing 85 miles an hour."
"Nonsense,
officer," declared the driver. "I've only been in the
car for ten
minutes."
- "Now as I understand it, Sir," said the
police officer to the motorist, "you were driving this vehicle when the
accident occurred. Can you tell me what happened?"
"I'm afraid
not, officer," replied the motorist. "I had my eyes
shut!"
- "When I saw you driving down the
road, I
guessed 55 at least."
"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat
that makes me look that
old."
- - Santa Claus, one
smart and one stupid
policeman are walking together when they spotted
hundred dollars on
the ground. Who will take the money?
- ???
- Stupid policeman,
since Santa Claus and the smart policeman don't
exist.
- A
farmer and his pig were driving down the
road when a cop pulled him over.
The cop asked the farmer,
"Didn't you know it is against the law to
ride with a pig in the front
of you truck?"
The farmer replied, "No, I didn't knowed
that."
The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To
Memphis".
The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you
promise to
take the pig to the zoo when you get to
Memphis."
So the farmer promised he would.
Several days later the cop
spotted the farmer with the pig driving down
the road and he pulled him
over again.
The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig
to the zoo when
you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied
"I did and we had so
much fun, I'm taking him to the circus."
- A
local policeman had just finished his
shift one cold November evening and
was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years
on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes
dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal,
one of them was drinking
battery acid and the other was eating
fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did
you do with
them ?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and
let the other off."
- A
squad car driver was covering a quiet
beat out in the sticks when he was
amazed to find a former lieutenant
on the police force covering the
beat.
He stopped the car
and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your
new beat out here
in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is, "Irish Mike replied
grimly, "ever since I arrested the
judge on his way to the masquerade
ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How
was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?"
demanded
Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this
somewhere."
"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a
judge by his cover."
- A blonde
was visiting Washington, DC for
the first time. She wanted to see the
Capitol building.
Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a
police officer for
directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the
Capitol
building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54
bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he
drives
off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to
the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the
same bus stop. The officer
got out of his car and said, "Excuse me,
but to get to the Capitol
building, I said to wait here for the
number 54 bus. That was three hours
ago. Why are you still
waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long
now. The
45th bus just went by!"
- A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde
were
robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the
store.
The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.
The cop
kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop
says, "oh,
its only a cat"
He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says,
"woof, woof". The cop
says, "its only a dog".
He kicks the
third bag, and the blonde says, "potato"
- A client of a hospital where they made brain
transplantations asked
about the prices.
The doctor said,
"Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain
belonged to a NASA
top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a
policeman's brain as
well. It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What? How's that
possible?"
The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."
- A cop pulls a car over on the highway for
speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued,
"Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance
between
my car the the car in back of me."
- A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two
lanes of
traffic.
He walks up to the drivers window and asks, "You
drinkin'?"
The driver said, "You buyin'?"
- A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the
highway you're on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting
me know. I'll be more
careful.
At this point the cop looks
in the backseat where the other nuns are
shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back
there?
They're shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just
got off of highway 119.
- A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and
the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did
stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that
he
didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman
said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.
The cop
pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for
about
a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just
slow down?'
- A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated
Irishman, who was also severly bleeding.
The officer asked, "Can
you describe the person who did this to you?"
The Irishman
replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit
me."
- A defense attorney was
cross-examining a
police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q:
Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I
subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the
offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this
description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q:
A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my
life.
Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have
a
locker room in the police station, a room where you change your
clothes in
preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we
do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir,
I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes
sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow of
ficers with your
life, that you find it necessary to lock your
locker in a room you
share with those officers?
A: You see sir,
we share the building with a court complex, and
sometimes defense
attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
- A defense attorney was cross-examining
a
police officer during
a felony trial - it went like this:
Q.
Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I
subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender
running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this
description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A
fellow officer provided the description of this so-
called offender. Do
you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q.
With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you
have a
locker room in the police station - a room where you
change your clothes
in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q.
And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And
do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is
it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life
, that you find it necessary to lock your locker
in a room you
share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the
building with a court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to
walk through that
room.
- A deputy
police officer responded to a
report of a barroom disturbance. The
"disturbance" turned out to be
well over six feet tall and weighed almost
300 pounds. What's more,
he boasted that he could whip the deputy and
Muhammad Ali
too.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape
artist-probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I
had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how
strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why
don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in
the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
"I
can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the
deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope,"
he replied. "I can't
do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under
arrest."
- A farmer who's been involved
in a terrible
road accident with a large truck ended up in court
fighting for a
big compensation claim.
"I understand you're claiming damages
for the injuries you're
supposed to have suffered?" Stated the
counsel for the insurance company.
"Yes, that's right," replied the
farmer, nodding his head.
"You claim you were injured in the
accident, yet I have a signed
police statement that says that when the
attending police officer asked you
how you were feeling, you
replied, 'I've never felt better inn my
life.' Is that the
case?"
"Yeah, but" stammered the farmer.
"A simple yes or not will
suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.
"Yes," Replied the
farmer.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him
questions.
"Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events
following the
accident when you made your statement of health," his
lawyer said.
"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the
accident my horse was
thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old
dog was howling in
pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my
horse and shoots him
dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at
him and shoots him dead too.
Then he come straight over to me and
asked me how I was feeling. "Now,
mate, what the heck would you have
said to him?"
- A lady was
filling her tank at a gas
station, smoking a cigarette, even though all
the signs say not to. The
fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited,
severely burning her
hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling
on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took
off running
down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it
happened and he tried to
stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept
running and screaming.
All the officer could think of doing was to
shoot her. This took
everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to
her and put the fire out, then
called for an ambulance.
When
questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer
said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a
fire-arm."
- A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when
suddenly a car
came along and hit the door, ripping it off
completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining
bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer,
look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You
lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the
officer.
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't
even
notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh no!", replied the
lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left
shoulder where his arm once
was.
"Where's my Rolex???!!!"
- A local law enforcement officer stops a car for
traveling
faster than
the posted speed limit. Since he's in a
good mood that day he decides
to give the poor fellow a break and
write him out a warning instead of
a
ticket. So, he asks the man
his name.
"Fred," he replies. Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just
Fred," the
man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last
name, the man tells him that
he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a
nut
case on his hands but plays along
with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man
replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born
Fred
Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the
time.
So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I
got
older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college,
medical school, internship, residency, finally got my
degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored
being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my
dream. Got all the way through school, got
my degree so I was now
Fred Dingaling MD DDS. I got bored doing
dentistry so I started fooling
around with my assistant. She gave me
VD.
So, I was Fred
Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out
about the VD so they took
away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD
with VD. Then the AMA found
out about the ADA taking away my DDS
because of the VD, so they took
away my MD leaving me as
Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took
away my dingaling so now
I'm just Fred."
- A local policeman had just finished his shift
one
cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
You
just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on
the force I've never seen anything like it.
Oh yes dear, what
happened ?
I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was
drinking
battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
Drinking
battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?
Oh
that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.
- A man decided that he was going to ride a
10-speed bike
from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon
City before the
mountains justbecame too much and he could go no
farther. He stuck his
thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a
single person to stop.
Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and
offered him a ride. Of
course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a
piece of rope lying by the highway
and tied it to his bumper.
He tied the other end to the bike and
told the man that if he was going
too fast, to honk the horn on his
bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the
first 30 miles.
Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be
outdone, the
Corvette pulling the biketook off after the other. A
short distance down the
road, the Corvettes, both going well over
120 mph, blew through a speed
trap. The police officer noted t
he speeds from his radar gun and
radioed to the other officer that
he had two Corvettes headed his way at over
120 mph.
He then
relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, there is a
guy
on a bike honking his horn trying to pass....
- A man leaves a bar,
gets into his car and
drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a
police officer.
Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken
driving. Would you please blow into this machine?".
Man: "I'm sorry,
I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that
machine I will
get out of air".
Officer: "Please come along to the office and we
can give you a blood
test".
Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia
and if you stick a needle in me
I will bleed to death".
Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this
white
line".
Man: "Can't do that either".
Officer: "Why not?". Man:
"Because I'm dead drunk".
- A man pulls up to the curb and asks the
policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these
other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"
- A man was
caught for speeding and went
before the judge.
The judge said, "What will you take....30 days or
$30."
The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."
- A man was speeding down a Alabama highway,
feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.
However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared
speed
detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him
the citation, received his signature and was
about to walk away when
the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding,
but I don't think
it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around
me who were
going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a
fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the
startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you
ever catch 'em all?"
- A man went to the Police
Station wishing to
speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the
night
before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk
Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the
house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for
years!"
- A middle aged woman was driving through a
school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was
giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and
everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?"
"No, ma'am,"
explained the officer, "it's your foot."
- A motorist was mailed a picture of his car
speeding through
an automated radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was
included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of
$40.
The police responded with another mailed photo -- of
handcuffs.
- A new man
is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The
old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never
believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the
Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most
beautiful women, and
I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man
asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards
missing!"
- A police car pulls up in front of grandma
Bessie's house, and
grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite
policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he
was lost in
the park...and couldn't find his way home. " Oy Morris
", said
grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30 years !
So how
could you get lost ? " Leaning close to grandma, so that the
policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, " I wasn't lost.....I was
just
too tired to walk home."
- A police man was on
duty one night and he
headed up to "Make out
Mountain" to try to catch some couples in the
act.
When he got up there he stopped at the first car where a
couple sat,
and was surprised to see the man was reading and the girl
next to him
was knitting.
He tapped on the window and said he
was with the police department then
asked how old he was and the
guy said, "I'm 22 sir." "Well how old
is she?" the officer then
asked.
Looking at his watch the guy replied, "She'll be 18 in about
6
minutes."
- A police officer attempts to stop a car for
speeding and the
guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping
100 mph. He
eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls
over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long
day and my
tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse
for your
behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a
few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with
a cop about a week
ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to
give her
back!"
- A police officer pulls a guy
over for
speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your
driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended
when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for
this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer:
The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of
it, I think I saw the
owner's card in the glove box when I was
putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove
box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed
the
woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the
trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes,
sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The
car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached
the
driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I
see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was
valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine,
officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the
car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's
a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in
it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain:
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said
there's a body
in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no
body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said
you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in
the
glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the
trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
- A police officer pulls over this guy who had
been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's
window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow
into this breathalyzer
tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an
asthmatic. If I
do that I'll have a really bad asthma
attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood
sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,
I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine
sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a
diabetic. If
I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright
then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I
can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too
drunk to do that!"
- A police officer stopped a young man for
speeding. He stepped out
of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and
swaggered up to the
young man's window. "What chew driving so fast
for boy? You going to a
fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The
young man handed over his
license.
Then the officer noticed that
the back seat of the car was full of
large knives. The officer
said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on
that there back seat?"
The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a
juggler." The officer spat
some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler;
well you don't
say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you
going to
jail!"
The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail.
He
offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of
demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I
juggle for
you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove
his point while he held
him at gunpoint.
Two miles down the
road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up
with Jerry Lee
Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty
pickup
truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the
right
side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable
sight
of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the
number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.
When
Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when
you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police
are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"
- A police officer stops a blonde for speeding
and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She
replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
show it to you!"
- A police officer, though scheduled for
all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home
four
hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to
wake his
wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and
started to
climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and
said, "Mike,
dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store
on the next block
and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting
headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across
the dark
room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said
the
druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick,
right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what
the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire
Chief?"
- A policeman had a
perfect spot to watch for
speeders, but was not getting many.
Then, he discovered the
problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the
road with a hand painted
sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD".
The officer then found a
young accomplice down the road with a sign
painted "TIPS" and a
bucket of change.
- A policeman had a perfect spot
to watch for
speeders, but wasn't
getting many. Then he discovered the
problem-a 10-year old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign
which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD." The officer then found a young
accomplice down the road with
a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of
change.
- A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident
- body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces
are
and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on
bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard"
Nope,
doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..."
dang it!
Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is
looking at him
as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."
- A policeman pulls a man over
for speeding
and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man
over he
says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are
bloodshot. Have
you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says,
"Officer, I couldn't help but
notice your eyes are glazed. Have you
been eating doughnuts?"
- A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting
at the same
time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the
window... "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"
- A policeman stops a car and suggests an
apparently drunken fellow to take a breath test. He blows, the thing
shows:
positive. He protests, cries he is a teetotaler and that the
instrument
isn't working properly. He says his wife is also a
teetotaler. She
blows- again positive. Then he gives it to their little kid
on the
backseat- also positive! The ashamed policeman lets them go.
They take off and
the man says to his wife:
- And you kept
telling me: don't give the kid any alcohol, don't give
the kid any
alcohol!!
- A policeman stops a lady and asks for her
license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing
glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The
policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a
ticket!"
- A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who
were
training to become detectives. To test their skills in
recognizing a
suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and
then hides
it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him
fast because
he only has one eye!"
The policeman says,
"Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his
PROFILE."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture
for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles,
flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too
easy to catch because he
only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the
matter with you two?? Of
course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING
because it's a picture of
his profile!! Is that the best ans
wer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point,
he shows the picture to the third
blonde and in a very testy voice
asks, "This is your suspect, how would
you recognize
him?"
He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid
answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is
surprised and speechless because he really doesn't
know himself if the
suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an
interesting
answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file
and I'll get
back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office,
checks the suspect's file
in his computer, and comes back with a
beaming smile on his face. "Wow!
I can't believe it...it's TRUE!
The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work! How were
you able to make such an astute
observation?"
"That's e
asy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses
because
he only has one eye and one ear."
- A rookie police officer was out for his first
ride in
a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in
telling them to
disperse some people who were loitering.
The
officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on
a
corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get
off the corner
people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he
barked again, "Let's get off
that corner...
NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares
in
his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young
policeman turned to his
partner and asked, "Well, how did I
do?"
Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus
stop."
- A seargent is
interviewing three cadets who
were training to become detectives. To test
their skills in
recognizing a suspect, he shows the first cadet a picture
for 5 seconds
and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him?" The first cadet
answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast
because he only has one
eye!" The seargent says,
"Well...uh...that's because the picture I
showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture
for 5 seconds at the second cadet and asks him, "This is your suspect,
how would you recognize him?"
The second cadet smiles, and
says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch
because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you
two? Of
course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a
picture of
his side profile! Is that the best answer you can
come up with?!"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows
the picture to the third
cadet and in a very testy voice asks, "This
is your suspect, how would
you recognize him?" He quickly adds,
"Think hard before giving me a
stupid answer."
The cadet looks
at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The
suspect wears
contact lenses."
The seargent is surprised and speechless
because he really doesn't
know himself if the suspect wears contacts or
not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few
minutes
while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the
room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's
file in his computer,
and comes back with a beaming smile on his
face. "Wow! I can't
believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact
wear contact lenses. Good
work! How were you able to make such an
astute observation?"
"That's easy," the cadet replied. "He
can't wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one
ear."
- A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to
steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the
shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you
say I
just buy the watch and we forget about this?"
The
manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the
slip
and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can
you
show me something less expensive?"
- A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a
policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are
you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
- A traffic Policeman recently
stopped a
woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver
her
name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from
the
Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in
Columbia."
As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away
his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let
me
catch you speeding again."
- A truck driver was driving along
on the
freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before
he
knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under
the
bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police
car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
around to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck,
huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran
out
of gas."
- A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several
weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every
summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there
for a
week or two.
One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian
friend to visit him. The
friend, happy to get anything free from a
lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the
time came, they spent a wonderful
time, getting up early every morning
and enjoying the great
outdoors.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were
picking
raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were
approached
by two huge bears--a male and a female.
The
lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however,
was
not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him
whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the
nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his hig
h-powered
rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer.
All the while,
he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his
friend's family. He just
had to save his friend.
Luckily, the
bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the
lawyer,
pointing to the male.
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and
shot the female.
"What did you do that
for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in
the other
bear!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who
told
you that the Czech was in the male?"
- A young man was walking into town one day when
a wood hauler
gave him a ride.
After traveling about a mile
or two, the truck was stopped by the
highway patrol for a weight
check and inspection.
The truck inspection revealed the truck had
slick tires; no horn; no
head, tail or signal lights; no windshield
wipers. Also, it was
overloaded and had bad
brakes.
"Mister," the patrolman said to the driver, "I think the best way to
charge
you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'"
- An elderly woman had just returned to her home
from an evening worship service and was startled to find an
intruder in
her house.
Catching the man in the act of burglarizing
her home, she yelled,
"STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized,
every one of you, in the
name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may
be forgiven.")
As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the
woman calmly called the
police and explained what she had done.
Shortly, several officers
arrived and took the man into
custody.
As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers
asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a
scripture verse."
"Scripture?" replied the
burglar.
"She said she had an axe and two 38's!"
- An off-duty
police officer, familiar with
radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed
limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of
his
license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove
by again;
even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a
third
time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must
have screwed up the settings," the off-duty
officer
thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail,
he
discovered three traffic tickets:
Each for not wearing a seat
belt!
- As a female
shopper exited a New York
convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911
immediately, and the woman was
able to give them a detailed
description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the
snatcher. They put him in
the
car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the
car
and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied,
"Yes, officer, that's her.
That's the lady I stole the purse
from."
- At recent trade talks the American
representative offered to
sell sophisticated American telephone technology to
the Russians.
American : "In the United States, anyone can pick
up any phone and
dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect
them with the police."
Russian : "In Russia we don't require
that you dial
anything."
- Cop: Why didn't you stop when I shouted at you
back there?
Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning,
Mr. Mayor."
Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast
through the next
town.
- Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Hi, is
this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police
assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell
me how to
cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
- Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to
avoid a box that fell
out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a
policeman pulled him
over for reckless driving. Fortunately,
another officer had seen the
carton in the road. The policmen stopped
traffic and recovered the box. It
was found to contain large
upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver,
"but I am still
going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks
evasion."
- Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he
went up to a policeman and
said, "I've lost my dad!"
The
policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and
women!"
- HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies
changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.
- How
many cops does it take to change light
bulb?
Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
Only
one, but he has to see an officer do it first.
Three, one to do it,
one to direct traffic and one to say "Show's
over, nothing left to
see here, folks, move along."
- How can you tell if you are looking at a police
glow-worm?
He has a flashing light.
- How many cops does it take to
throw a man
down the stairs?
None. He fell.
- How many LA cops does it take to change light
bulb?
Six. One to do it and five to smash the old bulb to
splinters.
- I went to
the store the other day. I was
only in there for about five minutes,
and when I came out there was a
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and
said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a
break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a
stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
having
bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him.
He finished the second ticket and put
it on the car with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for
about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the
corner.
- John was driving when a policeman pulled him
over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a
problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your
safe driving and am pleased
to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver
Award. Congratulations. What do you
think you're going to do with the
money?"
John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll
go get that
drivers' license."
Judi, sitting in the
passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't
pay attention to him --
he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and
stoned."
Brian
from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far
in a
stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and
a muffled voice
said, "Are we over the border yet?"
- Juggler, driving to his next
performance,
was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your
car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh
yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler
starts
tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and
says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking.
Look at the test they're
making you do now!"
- Lady:(standing in the middle of a busy street)
Officer, can you tell me how to get to the Hospital?
Officer:
Just stand where you are!!!
- Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a
man driving very
erratically through the streets of Dublin. They
pulled the man over and asked
him if he had been drinking that
evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads
stopped by
the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was
something
called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos
which are quite
good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to
drive me friend Mike
home and O' course I had to go in for a couple
of Guinness - couldn't
be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way
home to get another bottle
for later .." And the man fumbled around
in his coat until he located
his bottle of whiskey, which he held
up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm
afraid I'll need you to step
out of the car and take a breathalyzer
test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?
!"
- Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a
field trip to
their local police station. There they saw pictures
tacked to a big
bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most
Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if
it really was
the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the
policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Tommy
asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister,
why didn't
you keep them when you took their pictures?"
- Motorist: Why are you crying after giving me
that ticket?
Policeman: It was a moving violation.
- My
horoscope read, "You're going places
and you can't be stopped."
Apparently the cop who gave me a
ticket hadn't read it.
- On a narrow mountain's road a man saw a police
car driving
uphill backwards.
- Hi guys. Why are you driving
backwards?
- Because we are not sure that we will find the place to
make u-turn on
the top of the mountain.
After one hour the same man
saw the same police car driving downhill
backwards again.
- But
guys, why are you driving backwards again?
- We have found the place
to make u-turn up there.
- One Day
Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were
driving along in their car when Trouble
suddenly hurled himself out
of the window.
Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do
so they went to the
police station. When they got there the chief
asked them their names.
"Shut Up", replied Shut
Up.
"Stupid", replied Stupid.
The police chief thought these people were
telling him to shut up, and
were calling him stupid. Which made him
very mad. "Excuse Me!"
shouted the chief.
Thinking the chief
was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there
names.
"Shut Up!"
"Stupid!"
The police chief was very riled. He
then asked" Are you looking for
trouble?"!!!
Stunned at the
idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for
their friend,
they replied,"Why yes, how did you know?"
- One day there was a woman who lost her cat
named
"LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So,
thinking
that he might be down the street, she put on her
house-coat and went
looking for him.
When a police officer stopped to
ask what she was doing, she said very
honestly, "I'm looking for
LOVE." The policeman arrested her on the
spot.
- One evening this
Columbia Yuppie was
stopped for allegedly drunken driving and was given a
breath test by the
Howard County Police.
"Well ?" he asked somewhat belligerently
as the Desk Sergeant slowly
read the print out and entered the
information in the arrest record.
"Disappointing to say the least,"
the Sergeant replied. "Chateau
Duvalier... 1962... rather thin...
not aged well at all."
- Polceman:
"I'm afraid that I'm going to
have to lock you up for the night."
Man: "What's the
charge?"
Polceman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the
service.
- Police Chief:
Why do you spend all your
time trying to hit flies?
Officer: You assigned me to the swat team,
didn't you?
- Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced
with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest
your
mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!
- Police Chief: Why
did you ticket the
computer?
Officer: It was speeding along the information highway.
- Police Chief: Why are you
putting handcuffs
on that building?
Officer: I'm making a house arrest
- Police Chief: Why did you arrest
that
doctor?
Officer: He was trying to take someone's pulse.
- Police Chief: Why did you tie a rope on that
criminal?
Officer: You ordered me to get a line on the suspect.
- Police officer: And what do you think you
are doing on this road, Dracula?
Dracula: Looking for the main
artery, officer.
- Police officer: Excuse me, but your
dog has
been chasing a man on his bicycle.
Dog owner: Are you crazy? My
dog can't even ride a bicycle.
- Policeman: Now, sir, how did you come to have
this accident?
Motorist: Well, the sign just there says, `Stop ? Look
? Listen'. And
while I was doing that the train hit me.
- Q: What problems would
you face if you were
arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot
faster.
- Q: Why would it be
difficult to be a police
officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
- Recently, a distraught wife went to the local
police station, along with
her next-door neighbor, to report that
her husband was missing. The
policeman asked for a description of the
missing man.
The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot
4-inches, has dark eyes,
dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185
pounds, is soft-spoken, and
is good to the children."
The
next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches,
chubby,
bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife
replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
- Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked
to find her house ransacked and
burglarized. She telephoned the
police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast
the call and a K-9 unit patrolling
nearby was the first to
respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a
leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the
cop and his
dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face
in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my
possessions
stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send
me a BLIND policeman!"
- Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to
catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car
puttering
along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is
just as dangerous as a
speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls
the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are
five old ladies, two in
the front seat and three in the back, wide
eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to
him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed
limit! What seems to be the
problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer
replies, "You weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving
slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other
drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle exp
lains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed
limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I
have to ask... Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully
shaken and they haven't muttered a
single peep this whole time,"
the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Route
142."
- The Boston taxi driver backed into the
stationary
fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.
"Name?"
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Same as mine. Where are
you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The
policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and
I'll come back and talk about the old county. I
want to say
something to this fella that ran into the back of your
cab."
- The cop got out of his car
and the kid,
that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been
waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah,
well I got here as fast as I could." When the
cop finally stopped
laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.
- The drunken wino was stumbling down the street
with one foot
on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop
pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're
obviously drunk"
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely
sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper.
"Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I
thought I was
a cripple."
- The Judge said to the defendant.
"I thought
I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."
"Your
Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the
police, but
they wouldn't listen."
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